First off, I've been a lurker here on and off over the past two years now, I just seldom login to comment, and for that I am truly sorry, because in so many cases, I feel exactly as so many of you. A couple of years ago, I was here, and have a few long winded threads I'd started... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...608#Post1821608 was my first one (rather long...sorry)
So on to the matter at hand... If you've taken the time to get caught up, H and I have now been separated for over two years (lived 1300 miles apart from each other). I have had DD3 with me this whole time. Since the seperation, I've gone down all sorts of paths, highways, alleyways, you name it, and I've learned a LOT! Namely, I don't need H to be happy, I choose to want to include him in my life. I've GAL, been through two intense years of counseling on my own, learned more about myself than I ever thought possible and know what direction I'd like my life to go. H is insistent he's "changed much more than me" and has become the better person and still wants D.
Now, bear with me here while I try to keep this short. When H and I separated, I moved to my parents house. After working hard, and pretty much being in the dark with him for over a year and a half (except when it concerned DD), I reached a standstill point with my job, and really began to miss the city he lives in....the city I grew to love and still call home. So, I came out of the dark briefly with H to feel him out about how his reaction would be if I moved back to his area. It's to a point where I want to stay married to him, but am waiting for him to make the moves to initiate reconciliation. He still has much about himself I know he wants to work on, and it's not the right time to try to work on us right now. However, he's not been an actual physical figure in DD's life either. Frankly, he's still rather self-focused (possible early MLC, not sure?), and hasn't always followed through on financially providing for DD, which is all he could really do being so far away.
So, after a rather intense 3 hour phone discussion, it was decided that I'd move back to his area Mid-Map. I had money enough to go straight into my own place, had several job interviews lined up as well....everything seemed smooth and I hoped for the best. DD and I got on the road, and after 900 miles on the road, my entire exhaust system fell off our car due to a really deep pothole. We were 900 miles away from my parents house and still 400 miles away from H's apt, and I had to get it fixed or we'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Cost much more than I wanted it to and ended up using almost all of my deposit/rent money for my apartment and delayed our trip an extra day. Due to this delay, my interviews were cancelled, and I was out the 5 different offers I had, and am now working odd housecleaning jobs till I can find something better. The biggest kicker to all of this is that due to proximity and lack of funds, it made more sense to keep on track to H's apt than to go back to my parents' house. He offered to let us move into his place short term till I bolstered up my funds again and got into our own place. So far, it's been 3 weeks here and it's really really REALLY awkward!!!!
H told me before we moved (7 weeks prior to the actual move) that he wasn't seeing anyone, assured me no OW would be coming over, and that he "wanted to pla H and W". I know enough about DBing and my H to not really believe a word of what he says, so the fact he put emphasis on "no OW" caught me off guard.
Since we've been here, not a single person ha come over except for a few mutual friends of both of ours )yes, I stayed in contact with my friends...whole different story, so moving on...)
I do have to ask that no one judge me here, because we all have our own reasons for wanting to get back together with spouses...At this moment, my H has been out of work for 5 months, his mom has been helping pay his bills, and he has no means of transportation other than the bus (which he'll happily use if needed). Before the move, I'd told him that due to state laws where he lives, I'd have to put him on my car insurance policy because we're still legally married. I also reinforced that this was my car, that with the exception of DD, is the thing I'm most proud of myself for accomplishing (yes, it's used, but I worked my butt off to buy it and pay it off in full in under a year's time). Told him, he'd be able to use it on occasion for interviews or to take DD somewhere we discuss prior, etc....basically laying down ground rules for my car. Once I'm down here, he apparently only heard what he wanted to hear and no still gets bitter with me that I won't let him use MY car to go out for the night....have had trust issues in the past with him...explained I'm not asking him to jump back into R with me, but to at least respect my wishes in regards to the car.
Ugh I'm getting long winded here....in short, I'm really really giving it my all to show him only the attention necessary on DD's bealf and not let him get to me, but it's not going to well. Then last night, I'd been gone most of the day with DD, and when we got back home, H was asleep...he has no regular sleep schedule, and DD and I just went about our business and went to bed....I woke up a few hours later needing to use the restroom, and wouldn't you know it? H is on the phone in the next room having phone s*x with OW?!?!?!?! I just went to restrom and what i feel was a pretty good job of not reacting at all....About this same time, I began to get sick....ironically, i do actually have a case of food poisoning....DD and two friends I went out to dinner with last night have it too....so of course, H's in bedroom on phone, and I'm in and out of there needing the restroom and though I wasn't trying to listen, It's hard not to hear snippets and it sent my stomach into knots.....
