First off : BITS, thanks so much for your help. Could not have made it this far without your guys.
For re-cap, finally going with lawyer because wife is being un-reasonable on some topics when it comes to daughter.
1: Wants to change daughter's last name. 2: The way possession schedule is structured, i get to keep daughter only for 10 days in a year.
Lawyer sent a completely revised decree removing these items. Wife wanted to talk thursday about this and then basically blew up because i refused to budge on these items.
One thing i noticed is that everytime we have these arguments, my wife controls out my talk with daughter. I was getting worried that i might not be able to talk to daughter on Friday.
Earlier we came up with a random schedule that i talk to daughter 3 times a week MWF. Later i told wife that i wanted to talk to daughter everyday. Then just last week, i started using skype to do a video call. That way daughter and i get to see each other. It was working out great.
So i call on friday usual time at 4pm. Wife takes the phone and asks daughter(3 years old) if she wanted to talk to me.
W : "E does not want to talk to you right now"
hanks up phone. I call again.
M : "Wife i called up to talk to E. Can you give the phone to her please"
W : "E, do you want to talk to dad?. Nope she does not want to talk to you"
M : "Wife why are you doing this. Why is that when we have arguments that you bring in daughter into the picture?"
W : "Oh so now you want my help in talking to E. but yesterday when i asked for your help in just talking, you shout at me. Anyway, call up again on Monday"
M : "Why monday? I'll call tomorrow again to see if E wants to talk to me"
W : "Look, our original agreement was 3 days MWF. So i'd like to go back to the original schedule. Call monday"
Then she hangs up the phone. I thought it was pointless to call again. It did feel horrible. I was just beginning to enjoy my daily convo with daughter everyday. And just last week when i visited her, wife and i talked okay with each other. But then i did know wife's personality. She always tried to make me see things from her point of view.
Then she calls up in an hour or so.
W : "So did you like how the convo went with daughter and me today ?"
M : "No, i did not"
W : "Did you like how the convo was going last week with daughter. How i uesd set things up so that you guys could talk. That even if daughter did not want to talk to you, i'd force her to talk to you?"
M : "Yes i did"
W : "Well this is how divorced people act. Do you want it to be like this?. All i called up yesterday was to talk about the rebuttal from your lawyer. I wanted to see your take on things. But everytime you were hostile about these and kept saying that you will not budge on these"
M : "Look, my possession time of E was cut down from 20 or so days in a year to about 10. How do you expect me to agree to that?. Then you wanted to change daughter's name. How do you expect me to agree to that?"
W : "I wanted to just talk about these, not take some decision on them. But just as usual you just go hostile on me. blah blah"
Anyway, the convo went on for 5 more mins on her telling me that i was being hostile to her.
At this point i think my mind just went numb. I could not take it anymore. I thought getting a lawyer would lessen these. I just wanted her to get off what ever she had on her chest so that she could feel better. I think i ended up validating her anger. Then hung up.
Daughter ended up having an asthma attack yesterday sunday. So she texted me saying that she was taking daughter to urgent care. I called. We talked okay about daughter's allergies and her asthma. Then i got to talk to daughter for a lil while. Felt good hearing my baby's voice.
I've heard about spouses using children as weapons during their arguments. I just experienced one. And i think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Yay, can wait for more sh** to come
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
when you let your lawyer handle these matters, they will lessen.
I wish you had a tape recording of that call b/c she could actually LOSE custody if a judge heard that. IT's the type of behavior courts FROWN UPON HEAVILY...
she's blown it. She is openly using the d as leverage to get what she wants and rubbing your face in it. NO JUDGE IN ANY STATE will be okay with that.
Don't you dare back off with the lawyer BUT don't engage with her. Tell her ONCE (actually you may have to repeat it a lot, let it become your mantra to sink in with her) that
"W, you took our daughter away from me AND now you are using our d as leverage against me. This is why I have a lawyer."
You left me no choice.
Sorry myk, it's a real bummer. But she cannot stay on this course UNLESS YOU LET HER...she will lose most of these issues AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THE L...
I am concerned you think having a L has made things worse. That's like saying lifting your hands to fend off blows when getting beaten up, is somehow wrong. It's not. She really has left you no choice.
Hang in there. IT really will get better. I think her call to you means her own L doesn't think she has such a great case and may have suggested "trying" to work it out with you. Her way of doing that, was what you saw. IT's SO WRONG of her.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry to hear things are going rough. Keep taking the high road and you will beat this thing in the courts. Dont let her sucker you into doing or saying something stupid.
Let your lawyer do the talking.
Hang in there buddy. When you do the right thing, Karma will even things out.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I wish you had a tape recording of that call b/c she could actually LOSE custody if a judge heard that. IT's the type of behavior courts FROWN UPON HEAVILY...
Funny, my family tells me to do it. I thought i'll take the higher road and try to be reasonable and moral. I dunno now. Maybe i'll talk to my lawyer and see.
