It has been 2 months

[verysad2day]

It has been 2 months since H left the house. Wow what a journey. As far as I know OW is long gone. I suspect she/he broke it off before the confrontation, that night, or shortly after.

My advice to fellow DB'ers...Be carefull of what you wish, pray and long for.

I have, I hope, have had the space and time to truly look at myself. I am not perfect. My husband isn't either. I love him as a person, but I am not sure that I "In love with him" anymore. I am struggling with this. I have my ups and downs.

We still have not talked about OW. We still do not live together. We spend weekends together and 1 night a week together. On the outside, we are a married couple, husband "is working out of town."

My question: I wanted this marriage to work sooooo badly. I read the books, I put into practice the techniques, I did it all. Now, I'm not sure that he is the one. When he comes over, I LOVE it. Eight hours later....not so much. Then, when he leaves, I want him to come back (never tell him this.)

My heart of hearts tells me that I will never forgive. My body and our "click" tells me something else.

What am I doing wrong?

[~¤DG¤~]

Verysad-

Good to see you posting, I have been wondering how you've been doing.

I envy you, my H & I have been separated for over 3 months now and we rarely see one another so I don't experience the feelings that you do.
I'm sure there are people on here who have felt exactly how your feeling now.

I'm happy to hear that you are doing better. It's amazing what time does for us, huh?

[verysad2day]

I was where you are. I thought the pain would kill me. TRUE PAIN. DG, I lurk on the board and on your threads. YOU do have to let go. I promise, PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE, once you do let go, he will be back OR you won't care if he comes back. This is my 2nd time at Dbusting. Now, I truely get it. I db'ed myself, and my husband isn't the knight I saw though he was, After he wanted the D and after I found out about his affair. He is the same broken man he was when all this started. I did the work. He comes around to "play" (I play too) yet he is the same.

[JustStunned]

VS, I’m glad you posted.

Did you do anything wrong? I don’t think so. I think your R is stuck.

Is this the limbo I read about here? IDK. I may never find out.

I guess the question is what do you want now.

My heart of hearts tells me that I will never forgive. My body and our "click" tells me something else.

I copied this from another posters tag line. I think it pretty much sums it up.

“FORGIVENESS IS OUR WAY OUT OF HELL,
Be Happy, or be "Right".
Forgive, or stay stuck. CHOOSE.”

I don't know how to tell you to forgive. I just know I have had to in the past to move on and live this life. If I could forgive and move on you can too.

[~¤DG¤~]

VS-thank you so much for your encouragement.

Can I ask you, how do I let go? I don't talk R with him, I don't initiate conversations, I get out with my friends as much as possible.
How do I truly let go?

[25yearsmlc]

Delinquent Girl,

I wrote about this somewhere else and it's how I learned to start to let go...
in small doses.

First, realize the truth about forgiveness. It's NOT about them. It's all about you. They don't have to even know about this, b/c it really is a favor you are doing for yourself and your kids.

When I was at my height of anger and h was away mostly, I would take long furious "marches" and try to physically wear myself out. I was "rightly" angry, and justifiably hurt. This was true.

The problem is, it was hurting ME. I was not fully present for my children or my job and my children needed me MORE then, not less.

I had to somehow discard or contain the pain and anger.

I began by turning it over to God. I'd say it out loud (in the shower) like 100 times. It helped.

I came to realize and believe that forgiving would help MY LIFE...his was irrelevant.

H had a 4 day conference in Palm Springs 3 months before his expected departure for AWAY....

H suggested we all go for a mini vacation. I feared that, or pretending all was well, for I thought he'd think his leaving was somehow being accepted by us. I didn't want to fake like I was fine. I didn't want to "encourage" his selfishness and cluelessness.

Thankfully either God or my DB coach or someone, showed me another way of seeing things.

Since this would be the last likely chance we'd have to make some memories, I decided the kids would NOT see us fight.

I knew it was only 4 days. I figured I could always be negative and angry later on (I'm ashamed to admit that that thought, comforted me).

So for 4 days, I chose to ignore any & all negatives about h. I would not think of them and if the thought of his leaving came into my head, I would toss it out, or see a STOP SIGN or whatever. For four days...I figured I might be able to do it.

Instead of seeing my h as a nerd when he spoke of his research, I saw his intelligence and chose to like how my d's were learning from him, instead of thinking "h is monopolizing"...

I would not let myself be a beyotch, for those 4 days, no matter how sad or angry I felt about his pending departure....for four days....

I chose to focus ONLY on his good qualities. IF a negative came up, I would neutralize it or see it differently or look past it...for four days....

I would shelve all the negative emotions I felt for h, even "justified" ones, for 4 days...just four days.

After 2 days, I had begun to actually feel differently about h. Seriously.

No fights. Affection in small doses...

We went on horses, did hikes and we all had a ball.

H was visibly relaxed and happy. I did NOT let myself worry about his thinking "oh, I can leave and all is well" and instead thought

"i'm giving him something to miss" and "I'm giving my kids good memories"...

It was a great trip.

In a moment of clarity I realized that "this might be a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like"...

H noticed it, the d's noticed it, and things changed.

and that WAS a glimpse of what it looked like.

You lose the scorecard, and the grievance list and you

go "from this day forward."

I hope this helps.


If you cannot forgive and you know this, you may as well quit now. You cannot hold the sword of Damacles over his head the rest of his life.

He has to believe you can forgive without making him climb Mt Everest.

I am not judging you if you cannot forgive. Everyone has their line in the sand.

But figure it out.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks for this 25yearsMLC, it helps.

I am having a very difficult forgiving.
I forgive with my head, I understand and empathise, but I have discovered I did not forgive with my heart. I'm working on that.

[~¤DG¤~]

I forgive him, as I am the reason why he left.
I am working on forgiving myself also, but that is a process.
Is that what you mean?

VS-I don't mean to hijack this thread, so anyone can respond to this on mine.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for this 25yearsMLC, it helps.

I am having a very difficult forgiving.
I forgive with my head, I understand and empathise, but I have discovered I did not forgive with my heart. I'm working on that.

Not to toot my horn or whatever, but really re=read my post. It's long but it has a point in it about doing the forgiveness "exercise" in small chunks of time. YOU CAN do those and then, you'll get a glimpse of what it might look like. And so will he.

Shelve all the pain for a specific amount of manageable time. It's temporary and b/c of that, you can put the anger and hurt and fear away for JUST THAT TIME...it's a breather for your soul/heart if nothing else...we all need a rest.
Like a weekend or whatever time you have to. I began with one night he was visiting and so I knew i could theoretically complete the 4 days. I cannot stress enough how important that trip was for me.

Just see if there's a chance for you to do something similar.

[any chance?]

So, if I may, a question: you are talking about forgiveness, which is a crucial step, to be sure. Figuring out how to truly do that is difficult. But, the next step, it would seem, is to learn to trust again. Is it possible to trust again? How do you start putting that back together?

AC