I just feel betrayed, and yet not...Honestly not even angry about it, because many say I can do better, and I'm sure I could, I do in fact know him, and am lost, but not all at the same time as to what to do next..
If you've taken the time to read through all this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Right now, I'll call it quits to let anyone comment if you so chose. I have an interview to get to and have plans with a girlfriend later tonight. Wil try to post again if I can today. Thank you again for reading.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
thanks for the response only planning on staying with H till I have enough for deposit/bit of rent saved up again....my car breaking down on the trip here ate up like 70% on what I had....lol! even had the appointment set up to meet with leasing agent and everything and POOF! one step back, yet I'm coping (somewhat).
Guess I was back here again as more a means of venting annonymously....Journaling is second nature to me these days, but I sometimes want more....C helped....gave me that other outlet if I needed it...
So far, I've had a bit of work to start me off again, and had an interview today that went really well and I have several others tomorrow too. Plus, tomorrow is storytime at the nearby library, so DD and I will be there and have a playdate afterwards with a new friend she made at the park last weekend. H doesn't like that I'm go go go all the time...says he wants me here with DD so he can spend time with her too, but he just sits on his computer playing video games all day. Yes, he pays attention to her when she approaches, and they've always had a strong bond, but still, he won't full out care for her if I'm here....I mind, yet I don't. Seeing as I've had her with me constantly for the almost 2 1/2 years we've been separated,I've gotten so a
H's stance right now is that his father shouldn't and won't see his granddaughter unless he calls and talks to H first to make ammends. So, now I'm being dragged into a mess.
Sorry for the ranting again...does feel rather theraputic to let it all out though :)ccustomed to just having her with me while I do what needs to be done.My parents watched her while I worked, but other than that, she's my lil sidekick for sure.
probs between H and I aside, He's more than capable of caring for her if she were left alone with him. He does love his little girl, but like so much else in life, he'd rather someone else do it for him if possible. I know he's a bit overwhelmed by her. In the times we've been apart, there have been lots of phone calls between her and H and quite a few trips that went both ways. Sometimes, he'd come up to where we lived for a visit, other times, we'd come down here. He was always bothered when we came down here because we'd always stop off at his parents house on our way to him, or on the way home (they live about 2 1/2 hours north of him. He isn't on speaking terms with his dad at all and hasn't been for almost two years now. His dad was hospitalized shortly after another crazy scheme of H's and H's dad said enough is enough, that H was causing him to have health issues and he'd just rather not be a part of his life. I, on the other hand, just want DD to know her other grandparents. I don't weigh them down with much about my life. I've never really had any huge issues with them that still cause probs to this day. I keep them updated about DD and they talk on the phone and on the pc as well.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
thanks for the response only planning on staying with H till I have enough for deposit/bit of rent saved up again....my car breaking down on the trip here ate up like 70% on what I had....lol! even had the appointment set up to meet with leasing agent and everything and POOF! one step back, yet I'm coping (somewhat).
Guess I was back here again as more a means of venting annonymously....Journaling is second nature to me these days, but I sometimes want more....C helped....gave me that other outlet if I needed it...
So far, I've had a bit of work to start me off again, and had an interview today that went really well and I have several others tomorrow too. Plus, tomorrow is storytime at the nearby library, so DD and I will be there and have a playdate afterwards with a new friend she made at the park last weekend. H doesn't like that I'm go go go all the time...says he wants me here with DD so he can spend time with her too, but he just sits on his computer playing video games all day. Yes, he pays attention to her when she approaches, and they've always had a strong bond, but still, he won't full out care for her if I'm here....I mind, yet I don't. Seeing as I've had her with me constantly for the almost 2 1/2 years we've been separated,I've gotten so accustomed to just having her with me while I do what needs to be done.My parents watched her while I worked, but other than that, she's my lil sidekick for sure.
probs between H and I aside, He's more than capable of caring for her if she were left alone with him. He does love his little girl, but like so much else in life, he'd rather someone else do it for him if possible. I know he's a bit overwhelmed by her. In the time we've been apart, there have been lots of phone calls between her and H and quite a few trips that went both ways. Sometimes, he'd come up to where we lived for a visit, other times, we'd come down here. He was always bothered when we came down here because we'd always stop off at his parents house on our way to him, or on the way home (they live about 2 1/2 hours north of him. He isn't on speaking terms with his dad at all and hasn't been for almost two years now. His dad was hospitalized shortly after another crazy scheme of H's and H's dad said enough is enough, that H was causing him to have health issues and he'd just rather not be a part of his life. I, on the other hand, just want DD to know her other grandparents. I don't weigh them down with much about my life. I've never really had any huge issues with them that still cause probs to this day. I keep them updated about DD and they talk on the phone and on the pc as well.
