How to make progress???

[luvmyhubby]

I am working with my H to repair our once happy marriage. Im reading DB and am ready to set goals. He spends all of his time on his buisiness and never sets aside time for me, kids or our home. I expressed all of these feelings to him yesterday and requested that he come home with a few small goals to help us. We are both seeing a counselor on our own and one together. He came home and we sat down and he had nothing he was too busy and couldnt think of any goals.. I just wanted to cry.. He says he wants our family but isnt putting in the effort.. do I push or lay off?

Thanks for any feedback!

[luvmyhubby]

This weekend was an eye opener. I went out of town while my H stayed home and worked and his whereabouts are all in question. After a huge blowup on the phone with him he said he wasnt really trying and he didnt see our marriage working out. Crying begging and pleading for our kids and our family was my reaction. When I got back home we talked and his response was that no matter how hard he prayed all he could see was us splitting up. I basically forced him to agree to counseling for our kids and he asked for individual sessions before our session together which I am working on. He is moping around the house and I tried very hard not to do that and he is still in the home. I know he is down and hurting it is just so painful to think that he openly told me to my face he wants this to work out and we can go to counseling and then changed his mind. I think he is having an EA with some one or is talking to a bad influence but I cannot be sure. I have a DB session today in hopes to get some guidance. I am praying that things will work out.. Im strong but wonder how strong???


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W-34
H-31
D-5
S-8
M-11yr.
Tog.-13yr.

[luvmyhubby]

I had my first appt with Jody Yesterday and then immediately implemented more drastic measures. My H stayed out late and said he was working but I did my thing and didnt call etc. I got a text after midnight that he would be home soon but I didnt respond to that either. He came home and washed his face and neck and then came to bed which indicates he has done something he shouldnt but I ignored this. Then I woke up and told him that I hoped he had a good day and that I know he worked really hard and was tired. I think this surprised him because he didnt turn his back like normal he layed next to me but I just a bit of distance. Then next thing I know he was spooning with me.. I am in a really great place right now and very happy with my current stance. We shall see what happens in our therapy session today with a non db coach and how the rest of my changes are taken. Regardless I will be just fine in fact i see myself differently today than i have in a long time and it feels really really good to acknowledge that I am strong, beautiful and capable of doing it on my own if I need to. I thank Jody for making me feel so good and uplifting me..

_________________________________________
W-34
H-31
D-5
S-8
M-11yr.
Tog.-13yr.

[luvmyhubby]

Yesterday was the first appointment with the C since I started really trying DB full force. I forced my H to go before I had talked to my DB coach so I wasnt sure how it would turn out. I was surprisingly upbeat and my H was of course in the dumps. At first I thought I might have to scream at the C because he was him-hawing around time and eveything coming to its end and a time for this and that. I thought at first he was going to say it was time for a D but eventually his point was that my H and I were on different time tables. I was expecting an answer and my H was not ready to deliver it. I agreed and then mentioned that I had really thought about it and decided that I was not in search of an answer from my H and I wanted to give him all the time and space he needed. The C asked what my H thought of me when he looked at me and his response after a long time was that he was waiting for what the next issue I had for him was. Or what i was going to gripe at him about next... He asked me what my complaints of my H were and I simply replied with only positive things about my H, he was smart, handsome, hardworking etc.. The C noticed that I was dedicated to my M and wanted to know first why, I simply replied because when you have someone that makes you feel so loved and so good about yourself for just being you and you are good together you dont let that go. Then he wanted to know how i was so positive and up beat and where it was coming from. I explained that I simply was changing myself to be better for me and this was the permanent outcome it was no magic or facade just me.
The C did ask my if I had a contingency plan if the outcome was not what I was hoping for. I think this was his way of asking how I would deal with a D if it came down to it. I simply replied that my H was a strong capable man who could take his time but when he did make his decision it was his to make. I would respond accordingly and be just fine no matter the outcome. The C also asked if I was vendictive or mean I think my H is worried about me taking the kids away, I replied that I cared too much for my H to hurt him in any way especially like that. I left it at that.
I have a realy gut feeling my H might have told the C the day before that he wanted a D but is scared to tell me.
So I thought the session was horrible at first but then after i reviewed it in my head maybe it wasnt so bad. It did push a lot of my H buttons that should be left alone right now however I was able to get out there how I am changing and seeing my own mistakes. My H did agree he sees me changing and is noticing everything, however his big thing is that he said he has no hope of me ever being able to change. This is his fear for the entire marriage that I wont change and he cant take that. So I simply took really good mental notes on this issue and am dissecting my behavior in the marriage to see how I can do better.
Afterwards we went to dinner with the kids and have a relatively nice dinner with some small chit chat. On the way to dinner I mentioned I had gotten a new battery for my truck and he seemed surprised that I didnt ask him to help I think. Then I requested that he keep the kids on friday night since I had plans and he agreed and then offered up that he had to work late on Thursday. I simply acknowledged that he was working very hard and I appreciated his hard work. My H was tired and went to bed as soon as we got home and I took care of the kids and got them in bed. I stayed out of the bedroom and worked around the house to get other things done and I could hear him tossing and turning. When I came to bed we stayed on seperate sides not touching or anything I simply patted him and told him goodnight and he said the same.
This morning when we woke up i hit snooze and attempted to place my foot right next to his in bed. That lasted for about 2min until my H moved his foot over away from me. That was a bit of a knife to the heart but I simply rolled over and then got up and got ready for work. I listened to the radio and sang while i was getting ready very upbeat and happy.
Before I left for work I woke him up as I always do to discuss a few things and say goodbye. I said a few things about the day and the kids needs and then told him i wanted to ask him a question and he sort of took a deep breath and looked worried. I said do you think that counseling is helping at all? He looked really scared and was starting to worry about how to answer the question. I tried to ease him by saying that I simply needed a yes or no answer and that i could handle whatever his response might be. He simply replied "no" that it wasnt helping.. so I said okay then we no longer have to go to counseling and that we could just leave things the way that they are for now with no pressure. He looked stunned.. I think I really surprised him. I have stopped telling him that I love him becuase I think this really does cause him pain to say it back to me. So I told him to have a good day and gave him a kiss on the cheek and left.
Today is a new day and now I can see the tracks I have left behind me and how they werent in a straight line. I can accept my part in all of this and I now know that I played a HUGE role in the train wreck at my feet. Now every day is a new day and I am dedicated to making my self better from this even if it means that the outcome is not the one that I want. Ultimately I am better for me, my kids and the person that I am with in the future.. praying for daylight!

Feedback anyone?

____________
W-34
H-31
D-5
S-8
M-11yr.
Tog.-13yr.