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[Queen_of_Swords]

Links to previous threads - newest first: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2156693&#Post2156693

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2144124&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...159#Post2115159

[Queen_of_Swords]

I am doing alright.

I realise that many men would be happy to have me in their lives.
I don't have to settle for a man that doesn't want me and sees me as a persecutor, prosecutor, judge and jury rather than a loving , big hearted , partner.

I have much to offer. I will conquer my fears. I can let go. I can and will forgive and maybe even forget.
He is damaged. I was too.
The difference is I've ripped off the bandaids and addressed the infection in the wounds. I'm not done healing, but I will get there.

He's afraid, he's isolated himself and insulated himself in his aloneness and I have empathy for the fear, but I can't help him get past the or be his physician, nor can I relieve his isolation.

Time to stop looking backward. Time to rid myself of the illusion that I mean something to this man. I don't and haven't for a long time.

Perhaps I'm best served as seeing any remaining interaction with him as a business exchange. Polite, impersonal, a maybe I'll never see you again business contact. What he decides to do beyond child support/visitation is no longer my concern.

[Queen_of_Swords]

In a strange place emotionally speaking.

Feel like I just don't care what H. does anymore. I don't care how he reacts to me either. I can be dressed to the point where I sizzle and his affect is flat, oh well...it is what it is. I no longer feel offended by his lack of reaction positive or negative either.

I am no longer avoiding R talk, because I need to discuss things for my own peace and understanding.

I love him, I always will, but it feels like he's gone on a long sea voyage that doesn't have a port of call, and no way to send out communiques although occassional signs of life are evident and the ship can receive telegrams.

I have been on a few "dates" to meet with men for coffee. They've been pleasant encounters that don't turn into anything more. That's fine with me. At least it gets me out there, refamiliarizes me with male/female social encounters, rejection and given me back my confidence.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thatgirl007 wrote this:

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought. Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

on a thread found here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=2159553#Post2159553


Wow. She expressed something I've been feeling for a long time , even before separating.
Now I'm wondering if I've been beating my head against a wall this whole time, given that H is the one that doesn't want to work on the tatters of our M, and that he probably feels just as devalued.
Sigh.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Changing things up.
It's been my habit to answer the phone and then hand it off to my kids when H. calls.
I'm not doing that or even bothering to purposefully wish him a goodnight anymore.
I care, but a lot less as the months pass.

It's hard to maintain any feelings for a man that dumped you, broke your heart and now treats you like detritus.
I guess because I finally realise I don't rate a passing thought, or well wish, I'm not putting any energy in his direction or trying anymore.
Why do it? Nothing I do or say, think or feel really makes a dent in his behaviour or changes my situation.

I am beginning to accept that I am pretty much on my own, raising my kids, ( and I say mine because they spend the most time with me).
I get to do the hard work and reap the rewards of it too. I'm getting my behind out there and finding that I have a lot going for me. It feels really good.

[Queen_of_Swords]

In a bad mental hole today.

You know that song? Should I stay or should I go? That's me today.

I don't know whether saving my relationship with H is even possible or even if I want to anymore.
Seems futile and that I'm just prolonging the agony.
I don't know if I can stand for the few tatters of my M that remain.
I'm about out of patience, drive, and persistance.
I'm not getting any younger and my kids keep growing.
Is it best just to accept I'm going to be doing it all alone and stop hoping and believing in the possibility of R?

I'm beginning to think my initial instinct for self preservation was the right one. Pretend he doesn't exist and we never had a past because we darn well don't have a present and don't appear to have any future.

I am not sure I can continue to DB anymore, I'm not sure I CAN'T continue either. What's the alternative? I don't see one.


I want to phone my counselor, but what would I say? Nothing's really changed. I'm still alone, still exhausted, still raising kids, still looking for work, still doing the best I can.

I have tried to keep track of what things fill my cup and a few things do, unfortunately so far I've noticed the ones that help me feel cared for best take money to do.

I am not unhappy in the main but I'm rarely happy either. I'm still too close to the edge of tears too often.

[keepyerchinup]

Hi Scylla, I can relate to a lot of the stuff you've written in this thread.

Not knowing if you can continue, not letting the other persons negative comments get to you, having to acknowledge they treat you and have been treating you like crap, and on and on.

The quote you posted from ThatGirl007 really hits home too. I'm the guy who's been working so hard to change for six months. I understand how my wife could be reluctant. Still though I don't think I deserve some of the treatment I'm getting from her. This morning I had the oddest interaction with her. We've been talking a lot and getting along so well then she came into the house just as I was waking up to go to work, acted kind of neurotic and ended up swearing at me before leaving the house for an appointment. "Do whatever the f*** you want" she said - as if to imply "you always do". Which is a load of bull and she knows it. I don't deserve to be treated that way, to be sworn at, and she's the only person in my life that talks to me that way.

Even though I thought I was past being effected when she acts like that this morning I let that get to me. Not as much as I would have in the past, but still I know I'm in for more sad emotions surrounding this. She has a lot of issues to deal with that would be around whether I was in her life or not and it's sad to deal with.

Thanks for posting Sylla, I'll send some positive energy your way, I know it's hard.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thank you for posting on my thread. I really appreciate the time you took to do that, and the feedback.

I'm pretty demotivated by it all and I can see you are too.

If I were you and I'm not, I'd lay a boundary about swearing at me.
It's unacceptable. The people that you're most intimate with should be treated better than a stranger, and she darn well wouldn't swear at a strange man that way! Not to mention when you curse others you curse yourself.

That said, sounds like it was about what was going on inside her, more than anything you did.

I will return the favour keepyerchinup and send some positive prayers your way too.

None of this is easy. The personal digging, behavioural change, mental attitude change, the financial, the physical...we're all being pulled apart and duct taped together it seems.

[~ kd ~]

Just checking in, Scylla.

I see you are going through the "LBS change".

Slowly coming to the conclusion that you deserve better, remembering the the things from the past that rationalize and justify the LBS to no longer want M and to finally move on to D.

I'm there, too. In fact, I'm going back so far as 5 plus years, suspecting that I was only staying M because it was the right thing to do, for the kids... But if it weren't for the kids, I would have been out the door in a second...

Hope all is otherwise well for you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hi Kaffe.
Yes, I figure my H. emotionally bailed on me after my first child was born, about 12 years ago.

I do deserve better than what I got.
What I got was a man that was silent and uncommunicative, and being shunned in favour of computer addictions, the gym/workout buddies and workaholism.

No more.