I haven't posted for awhile. I had a short thread a few months back called "Separated for 11 weeks". I thought I would post here for some insight, for advice, for an outlet.
It's been 8 months since H left. Some of the back story is, if anyone remembers, he left because of my weight. He wanted me to lose weight in order to continue the marriage, there was a vicious cycle of him becoming distant, blaming it on my weight/me going on a diet, losing a few pounds and then stalling, rinse and repeat.
At any rate, the true change started in our M about four years ago when he started making out with a girl at the college where he worked. I found out about it when he left something incriminating on the computer and he cried and promised to stop. It seemed as if he did, but later on I found out that he didn't. They were still in communication in 2010, but she had moved across the state.
Then, there was the 19 yo in 2008 that he had an 8-month affair with. Again, the computer led me to finding out about this. I demanded that he end it or leave and this time he did end it and we started working on the M, or at least I did.
Fast forward to 2010 and there was another girl, 20 yo this time, who he swore he wasn't having a relationship/sex or anything with, but lo and behold, he can't deny that he has some feelings for her. And this time, he leaves, telling me that I need to lose weight and he's entitled to want what he wants.
I was, understandably, devastated. At first, I got back on the lose weight train, but I quickly woke up to the realization that if I lose any weight, it has to be for me and about me and my health and not him. I began to really realize my own self-worth and embrace who I am from the inside out. I am a lovely, loving person who deserves fidelity - and I've been living with that knowledge for the past 7 or 8 months.
I did not want to throw in the towel on my M because we've been together for 13 years, I love my H and I think we could have a wonderful life together, so I kept the lines of communication open and have used the DB techniques here. I have GAL - a very good one - and taken care of myself, put myself first and still been a friend to my H. I gave him space, let him initiate contact, etc. - and he has. He's taken me out on dates, he texts and calls constantly. It's just like before (maybe even more communication now) except he can go back to his place and doesn't have to be accountable to me. He's embraced the bachelor life and goes out drinking with his buddies, etc. and I just accepted that this is his journey.
He attributed all of his unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life to me and the M, but he's just as unhappy and dissatisfied today as he was when we lived together.
One month ago an opportunity at the place where I worked came up for him to open up his own business, using all of the skills in the position he's held at the university for the past 11 years. I mentioned the business to him in conversation, but he picked up the ball and ran with it and now he owns his own business at my place of employment and has quit his old job. He's thriving and seems a bit happier now that he works for himself. I helped him startup, do the accounting and am a sounding board for ideas, etc. Now, we see each other every day at work. I wasn't sure if this was a good step or not. There were pros and cons, but the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.
Then, I got another bomb over the weekend.
H came by to hang out and he popped on my computer to use it. We spent the day together, went to a movie, and when I came home and got on the computer, I saw that he'd left an email open and it was to some girl, an in depth message about how he wasn't angry at her and he didn't feel pressured by her, but that things just got so intense between them. I didn't read the whole thing, I just closed it out.
In our talks over the past 8 months, its been clear to me that he is not ready to move back in - and I'm not ready for him to do that, either, but he said that there were no other women. Through all of this, I have tried to be understanding, forgiving and conscientious. Now, I am starting to feel really apathetic.
I decided not to talk to H about what I had seen. That's a 180 for me, because I normally go right to him with my concerns and he brushes them aside or talks his way out of them, but I really didn't even want to hear what he had to say. Normally after this kind of revelation, I am up all night, angsting or crying. I slept like a baby.
I even saw him the next day and hung out with him. I think he sensed something because I was different with him. Normally, he plays my emotions like a violin. He's grumpy, I soothe. He's playful, I am happy. But I just wasn't into it. He was grumpy, I went about my business and did my own thing. He was playful, I was busy and couldn't stop what I was doing to indulge him. In the end, he stormed out of the apartment like a two year old in anger without saying goodbye. Normally, I call him repeatedly and try to engage him, apologize, whatever. I sent him one text, "I hope everything is ok" and then went to bed and slept like a baby.
I am very close to not caring anymore and that almost scares me.
Any advice or words of insight? There may not be but at least I got this out.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Honestly, IMHO it sounds like your husband is cake eating to the highest order. I let my STBX do that for way too long and now she is where she always planned to be - with OM/boss. After she moved out we dated too. Heck, we even went on vacations together! She used all the words they all do: "space" "time" "friends" blah, blah, blah. The reality was that she was simply trying to end our marriage without looking guilty and without it looking like she was aiming for him the whole time.
