So my daughter (step-daughter / 18) approaches me with alot of apprehension and tells me that she thinks her mom is having an affair.
She wants to confront her mom. Daughter has had alot of conversations apparently with her dad who seems to have told her that mom my W, was doing this in her first marriage. He told her once a cheater always a cheater. Apparently she was having an affair with someone from work. That lead to various fights and arguments. Her dad ended up running and around and drinking alot. Lead to being an abusive situation. Daughter is real upset and angry at her mother right now. Daughter is real angry at life right now.
She has also talked to her older sister who is also very angry with her mom. Oldest Daughter away at college.
I am real close to both of my daughters (W's daughters).
I have explained to daughter that this an issue between her mother and I. That I ask that she let me handle it. My daughters are real stubborn and very out spoken. I have always encouraged that. So I am afraid that they will talk to their mom and it won't be exactly pretty.
So what should I do? Let nature take its course?
I am working real hard on becoming detached. I started to move into the other bedroom, but wife told me she wanted me to stay. Wife has told me that she loves me, wants to be with me, enjoys my company, but is very arms length or cold when it comes to being inimate. I feel like she is a roommate.
Very confused!!!!
Desperately need direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help.
Cos Just caught up on your sitch and I can totally relate. My W while diagnosed shows all the signs and she even goes on sites too. Here are some quick tips that have worked for me.
1. Stop snooping, not only will it hurt you, it will destroy the positive energy you will get from GAL. It is hard to stay positive after snooping. This is whether you find something or not.
2. Yes your W is WAW a lot of the same behaviors and motivations are there. The only difference is that yours like mine feels the extreme highs and lows of those emotions more. For example a fight for her during a low will be that much more emotionally devastating, at the same time the high she gets from these OM is that much more intense. I truly believe the both of us are in slightly harder sitch's. If yours is anything like mine I bet she is down right evil in the things she says and does. Then hours later will be the most wonderful person in the world. You will most likely ask yourself who is she?!
2. So when she goes through lows it's like her world is falling on her. I'm sure you get blamed for a lot of those lows. It's because she can't understand why she feels so bad, why simple things affect her so terribly, why it seems like nothing will get better. That is being in a low, it [censored] for them and all they can think about is how bad things are. Even if they are far from the truth.
3. Unfortunately this unrealistic and often exaggerated low is their reality. They can't see it any other way. Their feelings and emotions are their reality, never forget that! If you try to convince them otherwise they will just resent you for it, claim you don't understand, or are trying to manipulate them.
4. Worse is when they make decisions during a low. They are really making decisions on bad information their brain is feeding them. All they want is to end the unhappiness and may make bad decisions to try to make things better. (affairs, drugs, alcohol, impulsive spending, you name it). So in conclusion they are desperate to run away from their own feelings of unhappiness, this could mean running away from you.
5. Instead they are seeking that thrill and extreme feeling of happiness they can get when on a high. When in a high every positive feeling is magnified, whether it's a fun concert, a nice evening with you, or the attention an OM provides. It is all greatly magnified. They want to go from this l
Cos Just caught up on your sitch and I can totally relate. My W while not diagnosed shows all the signs and she even goes on sites too. Here are some quick tips that have worked for me.
1. Stop snooping, not only will it hurt you, it will destroy the positive energy you will get from GAL. It is hard to stay positive after snooping. This is whether you find something or not.
2. Yes your W is WAW a lot of the same behaviors and motivations are there. The only difference is that yours like mine feels the extreme highs and lows of those emotions more. For example a fight for her during a low will be that much more emotionally devastating, at the same time the high she gets from these OM is that much more intense. I truly believe the both of us are in slightly harder sitch's. If yours is anything like mine I bet she is down right evil in the things she says and does. Then hours later will be the most wonderful person in the world. You will most likely ask yourself who is she?!
2. So when she goes through lows it's like her world is falling on her. I'm sure you get blamed for a lot of those lows. It's because she can't understand why she feels so bad, why simple things affect her so terribly, why it seems like nothing will get better. That is being in a low, it [censored] for them and all they can think about is how bad things are. Even if they are far from the truth.
3. Unfortunately this unrealistic and often exaggerated low is their reality. They can't see it any other way. Their feelings and emotions are their reality, never forget that! If you try to convince them otherwise they will just resent you for it, claim you don't understand, or are trying to manipulate them.
4. Worse is when they make decisions during a low. They are really making decisions on bad information their brain is feeding them. All they want is to end the unhappiness and may make bad decisions to try to make things better. (affairs, drugs, alcohol, impulsive spending, you name it). So in conclusion they are desperate to run away from their own feelings of unhappiness, this could mean running away from you.
5. Instead they are seeking that thrill and extreme feeling of happiness they can get when on a high. When in a high every positive feeling is magnified, whether it's a fun concert, a nice evening with you, or the attention an OM provides. It is all greatly magnified. They want to go from this low to a high, and as said before they are so desperate they will do reckless things, and forget they are hurting those around them. It hurts to say this but bi-polar people can be pretty selfish during their highs and lows. All they care about is ending the low and getting the high sometimes.
6. So where do you fit into this? I'm sure if you married her, you used to be part of her high, she probably built this great fantasy of what life together would be. She probably thought you could keep her on a high forever. Then reality set in, no matter how well things went the lows dragged her down eventually. To make things worse the problems of life came in making things harder. Eventually she probably started associating you with the lows. Afterall I'm sure more than once you had to tell her to control her spending. "how dare he try to keep me at a low, I NEED to spend to get to high!!".
