Oh the patterns he weaves...

[MommaDucki]

I've another post here in newcomers, and several old ones from years ago....but to sum up....H and I have been separated for over two years now, H wants D (though he's been back and forth on this many times now), and has been sucked into many EAs and several PAs over the years.

I deal with all this as best I can, and in my own ways while still trying to stick to DBing ways....and last night I was re-reading the many many journals I've filled up over the past few years now, and was shocked when it all hit me....H has reoccuring patterns....I think that's why I deal with most of this rather calmly (yes, years ago, I'd scream and yell about it...these days, H and I can civally talk to each other when the need arises).

Here's what I've seen to be a trend.....H has never in his life had a serious intimate relationship with anyone (well, he and I read each other well...had a deep connection, but not the best communicators)....I don't think he's even really honest and true with himself...He over-bolsters certain qualities in himself to make himself feel better, more confident whatever....but the one thing he's too arrogant about is his bedroom skills....was never an issue with he and I....he says it's really the only part of a R he's good at and gets bored after awhile because he feels there's nothing more about him that's worth caring about. Every OW that's come in and out of his life has in his words "so many crazy personality traits that he can't even stand calling them a friend" he claims they are all conquests. When I was rereading journals, the trend I noticed was that every woman except 1 has been a married or seriously commited relationship woman who was miserable with her SO and somehow came across my H. While we were still together, there were 3 short lived EAs and no PAs (that I'm aware of anyhow). Since we've been separated, there have been (again, that I'm aware of) 4 EAs turned PA.
I'm not sure how I'm doing it, but all of this makes me laugh. H wants D...told me the other day (in almost word for word) "W, I can't stay married to you. Since we've been apart, I've changed much more than you, and the other day when you wouldn't let me use your car to go downtown to that party, i got angry....REAL anger for the first time in a long time. Being with you isn't good for me. I could take it two different ways. On one hand, W, you getting to me that badly to make me have that much anger could mean there's really more intimacy and connection between us than I care to admit. On the other hand, you just aren't good for me, which is why I want to start hammering out D stuff as soon as possible." LOLOLOL!

See? why does that make me laugh? I gave little to no reaction and didn't even give a verbal response to what he'd just told me. I just glanced at him and simply said, "we can talk later". This has generally been my response to him about D talk for quite awhile now.

Over the past couple of years, there have been several times where he's been more than able to afford filing D, and he's not done it. Every time he brings it up again and when I again won't discuss it with him is when he's started a new EA or PA, and within two weeks of that W being let go he wants to see if he and I can work on us again. I tell him that I want to, but am not sure we're quite ready for it yet. I almost feel as if he starts up these As to push me into filing for him. It honestly wouldn't surprise me, because if he can get someone to do something for him, he will...in any aspect of life really.

***on an added note: about a month after we S, we did come to an agreement to date other people and I had a short lived R with OM that lasted 5 weeks,. I chose to end it because I realized I still cared about H too much to try at another R, plus I realized I had to work on me and that's what I've been doing for the past two years. I fess up to my part in these probs too!

Am I completely insane here for wanting to try to save this marriage?

[MommaDucki]

OH! quick insert! Up till 3 weeks ago, I've not lived near him in over two years...Have taken a few trips with DD to see him (always stayed in hotels), and when an unexpected car repair ate up my new apt funds, I made a very challenging choice to move into H's apt till I get my funds back up again (which are building nicely I might add).

H has several of our framed wedding pics hung up around the house. First thought was he did it for show before we got here, but his old roommate (male) and I are friends and I've been hanging out with him and his GF on occasion and old roomie says H had those same pics up when he had lived at H's place too.

H hasn't worn his ring in a long time, but keeps it on his nightstand?

Confused by these things...

[~¤DG¤~]

I can see why you are confused by him, because he is sending very mixed signals.
I know you agreed that you could date other people while separated, but do you think he can stop seeing these other women?

[MommaDucki]

At the moment, I'm literally right on the fence because of his current OW...she is the one he was talking to on the phone with the other night (the convo that led to phone sex that I woke up to and had to leave the house). As I learned from the past...before our separation...prying hurts me, makes me angry, and impedes on my ability to take care of DD, so I refuse to do it any longer. I get tempted, but know I'd be backtracking if I did, so I won't give in.....I know I'm strong enough because of all the other temptations I've kept myself away from (drinking, dieting, excercising, playing video games....I either gave them up, or stay on myself about maintain diet and excercise and am proud of myself for it, so I know I can do this too!)

First part about this is....he's bounced from PA to PA since we separated (difference is I feel they are PAs, H is very emotionally divorced from me, so he feels it's not cheating or an affair. Doesn't view them as full on relationships either for the most part...says he uses these women to take care of him for a spell till he gets bored and then moves on.) This says to me that he's not taken any real time to focus on himself. I have another thread going that I just posted on briefly summarizing H's childhood. I know due to lack of guidance from both his parents that he never learned to take care of himself. One of the things I've told him is that I can't rely on him any longer to follow through with his promise to take care of me or DD because he can't take care of himself, so I don't really expect him to take of another as well. Until I can see that he can fully take care of and support himself, I'm not willing to really put the effort into working on us.

The fence portion for me is that H told me the other night that OW he is currently talking to hasn't become a PA. She confessed to him very early on in their meeting that she has herpes. This supposedly gave my H respect for her for the honesty, but also made him reluctant to even meet her in person. I guess they met once in a neutral populated place with a group of other people, but this is all hearsay. H is very cautious about STDs and such, as am I. This immediate situation though could prove a point of no return for me....If H goes full blown PA with her, I'm done....not the route I want, but not gong that road.I will not subject myself to H's lack of concern for his own well-being, let alone mine....

This morning, I walked into H's bedroom (only way into the bathroom, how annoying) to hear H on phone with her saying he was very soon here going to pick up up and take her on a real date? Ummm...not with my car you're not!!!! So, I'm torn, frustrated, and yet, still smiling, and overall happy with my life. Have good friends here, DD is building a social circle, working, still biking, still working out, still journaling, overall, just still going very strong....I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but so far so good. I think I'm strong enough to stick to my guns.

If H really turned his focus onto himself and only that, I feel he'd deal with the demons from his past and be able to move forward and establich a truly intimate R with someone...still secretly hopeful it's me, but I don't let on to him about that. I know him oh too well, know his habits, know his ins and outs, and I know it all much better than he realizes. He told me last night that he really connects with this OW because he feels if he's to ever be able to commit to someone, having it be someone who knows him at his worst and still wants to be with him would just about sign, seal, and deliver a commitment to him. (ummm...DUH! what am I? this hasn't been a fairy tale for me)