How many other women does there need to be before you stop? Is there an ounce of commitment to you in him? He will always blame you in some way (they all do) for his actions. But he CHOOSES to act the way he does. Believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see.
Being as objective as possible, what do you actually see?
BetheMan, I see a man who lies to me, cheats on me, is selfish and has rarely treated me the way that a wife deserves to be treated. I see a man who got the best wife that he could have ever asked for, but it wasn't enough for him. I see a man who will be eternally angry and disappointed with the things that life has to offer. I see a man who will never be happy unless he finds a way to change himself.
But I also see the 18 year old that I dated, the 20 year old that I married. The man who was faithful to me for 8 years. The man who prayed everyday first thing in the morning. The man who was the Assistant Pastor of our church. The man who mentored teenaged boys every summer. The man who gets all of my jokes and makes me laugh. The man who I have rarely exchanged an angry word with.
And it's very hard to throw in the towel.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I can understand your ambivalence to throw in the towel, I do. But you can't keep this marriage going by yourself. Like you said, he lies to you, cheats on you, and it likely will never change because he has had no consequences for his actions. You need to draw the line somewhere, and that is obviously where you struggle.
The whole "you need to lose weight" is such a sensitive subject for me. My 1st exh used to say shat to me like that all the time, and it made me feel like dirt. Your H used your weight as a weapon to justify his infidelity, when in truth, nothing justifies it and you know it.
Frankly, if he isn't willing to change, you have to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
BetheMan, I see a man who lies to me, cheats on me, is selfish and has rarely treated me the way that a wife deserves to be treated. I see a man who got the best wife that he could have ever asked for, but it wasn't enough for him. I see a man who will be eternally angry and disappointed with the things that life has to offer. I see a man who will never be happy unless he finds a way to change himself.
But I also see the 18 year old that I dated, the 20 year old that I married. The man who was faithful to me for 8 years. The man who prayed everyday first thing in the morning. The man who was the Assistant Pastor of our church. The man who mentored teenaged boys every summer. The man who gets all of my jokes and makes me laugh. The man who I have rarely exchanged an angry word with.
And it's very hard to throw in the towel.
Maybe I should have asked the question a little differently. Who do you see NOW and in the future?
I still see glimpses of who STBX was years ago, but mostly I see who she is today. If I met her today, and there was no history at all, she would not be an appealing person to me.
DeliquentGurl - this is definitely not how I intend to live the rest of my life. I am unwilling to remain in the situation as it stands and I refuse to be married to the man that he is today.
BeTheMan - I understand and I appreciate your insight.
I guess I am still not ready to throw in the towel, but I am much closer to that than I have ever been. What DeliquentGurl said about consequences for his actions strikes home to me. I thought my pain and the destruction of us was consequence enough, but apparently not. And if he's unwilling to truly change, then we can't be married.
I'm going to stick to my one year rule. I told myself when he left in October, I would wait a full year before making any major decisions. In October, I move out of the apartment that we'd leased together (even though I live there alone) and into a place of my own, it's also our 13-year anniversary that month. Hopefully, that time will bring better clarity for me.
But today, I will stop giving him any of the benefits that he would have as a husband. No dates, no constant communication and no sex. I will be friendly and cordial, but draw the line in the sand. My options are limited.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
DeliquentGurl - this is definitely not how I intend to live the rest of my life. I am unwilling to remain in the situation as it stands and I refuse to be married to the man that he is today.
BeTheMan - I understand and I appreciate your insight.
I guess I am still not ready to throw in the towel, but I am much closer to that than I have ever been. What DeliquentGurl said about consequences for his actions strikes home to me. I thought my pain and the destruction of us was consequence enough, but apparently not. And if he's unwilling to truly change, then we can't be married.
I'm going to stick to my one year rule. I told myself when he left in October, I would wait a full year before making any major decisions. In October, I move out of the apartment that we'd leased together (even though I live there alone) and into a place of my own, it's also our 13-year anniversary that month. Hopefully, that time will bring better clarity for me.
But today, I will stop giving him any of the benefits that he would have as a husband. No dates, no constant communication and no sex. I will be friendly and cordial, but draw the line in the sand. My options are limited.
This all sounds reasonable -- and healthy -- to me.
Nice to see you around. It has been awhile. If remember correctly you were always very good at GAL and had some pretty good perspective on things even early on.
I see where you are having somewhat of a struggle with your H.
I see some things in your sitch that concern me.