7. Your intimacy problems probably stem fro this weird reversal of associations she has. Now you are mr low. She wants to run away from mr low because being at low hurts too much. Introduce OM or Mr high. She sees other people, men who are not needy, are charming, but most importantly ENABLE her. The fog kicks in she becomes head over heals for these men, you are mr low you have no chance against these OM who promise her the same type of high you surely used to give her.
Does all this sound familiar?
8. Does she also have temper problems? Does she come up with crazy ideas that are impractical, unaffordable, or just plain wrong? All these are just attempts at ending the low and seeking the high. More than ever this quote applies. "don't believe anything they say and half of what they do". Every terrible and illogical action is just a desperate attempt to escape a low. In my case I ignore 98 percent of them, and they turn out to bE just that crazy ideas that never happen. On the other hand if you refute them, or try to dissuade her she will see you as not a partner, but an obstacle on her way to high. I have found that in their crazy ideas they need to realize for themselves how ridiculous their ideas are. You can't do it for them.
9. If she over reacts in anger quietly step away and let her process her anger, often when they get out of low they realize how cruel they have been, and feel bad for their actions. If you argue back, all they'll remember is you fighting with them and will try to make themselves the victim. Even once they get out of low they will still victimize themselves. Remember they can't understand why they are so low, and would love to blame you for it.
10. Alright all that being said I'm not trying to demonize your W. I am speaking from my own personal experience. If yours is anything like mine the moments of high are amazing. We truly wish they could stay on high forever.
11. So what can you do DB and GAL like crazy with a twist. You need to be her emotional lighthouse. You need to model the behaviors you want to see in her when she is high, spend time with her, laugh, enjoy life. Show her that she can share her highs with you, and doesn't need OM. When she is low let her process her emotions by herself. There is nothing you can do but get blamed for the low. She will try to get you angry, and draw you into fights so she can blame you for her low. Don't let her. You need to in a loving way detach when she is low so she realizes she causes the lows and not you. This is just my theory but I am seeing some early results.
12. I'd recommend the 5 love languages, this will help you rEach out to her during her high as well as give you some things to avoid during her lows.
Ok so that's quite a long post I hope it helps. Most importantly know that there is someone here that truly understands your challenges it will take a lot of patience and love.
Great post GB90, although my w is not what I'd call bipolar, she is exhibiting similar traits in an attempt to get the 'high' all the time and she is VERY capable if dishing out the hurt when she wants to - albeit unknowingly she says.
I'm pretty much following your prescribed course of action only we're separated so almost zero time spent together except when I pick up the kids.
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
I inadvertently caught W with OM. She says she is sorry, that it is over. That he was in town and that his GF was dying. Vital organs shutting down, etc... That he was freaking out and just needed to talk to someone.
Unbelievable that this guy is married, has a GF here in town and is involved with W.
This is like a nightmare that won’t stop.
He then sends me an email saying that he gives me his word that he will not see nor communicate with W anymore - please tell her he sent this to me so she knows as well.
He is sorry to have caused me and my family any pain or suffering.
I was not convinced. In fact because of my curiosity I did a search on the internet based on his email id. I can’t believe what I found. He is cruising several internet sites as well as adult Web Cam Sites looking for what he calls BBW women.
Not sure W is involved or not with the web cam stuff.
This OM seems to be a sex freak.
After what I have found, I am not convinced they are no longer communicating at the very least.
I am ready to send him an email back and let him know that I am will expose him to his wife and work if he keeps trying to communicate with W. I know who he is and who he works for from what I found back in February.
I am working real hard on greenblue90's advice. But this is freaking me out. It is harder than I thought.
I am desperately in need of direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help.
I inadvertently caught W with OM. She says she is sorry, that it is over. That he was in town and that his GF was dying. Vital organs shutting down, etc... That he was freaking out and just needed to talk to someone.
Unbelievable that this guy is married, has a GF here in town and is involved with W.
This is like a nightmare that won’t stop.
He then sends me an email saying that he gives me his word that he will not see nor communicate with W anymore - please tell her he sent this to me so she knows as well.
He is sorry to have caused me and my family any pain or suffering.
I was not convinced. In fact because of my curiosity I did a search on the internet based on his email id. I can’t believe what I found. He is cruising several internet sites as well as adult Web Cam Sites looking for what he calls BBW women.
Not sure W is involved or not with the web cam stuff.
This OM seems to be a sex freak.
After what I have found, I am not convinced they are no longer communicating at the very least.
I am ready to send him an email back and let him know that I am will expose him to his wife and work if he keeps trying to communicate with W. I know who he is and who he works for from what I found back in February.
I am working real hard on greenblue90's advice. But this is freaking me out. It is harder than I thought.
I am desperately in need of direction, support, advice and help...
It would be very much appreciated. To those who have responded thank you very much... You have been a big help.
Do not involve other people at this point in time.
At most, show your w what you found IF you think she doesn't know and if you think you can do it in a way that does not look vengeful or as if you are saying "I told ya so!"
That's not easy. I'll write more later but I am nearly positive if you "go public" you'll hurt your r with your w AND look vindictive.
In fact, isn't the reality that you are trying to hurt him by doing this?
What's so noble about that? You think your w will admire you more?
ALWAYS ALWAYS, ask yourself two questions. 1) What is your goal?
2) will this action get me closer or farther from that goal? Be honest...
And if your goal is revenge, at least try to see how UNattractive that makes you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