H's stance right now is that his father shouldn't and won't see his granddaughter unless he calls and talks to H first to make ammends. So, now I'm being dragged into a mess.
Sorry for the ranting again...does feel rather theraputic to let it all out though
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
OMG Please ignore that vindictive order of your h about the grandfather not seeing the DD b/c of H's stubborn refusal to reconcile with his father who is sick and mortal!. Such idiocy. If he loses his dad without resolving this, he'll have YET ANOTHER reason to be wacky...
My mil died this past year, and my father a decade ago. When my dad died, one of my brothers had not spoken to him in 5 years...fools...
Don't enable that. If YOU have to be the one to maintain the contact, so be it. Do not deny your daughter the few years of memories left to create, and don't deny your fil those either, (all b/c of your h...)
Your h's behavior just in this matter alone, really bother me. He has no leverage with his dad, except his daughter and to me, that's a low blow and a crappy thing to do to anyone...
Extortion at his daughter's expense, and his dad's...for HIS PRIDE.
Sorry but I had to tell you that I REALLY hope you can compensate. Is it fair? No. But it's worse to let your h do that to them and your d...
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
LOL! your response made me smile 25! H never asks about what sort of contact I maintain with FIL and H's stepmom, so I don't ask. In the few off times he's asked, I've told him and he whines about it and i tell H it's his issue to deal with because he knew his dad would want more involvement in DD's life than H would allow....we all knew that from the start....it's just the kind of guy FIL is.....was on the road for work all the time while H was growing up and wasn't really there for him, then got divorced from MIL and she had custody, so H never was close to his dad....sad, but it explains a lot to me on so many levels.
Now that FIL is wstable in his job and home life, he has all the time in the world to be actively involved in all his grandkids lives. My nieces and nephews that H's side are almost always at "pop and nana's house" all weekend long. DD misses out because we lived so far away, but now that we're closer, I'd like her to be able to go there occasionally too. H doesn't know that we did stop in there when we moved down here for just a short while. It was early on a monday morning, so we didn't have too much time as FIL and step MIL had to get to work, but they got to see her for a bit.
H's "issue" he claims is that FIL does so much more for DD than he ever did for H. I hear what he's saying, but I don't validate it...lol.What grandparent doesn't want to spoil they're grandkids in some way?
During our whole time H and I were separated, FIL and step MIL have sent birthday and xmas gifts every year, random "how's it going?" sort of cards to DD, call at least once a week, they send pictures, and actively choose to keep in part of their lives. I do the same...it's part of my values...what's important to me that I wish to pass on to DD... She helps pick out birthday gifts, mother's day, fathers day, christmas, grandparents day even.....she draws them pictures that I send on to them, and we called them at least once every other week as well... Compared to H that has been sporadic and unpredictable with giving me child support (I never had court ordered, though I almost regret it). H very seldomly called her (yes, he'd call or text me to ask how she was doing, but DD is very vocal and advanced for her age and really enjoys talking to him on the shone....he never wanted to make time to talk to her directly). For about 6 months or so, H had a job that sent him all over the country doing technical installs for various companies.....on a few of his routes, he was near enough to where we lived that he'd swing through and see her for a couple of days. When I'd find out he was coming, I never went out of my way to spend time with him....I was living my life...and wasn't about to try to rearrange my work schedule and stuff just for him....Im getting offtopic here...ehe!
So, in regards to FIL and step-MIL, They are and always will be a part of DD's life...H's issue with his dad is just that.....HIS issue. I come from a rather large, very close knit family and having extended family that you're very close to is really important and valuable to me.....even if down the road H and I do D, FIL and step-MIL will always be DD's family, and I'll encourage their relationship as long as I can.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
H's "issue" he claims is that FIL does so much more for DD than he ever did for H. I hear what he's saying, but I don't validate it...lol.What grandparent doesn't want to spoil they're grandkids in some way?
That's ^^^ his issue? His father wasn't there for him b/c he worked and was gone a lot?
So, your h would prefer if the grandfather was as absent for DD as he was for h when he worked all the time, to be "fair?"