1. H has had multiple EA/PA throughout the last couple of years
2. He is a good talker and you have always been there for him to return.
3. He is def secure in his R/M with you.
You appear to be an anchor for your H is a way. I wonder what would happen if the anchor was retrieved and ship about to sail for open waters.
How do you suppose his reaction would be?
There is one thing men hate to lose!
Security.
I am not saying this for you to use as some trick or ploy I am saying this because I believe there is balance between being friendly with your H and being an enabler.
It is clear that he has made a decision, might not be what you wanted or what you would have chosen but it is not your decision to make.
Can you live your life for you?
Without him in it?
Where your decisions have NOTHING to do with him?
Can you live and have zero expectation of what he will do/say/think?
I always admired the way you described yourself and your ability to be so clear in the middle of all this. Also your GAL was very good. Hope that is still the case
He has legitimate complaints, I am sure. Look every single one of our spouses/X spouses had legitimate complaints. I am not saying I agree with how they handled it but they were important enough to them so they should have been important enough for us. Most of us don't get till it's too late.
What are his complaints?
What have you done to address them?
Not for him but for yourself.
You love him correct?
Well part of loving someone is accepting that there are things that they like/feel/think and we should do our best to address them.
You are right.
13 yrs is a long time to let go of someone and as long as you love your H and want to save it I say go for it but there is a lot more to it than GAL and staying busy.
2step - thanks for the lengthy reply! Yes, I have been very good at GAL. I am pretty happy with my life as it stands right now. I have many, many good things going on
Here are my answers to your questions.
Can you live your life for you? Yes.
Without him in it? I am not sure. If it has to be that way, then I will be fine.
Where your decisions have NOTHING to do with him? I am gradually getting to the point where I am not considering him in the decisions that I make. It's taking more time than I would like, but more things are coming up and I have to decide what to do and can't take him into consideration.
Can you live and have zero expectation of what he will do/say/think? Yes, I can do this.
What are his complaints?
1.) That he wants me to lose weight. 2.) That he feels like the bad guy because of his actions and wants a clean slate.
What have you done to address them?
1.) Nothing. I have lost weight, but I refuse to do it for him or under his watch. He has no idea how much weight I have lost, about my fitness classes, what I am eating, etc. I don't want to be under his scrutiny in this regard any longer. And I have a lifelong struggle with weight, I can't stay in a marriage with him where everything is contingent on how much I weigh. It would be my first-class ticket to misery. I'm just taking care of myself.
Furthermore, I am not sure that this isn't mostly something that he's glommed onto to use as an excuse for his desire to wander from the M. He has admitted as much to me. He is confused and one minute I am beautiful and nothing needs to change and the next he is judgmental and distant. And he's admitted that everything I needed to do to be a good wife, I've done and there is nothing that he can complain about except my weight.
2.) I've really bent over backwards in this area, taking him up to my family and friends, not shoving the infidelities in his face or even bringing them up at all, treating him well, etc, making sure that when he's with me, he doesn't feel bad. This had been to my own detriment at times, because he nonchalantly walks along and I have to keep a lot of my pain/hurt/anger inside so that he won't be perceived as the "bad guy".
You love him correct? Yes.
What have you seen in the mirror? Honestly, what I have seen in the mirror is a woman who has given 150% to her M, a woman who has loved, honored, cherished and obeyed to the max. If anything, I could be meaner, colder, less understanding or more judgmental, but those are not traits that come naturally to me. I am naturally forgiving, naturally soothing, naturally nurturing. I haven't nagged. I've adapted each and every time he's come up with something new or taken on a new hobby. I was the wife who was ready and willing to have sex three times a day when he was on that tangent early in our marriage. I've supported his decisions and worked with him to make his dreams come true, I'm even doing that today as I pore over the implementation of a merchant gift card program for his new business.
Am I perfect? No. I could lose weight. I could be harder and less sensitive. I could not care as much as I do. But I am a dang good wife.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
TG- I think it is good that you have set some goals for yourself. I don't blame you for wanting to save your M-that's what we are all here for, correct?
Congrats on your weight loss, BTW.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
- and taken care of myself, put myself first and still been a friend to my H. I gave him space, let him initiate contact, etc. - and he has. He's taken me out on dates, he texts and calls constantly. It's just like before (maybe even more communication now) except he can go back to his place and doesn't have to be accountable to me. He's embraced the bachelor life and goes out drinking with his buddies, etc. and I just accepted that this is his journey.