It's been 4+ months since my marriage crisis started.
For about a month or two I did the begging/pleading thing and eventually figured out what I was doing wrong. I needed to work hard on my own life. I've been reading books, Divorce Busting, David Deida, Dr. Paul Dobransky, Gottman, Jungian Psychology, The Art of Seduction, No More Mr. Nice Guy and a never ending list. I've been practicing yoga 3 times a week, practicing meditation, attending therapy and have shifted most of my energy into figuring how to bring the various aspects of my life into healthy balance. These developments have been great and I feel like I'm making better decisions compared to before the experience. I really like the idea that we need to work on ourselves first to be attractive to others. I've really gotten a handle on reactivity, I've done a James Dobson inspired 180 that really changed our dynamic, the way my wife reacts to me has changed.
My wife lives in a separate house on our property, it's like an "in-law house". At first we could hardly be in the same room together. Now we go out to dinner sometimes, sit on the couch and eat and watch TV, we talk a lot. She tells me she loves me as family, like a brother, but that she doesn't think she will ever be physically attracted to me again. I've heard all the terrible things you don't want to hear from your spouse, "I never loved you", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "How could we have loved each other if we don't know what love is?"... you name it I've heard it. Reading other peoples stories it never ceases to amaze me how these same phrases pop up.
Lately she has been giving me kisses on the cheek, like those kisses you give your family, sort of on the mouth by definitely not a full on lips kiss, haha. I see this as progress, though I guess I still have some anxiety about our future. Even though I'm open to the best outcome for both of us, whatever that is. I have strong preference that we remain married. I try to balance not being controlling and insisting we don't get a divorce with letting her know I treasure our relationship and would very much like to continue our marriage.
I feel hopeful every time I read a success story that mirrors the phases I've been going through during this crisis. I'd really like to be able to write back to this forum someday in the next few months with my own success story.
Is there anybody out there my story is sort of resonating with? I'd be interested in hearing feedback just on what I wrote so far on my general attitude, any glaring mistakes I've been making. I know I didn't write a ton of details, please let me know if you have any questions.
I really like reading this forum as it gives me hope and puts me in a good mood. Thank you all for participating. Any encouragement is welcomed :o) I'll write back to this thread more with details. For now I've got to get back to work.
Thanks to those of you who've read my story. It's so hard to make sense of everything that is going on with my marriage. I'm going to add some more bits and pieces.
My wife is still living in the house on our property with me. Last night we talked about how she wants to move to her own apartment. She's figuring out how to pay for her own expenses for the first time in years.
I feel really sad about this. We can openly talk about the issues our marriage had in the years leading up to this. I was the problem spouse in a typical Walkaway Wife scenario. Despite it being 6 months and hearing her acknowledge changes, there's something that won't allow her to forgive me. She feels bad that I don't have a romantic partner to enjoy life with and believes she can never be that person again. It's sad to because we are such good friends, we laugh and spend time together, talk about our feelings, express love for one another. She is just so deeply hurt.
She's experienced trauma when she was much younger and is now working through those issues which she never did before. But now I'm wrapped up in the trauma and the blame and the guilt. It seems like such a thick web, it's hard to see how we can get through it together. I didn't realize before how profoundly unhappy her general life outlook has been ever since I met her 10 years ago. She would try so hard to hide the sad parts of herself. I wasn't prepared to handle what was coming.
In addition to the trauma, last year, she also experienced a serious immune illness that kept her in bed and on heavy antibiotic doses for 8 months. It really destroyed what was simmering of our relationship. We did have problems before that but it was so hard to go through for both of us. We were in denial about the psychological impact of it all.
It seems like a combination of immaturity on both of our parts, past issues and severe illness may be too much for our relationship to bear.
She's told me I've not been acting like my 'old self' for these past months. But she just can't forgive me for being so detached. I also used to get very frustrated and had a poor time managing emotions like anger. Never in a physical way or even overtly verbal. But there were just enough occasional biting comments that I hurt her very deeply. She knows I didn't intend to hurt her but that doesn't make it any better. I accept responsibility for this behavior and thank god it's been pointed out to me. It's so comforting to know that I've lived the past 6 with this side of me in control and that she can see that. I know I'm only going to get better at it too. She sees herself as a victim which is hard for me to deal with because that frames me as an abusive victimizer. I understand what she means but don't identify with that roll. I've talked to my therapist about why my wife has claimed I'm abusive and have been told abuse is not the right word for what is described - more like that I was really irritable, grouchy and cranky. I guess it's a fine line. I feel disappointed in myself that it's even a conversation point, but am learning from it and fixing that problem. Still I resent her for accusing me with that language. Oddly enough she has done all the things to me (yelling at me, ridiculing me in front of friends/strangers, being irritable) that she accuses me of, at least that's my perspective. She insists she acted this way as a reaction to me and therefor it's my fault. It's a weird situation.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe her problems are bigger than with just me. At first it was easier for her to blame me 100% for all the problems in our relationship, but eventually we came to realize that was an excuse so she wouldn't have to confront some of her own issues. It was very hard getting past that and I think part of the reason why she resisted counseling, because she knew what might come up. Growing up is really hard and I don't blame her for trying to avoid it as long as possible. I just wish she could envision a future where we both heal together.
