What to do when nothing is working

[paige40]

That is great news! How are things going now??

[dbmod]

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[liz_palmer]

Things go slow around here because he's home only every other day. I'm a little nervous about our anniversary coming up on July 4th. We have talked A LOT lately about the OW. I tried to help put it in perspective for him like this (she's mad as heck!)... I'm taking full responsibility for my role in this, as is he. But in his situation with the OW she's laying it all on him, like she didn't know he was married to begin with - and trust me, she was well aware. She's calling him names and yelling at him and I just sit back and silently thank her for running off my husband. LOL. He's asked for some time and I have no problem giving him his space but he also sits next to me and cuddles with me at night and even sat down and planned our vacation scheduled for August.

I'll keep updating how it's all progressing.
Liz

[Starsky309]

He also told me that she is the one who helped him to come home (tho not her intention, I'm sure). She apparently told him that if he was going to divorce his wife he should just go and do it that he had to be causing me a tremendous amount of pain by doing nothing. But, she told him, be prepared to jump through hoops because your wife is going to make you walk the line in order to come back. He told me he didn't think I would make him jump through hoops and took a chance.

"Jump thru hoops"? No. "Healthy boundaries"? YES.

I'm concerned that by talking about his OW so openly with you, he is trying to get your tacit approval for his infidelity, Liz. He assuages his guilt, makes sure he still has you as his "Plan B," and then you have to endure the humiliation of having him talk about his girlfriend, right to your face.

I would rather see you, if he asks you "Do you still love me?" say something like "Yes, of course, but what you're doing right now isn't very attractive, and it's going to slowly kill my love for you. I hope you can see that, and make some better decisions before we lose what's left of our love and respect for each other" ... or something similar.

and

He said she sent him a facebook message that she wanted to meet with him the next day when he got back but thinks she just wants a face to face with him to try to change his mind. I asked him flat out have you made your decision or will she be able to persuade you to change your mind and he told me there was nothing she could do to change his mind. I told him "Well, you're a grown man, and I can't make those decisions for you. But make no mistake, although I love you, I will not wait forever. Sounds like we BOTH have some important decisions to make, very soon."

There -- fixed it for you.

[Starsky309]

Oops -- meant to add a little winkey face at the end there.

[liz_palmer]

Our anniversary went well. Things aren't perfect but I wouldn't expect them to be perfect after all we've been through. We're working on it.

Starsky - I think you're 100% correct - now if you would just figure out someway for you to be inside my head each time one of these situations arise everything would be perfect.

I'm still 'gun shy' when it comes to confronting him too much because if he does choose her over me I still don't have an income to support those of us left behind. Please understand that while this may not seem important to some of you it is a realistic concern and it's important to me. I have started my own business and I have my first client already so I do have some income coming in but not nearly enough yet.

Yes, it has been brought to my attention that I am starting to detach from the relationship and that the more income I can make on my own the easier it will be for me to fully detach from the relationship. Detachment is the last thing I want - I want my husband back. But my communication is quite poor right now because I'm not quite sure where he's at mentally and of course no one wants to be refused.

My therapist said today she wonders if he wants me to 'fight' for him. She thinks he's telling me everything about the OW because he wants me to know what she's doing to get him back while at the same time wondering why I'm not 'fighting' to get him back. So she gave me afew 'adult' ways to fight for him while not acting like a 6th grader.

I'll keep in touch.
Liz

[dbmod]

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[chris1102]

Baby steps Liz...baby steps...I hope things work out for you. The fact that he refused her advance while you were gone it a good thing. The fact that he wasn't talking to her while on the road is even better. Remember to appreciate the little positives coming your way. I wish my sitch was turning around in a way like yours but mine is going completely backwards.

[MadeToSucceed]

I'm encouraged by this. My situation isn't even close to the same but it seems as if you're seeing some very positive signs. I wish my situation was similar.

[dbmod]

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