That's the most petty & self centered thing I've heard in a long time. sorry.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As far as H's father goes, early on in H's life, FIL took a business job that caused him to travel much shortly after my H was born....he was relocated to various cities over the next 8 years, but had regular cities he was required to attend conferences in....turns out FIL had OW in each of those regular cities....two of which he was paying almost all bills for (rent, utilites etc.) MIL eventually wizened up about all of this and they divorced when H was 9. MIL got custody of H, but she went into a severe bout of depression due to FILs infidelities....became a hardcore alcoholic, remarried an alcoholic as well. Wanted H to be a free thinking child and gave him very little guidance or direction in life. When H was 14, he had a two week scheduled visit with his father and when FIL picked him up, H was wearing clothes too small for him, adn't had a haircut in lord knows how long, wasn't bathed, just basically an unkempt child. FIL took MIL back to court and H was taken in by his father who wanted to try to instill some better values, morals, personal care, etc into H. H didn't adjust to the move or the fact that FIL was still travelling with work a lot. H dropped out of HS his second year and got his GED. H enlisted into the military as soon as he was able to, but was discharged due to a severe injury during boot camp. He went back to FIL's home where his new stepmom now lived as well...in addition to his stepsister. Fighting, stealing, loads of lies, and eventually FIL kicked H out and H's been on not so great terms with him ever since H and I got married. Once FIL met me for the first time, FIL was sure I was just what H needed to set his life straight. H was bothered that him choosing me made his father like him more. When H and I had fallen on hard times shortly after DD was born in 2008, we moved in with FIL and SMIL. H was sleeping all day, not doing anything to find work, staying up all night on the computer. H and FIL got into it again and H decided he was going to try to re-enlist in the military. H made arrangements for me as to where DD and I would have to go and then told me about his plan. That was a first breaking point for me....between H's EAs, lack of job, and now making living arrangement on my behalf without even a head's up, I lost it. I talked to my parents about moving back into their home, though it killed me to know that was 1300 miles away from H. In the end, it was one of the best choices I made.
I take things one day at a time since then, and like I've said...there are no lasting hard feelings between FIL and SMIL and I. FIL basically swore H off at this point because FIL feels he went the wrong path in his own life and wanted to see H do whatever it takes to keep your family together. H and my marital probs don't have any impact on his(FIL) relationship with our DD.....I fully agree with that.
So, there's a brief summary of H's childhood...all of which I knew before we got married. I knew what I was getting myself into when I said I do, but I got to that point where I couldn't function or raise my child...I can do more and both now, so it makes dealing with the rest of this that much easier.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
None of that stuff his father did to HIM or HIS MOTHER matters now. None.
He's your dd's grandfather.
My dad was a raging alcoholic for most of my childhood.
I had kids and he shaped up. He was a gentler kinder GF than he was a father.
Sure there were moments when I rolled my eyes at something he'd allow MY KIDS to do, that he'd NEVER had let us do....
But I was grateful for what my kids got, by putting THEIR NEEDS first, and indirectly I re-built a R with my dad that was ultimately very loving.
I really miss my dad. At least our son remembers him. Don't deny your dd that.
My son does not recall the drunken fights bc he never saw them. So what? Why do I have to pass on the pain of my childhood to MY kids? Why must your h insist on still punishing your father AND denying him the right to redeem himself?
In contrast, my mil was an active alcoholic (but usually pleasant). However we never let her babysit our kids after the ONE time she did, and passed out and could not wake up to answer the door, and did not wake up, even as we broke into the house and retrieved our son...6 months old.
She never called to ask where our son was the next day either...she was passed out drunk 5 ft away from him with a cigarette in the ashtray that had evidently gone out on its' own...but might not have... We still interacted and brought them over, etc. Just didn't leave them alone with her. It's not about your h.
Let me repeat, it's NOT about your h.
Does it look as if you are forgiving the fil? Gee, maybe...so what?
Besides, what it really looks like is someone making the best of today and "from this day forward"...and letting go of past hurts.
Kind of like what your h wants you to do for him...??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The issue with FIL and H isn't really a high priority to me...DD and FIL have as close a relationship as they can right now...hopefully it'll get even closer as we'll have a better opportunity to see them now that we live closer. I don't let H's issues become my issues these days unless I'm left without a choice (i.e. a year and a half ago when the car we jointly owned was repo'd because he stopped making payments on it...he had car and I was unaware of all of it). I've told H that as DD's mother, and her primary caregiver, provider, and active parent for 2 1/2 years now, I do what I feel is in her best interest and though I hear what he says in regards to FIL, that is his issue, not mine, and not DD's, so he has to accept the fact that she will be in his life whether H and FIL are on speaking terms or not.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
only planning on staying with H till I have enough for deposit/bit of rent saved up again....my car breaking down on the trip here ate up like 70% on what I had....lol! even had the appointment set up to meet with leasing agent and everything and POOF! one step back, yet I'm coping (somewhat).