She explained to me yesterday how she doesn't view marriage or any other social contracts as something she should have to respect. That she realized recently for her she doesn't believe in them. It seems like pointing out she is breaking her vows, her commitment and her word just make her want to leave more. Like it makes her feel trapped.
I hope she can work her issues and me mine. I feel like I have to completely let go soon. It seems like it doesn't have to be that way. It's so hard to explain these what's going on, but is cathartic to type it out so thanks for reading.
I can appreciate that you want to understand why your wife appears to want out and is now hoping to get an apartment. How she lost that loving feeling, etc...
What if you were now D and understood that you will never know those reasons? How would you deal with it? If she disappeared and it was impossible to ever have her be able to tell you "why"?
And also, I notice you used the phrase "try to balance not being controlling"...
How about this...? Don't be controlling... You have likely heard, but perhaps don't believe, that the only person we can control is ourselves.
Hope all is going well with you and you are GALing successfully!
"What if you were now D and understood that you will never know those reasons? How would you deal with it? If she disappeared and it was impossible to ever have her be able to tell you "why"?"
I think I understand what you're getting at. I should communicate with her now while I can so I understand as much as possible how she feels. I may lose the chance at any time. At this point I really feel like I understand what is going on between us.
Personally the issues that we both have, and the issues between us, are not things that would prompt me to initiate ending our marriage over. But I can clearly see that we both have issues to deal with.
"How about this...? Don't be controlling..."
Ooh ouch. Yeah point taken. I absolutely believe the only person I can control is myself. I've seen it work. You might be able to understand that we're all at different places when it comes to reactivity and being able to completely control our behavior. By using the word "try" I believe I'm acknowledge that I'm not perfect, and am aware of that. Am not trying to say I "won't be controlling" when I know this is still somewhat beyond my control and I need to keep working on it. Make sense? That said, even since I wrote that post 2 weeks ago I've gotten better at managing reactivity. I honestly do put time in every day to improve my ability to interact with people socially.
Compared to before this separation experience I'm leaps and bounds ahead in terms of social/mind/body awareness. It actually boggles my mind how far gone I was before, and I'm thankful to my wife for bringing this to the forefront of my attention. It sounds weird but as uncomfortable as this whole experience has been I don't regret it, because it snapped me out of what I would call an extreme detached state.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read through my posts and respond, thank you.
As far as getting a life, yes I have been having a good time doing that. There's lots of stuff to do in Portland, OR where I live. I almost think of it as a big playground. Last Saturday I had one of the craziest days in a long time that started off with yoga in the park, then a massage, then hanging out at a coffee shop and meeting some cool people, then meeting more cool people in a bar, then waking up the next morning "wow!" what a crazy day!
Interesting read KYCU. You have obviously noticed how a WAW will "rewrite history to justify her decision for leaving. That's a common theme you'll see around here often. Looks like ur W is no different. Especially the part about feeling bad u don't have a romantic partner to share life with. I had that exact same conversation when my WAW moved out. Of course, as soon as that potential popped up for me, her reaction was not what she said it would be.
Glad u r here. Keep posting.
OnMyWay
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." - Maria Robinson
M: 45 WAW: 36 T: 17 M: 14 Kids: D9 ILYBNILWY: 6/2010 W left: 2/2011 W back: 2/2012
"rewrite history to justify her decision for leaving. That's a common theme you'll see around here often."
Yes, this makes sense to me. I would hear things like "I can't recall a single happy time we had together in the last 12 years". I'm not exaggerating at all, this is what she would tell you. This puzzled me for a long time and I couldn't understand how she could say something like that. Making a list of happy times I can remember is, of course, counterproductive.
After many conversations with her over time I've come to understand that for her the absence of happiness in our marriage is a subset of a deeper unhappiness that she feels with life in general. For a variety of personal reasons she has been depressed and hiding it since she went to middle school growing up or earlier. On the surface socially she puts on a persona of contentment, but underneath there is a profound sadness and depression. I didn't have the tools or knowledge to understand to be aware of this before.
To me awareness of her deeper sadness explains why I've been blamed for what is going on. If the problem is all with me, then she doesn't have to face the life issues going on with her. The problem with that strategy is "you can't run from yourself". No matter how much energy she puts into blaming her problems on external factors, the depression will remain because the problems that need to be dealt with are internal.
I'm doing the same kind of work as her right now, sorting out what my problems are internally. But, my life experiences has been different than hers and my problems are not with depression. My issues are more surrounding confidence, boundary issues, not having purpose in life, owning my shadow side and developing more congruence between my Self and the persona I present to people with whom I engage. And wow it's a lot of work to get all that aligned, but I've started.
