when will the pain end

[d1adsl5a]

I never thought I would be posting here again. I thought I was past everything. I know my marriage is done, but I keep finding out why things went wrong. My W still has so much anger. She moved out a year ago. She had an affair and still is after she left. We split time with our sons. I have them every saturday, sunday and monday. I guess I am your poster child of what not to do as you will see in writing this story..

I had horrible insomnia in 2008. It was going on a year by the time my w said she wanted a divorce. That was the day I started sleeping regularyly again. Why?? well after a couple years a therapy you learned how things got bad. I learned that I became a different person as well in the marriage. My wife was verbally abusive. I shut down over the years. Ended up in the brother/sister--parent/child type marriage. I get why it ended. Oh, she also said that she never really loved me and had been in love with her current boyfriend the whole time. So bottom line, i would never validate my feelings of a failing marriage, so my body did with isomnia and stress.

So what do i do...i go to eharmony to find the next wife...big mistake. I meet the most wonderful girl in the world, start a new little life. Come to find out after 9 months, that i am not completely in love with her. I break her heart a few times in trying to end things. i finally just did it for good today. The guilt is overwhelming. She was everything my wife wasn't. She was the nicest person I have ever met. i just didn't love her the way she loved me and I couldn't continue this anymore especially that i have been hanging out with her kids as well. She hadn't met mine yet. And of course my crippling insomnia along with horrible anxiety came back over the last month.

What i am realizing is that I got emotionally messed up in my marriage and it will take a long time for me to come out of this. In the process I hurt another girl who just wanted to love me...

Now my W is going after me for sole custody. Why? she wants more money. I never thought she would stoop so low to using our sons as a pawn to get more money. This divorce has been going on 18 months. I have to pay for both attorney's which has cost over $40,000. As you can tell, i am unhappy, depressed, tired, anxious, sad, full of panic, guilt...It has been a long road. I tried the antidepressant(celexa) route the first time. I had such a horrible reaction. They made me crazy. i tried them a couple times for a few days each to help with the insmonia anxiety. Well, guess what, same thing happened. I thought i was going crazy again. Note to self, that is a bad idea. I have been taking ambien every night since this started in 2008. It works for the except when my anxiety is at its peaks. Which is when I am lying to myself about my feelings. It is really about finding the source of stress to combat insomnia. The first time was that i knew my marriage was failing and I was hiding my feelings. This last time was that this girl truly loved me yet i didn't love her as much. And yes, i was almost willing myself to love her because i so wanted it to work...

I am scared because the insomnia came back. I am scared because my w is trying to take to much. i am scared because I realized as well i have been pretending to be something I am not just to get through a bad marriage..I know it is day by day, but life is so hard sometimes.


Tomorrow is another day.

[zero12]

A good reason not to date until D is final if there ever was one. Give yourself a break. Try to GAL, without another woman, and see what it's like to just be yourself for a while. Really you've got to like your own company before anyone else can, anyway.

Money is a huge worry, and I don't mean to belittle it, but the money isn't worth your health, neither is your M for that matter. (Can I say that here? )

Are you interested in splitting custody? It will probably take just as long to determine maintenance if you're at odds about that issue as it would to determine custody.

Take care of yourself.

z

[d1adsl5a]

I wish I would have listened to that dating advice that you just gave. All my friends gave me the same advice. The problem is nobody could have told me different at the time. My wife just moved out and within 2 months I was in a serious relationship. It was like a quest to show I can still get a girl...

That is one of my biggest issues is liking my own company. I played a role in my marriage as the bread winning husband and good dad until I imploded with my insomnia. My marriage was falling apart all around me and I couldn't see it.

With the girl friend, I did all the right things, said all the right things. I am always really good at telling people what the want to hear to make them happy. I don't stop much to think what makes me happy. Do I like the guy I am? I need to figure that one out still.

The girlfriend thought she knew who I really was, but I was playing a role in the end...And the lying to myself on how I felt finally caught up with me again.

I agree, money is money. I got lucky early on in my career and got a good job that pays alot. So it hasn't been an issue. My ex won't settle till she "gets what she is owed..as she puts it" That includes over $5,000 for child support, alimony and private school in additon to sixty percent of the assets. But I have been able to be ok in my head financially.

It has been learning about how I was in our marriage, how I can lie to myself through that our marriage was good.

How I can drive myself into despair because I couldn't fall in love with a girl...

We were doing joint custody until her lawyer talked her into changing to sole custody to get me to give her more money... We have been trying to do it outside of court with a new kind of divorce law called Collabrative Law up until a week ago. So much for that...

Anyway, thanks for quick reply. As you know with this place, talking helps even if your marriage is over...

[zero12]

I'm sorry that she decided to make things difficult on the finances. Last time my stbx decided to divorce me he was overly generous. I know I worry about money in my divorce, but I don't understand why someone would decide to gut a person they once loved over it.

Anyway, do you have a plan for getting a life? I'd love to hear it. Other people's hobbies are fascinating. --z

[d1adsl5a]

Great question. I have four nights per week for getting a life. Before it was Wednesday's and Friday's at Angie's. Tues and Thursday would be sports things with my boys. Then I would have the boys sat, sun, mon.

So now I really have to GAL...

I need to make new friends that are divorced. All my friends are married. I do know some people, I just need to make the call...

I plan on learning how to play the guitar.


I plan on waiting to date until I figure out me and make me happy.

I plan on finding some people that I can play tennis with.

I do workout every morning, but that isn't something new that i do.


I still need to work on the list a bit.

[zero12]

That's a great start. You probably know how to find local tennis clubs. I wonder if there is a tennis Meetup in your area. And guitar?? That would be so cool! I'm excited for you and I've never wanted to do those things myself. (I can't play sports where objects fly towards me. LOL!)

Take care and keep us posted on the GAL progress. --z