Quote:
Don't you dare back off with the lawyer BUT don't engage with her.
Oh believe me i have no intention of backing off from the lawyer. The difference is like walking and now having a car. I really like my lawyer.
Quote:
Tell her ONCE (actually you may have to repeat it a lot, let it become your mantra to sink in with her) that
"W, you took our daughter away from me AND now you are using our d as leverage against me. This is why I have a lawyer."
You left me no choice.
She taxed me last night and was asking me not to punish her because of her decision. She feels that whenever i say that 'the choice was hers', she feels that i am punishing her. I dunno, maybe it was a soft spot, but i agreed that i will not bring up the fact that it was her choice. And honestly the way things are going, i dont see any reason of saying it. Earlier i thought that she might realize that it was indeed her choice. But right now i really don't care. I'll leave to god to make her realize.
Quote:
Sorry myk, it's a real bummer. But she cannot stay on this course UNLESS YOU LET HER...she will lose most of these issues AS LONG AS YOU KEEP THE L...
I am concerned you think having a L has made things worse. That's like saying lifting your hands to fend off blows when getting beaten up, is somehow wrong. It's not. She really has left you no choice.
25, of no the lawyer did not make it worse. I was saying that i thought that these would totally go away. Wrong expectation. Also it was my fault in talking with her about these. Now i know better. I am consulting with my lawyer for every thing now. And i'll redirect her to my lawyer now.
Thanks 25. I really thank you for making me see the benefit in going through a lawyer. Honestly if i had done this alone, i would have caved in long back and just agreed to everything she wanted.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
WoW! That's about all I can say! Yes, my W has used the kids as a weapon in the past... well... I was gonna say not as bad, but certainly a little different... really sux...
As 25 said, too bad that wasn't recorded, but this is the type of stuff you want to journal. Then, at least it's something you can mention to your lawyer.
And my advice? Do what ever you can to not get into it with your W. I know what it's like. And while I get more than 10 or 20 days a year, I cherish ever time the kids visit. Here's the thing...
Last time my W tried this, I reacted, but not to her. I vented here, I contacted an L to seek an interim court order... but I said very little to my W, other than asking if she felt that was right for the kids. A couple days later, she gave back what she had "taken" and while didn't say the words, for the most part apologized.
God, their guilt, karma... whatever... it comes back around... Have faith...
I wish you had a tape recording of that call b/c she could actually LOSE custody if a judge heard that. IT's the type of behavior courts FROWN UPON HEAVILY...
Funny, my family tells me to do it. I thought i'll take the higher road and try to be reasonable and moral. I dunno now. Maybe i'll talk to my lawyer and see.
Karma,
Your obligation to "take the high road" is mistaken. Replace that thinking with "In every situation, DO THE RIGHT THING. Do the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me."
Your obligation is to your DAUGHTER first, and YOURSELF second. Or, if you like the "put the oxygen mask over your own face first, so that you can then help your child" analogy, to yourself and then your daughter. You are not responsible for your wife's legal or financial positions anymore.
There's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties in a divorce action. It is, by design, an adversarial process. 25 is giving you great advice here: let your attorney handle these things. When your wife tries to suck you into the convo, say "That's an interesting proposal, but I'm going to let my atty handle all of that. I really don't have any experience in this divorce stuff, and I really trust him/her on these matters."
Your W is manipulating you plain and simple. You know what irritates people like that the most? A calm cool confident response.
Let her rant and let her rave. If she hangs up and she calls back let the VM pick up. Eventually you will get tired of getting whipped because she knows how to push your buttons. That is for sure.
Again I am not suggesting you go to war with her but you should NOT lay on the tracks for her.
You need to REALLY work on the 180 of being more stern.
Thank God I did not have that conversation with my X. All my DB would have gone out the window
2Step, yea you are right about that 180 on being stern.
I dont know how to articulate this properly, but everytime i have conversations like this i feel that if i am stern, she will end up getting upset and then just increase her resentment towards me even more. That defeats the whole purpose of trying to improve our relationship(or whatever is left of it). But yes i do understand that right now my relationship with my daughter is the most important and i need to keep that as priority #1 and everything should be worked around it. If that means that i become enemy #1 in my wife's eyes, i guess there's not much i can do to help it.
Sometimes i am just surprised that how she can actually justify all these as correct to her own self. She can lie to me. But how can she lie to herself?
Last week was rough. I just really need to divert her questions to my lawyer now so that i will not find myself on this boat again.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I suggest you replace "stern" with "civil," "matter-of-fact," or even "business-like."
You DON'T have to be (nor should you be) a DIKK to her. You just don't have to kiss her azz, either. Just do what's right for you and your daughter -- The Right Thing To Do -- and however your wife chooses to respond to that is not your concern.
Once you learn to master this skill (and it IS a learned skill), I think you'll find it amazingly liberating.
