For those of you joining us for the first time you have enought reading material here to last you a week. I believe some of the best advice I have heard is contained within these threads, also some of the biggest blunders on what not to do. If nothing else it is a great learning experience.
Well it has been a few days since last I posted and frankly I have been very busy, also I needed a break from the boards and from everything and although I have been reading along with everyone I have not posted. I want to start living what I preach and it is very difficult to do.
It is easy to say detach, GAL, have no expectations but when you are in the middle of everything nothing is done without expectations, GAL can be painful, and detaching is practically impossible. So I have taken some time to think reflect and evaluate.
I think I'm on the right track and my dips seem to be less frequent and although I would be lying if I said that I don't miss her the pain is much more bearable now than it was just a few weeks ago.
The death of this R has been a slow painful process and there is no quick fix and no quick solution to how you feel. It is more a progression of feelings and acceptance.
GAL is important and it does make you feel better but it is hard to visit and do things with people other than the one you love, however I am happy to report it gets easier.
Detaching......well this is the one single hardest thing and while I am not completely detached I know I am on the right track. How do I know? I will explain in the follow up post to this. Some interesting things have happened since last I posted.
Expectations.........I am starting to figure this out and while it is true that you can proceed without having any it is not like what I had imagined. Everything you do in life carries with it some expectation attached to it, if it didn't you would not do it. I eat because I expect to get full. I work out because I expect to be in good shape. I talk to my X but I expect for us to get back together, so on and so on. However it does change a little and you learn to manage expectations to a more realistic level so that you are not constantly let down.
My last entry was May 6th so in the follow on post I will update you guys on the current events. 25MLC i will respond to your post, I read it several times before I vanished and I read it still.
Michelle I hope everything worked out at the wedding. I was thinking about you that day, hopefully you made it through ok.
I will begin the update with the first contact we had in 9 days, for those of you who follow my sitch that is a long time for me.
She calls last Thursday but I was out to lunch with a friend that flew in from out of town. I did not answer the phone call. A few minutes later I get a text from her
Thursday May 12th
X: I made an appointment with Jody....Just thought I would let you know
I did not respond. I finished my lunch and took my friend home. While he got set up in the house I decided to call her back.
M: Hey you called?
X: yeah did you get my text?
M: I got a few text, I was out to lunch should I hang up and read it?
X: No I was just letting you know that I made my first appt with Jody.
M: Oh Ok good, I hope you get something out of it.
X: We will see. How are you?
M: I am doing good how are you?
We talked for a few minutes and the convo was moving kind of slow. I went to hang up but she kept talking.
M: So when is your appt?
X: Tomorrow at 9
M: Wow I usually have to wait a week
X: Yeah I thought the wait would be longer but I got it right away. They had two noon and 9 I took the early one
M: I figured you would take the late one
X: No I have things to do during the day I figured the early one was better
We talked a few more minutes and I don't recall about what. At some point we began to talk about vacations and different things we had done and places we had visited.
X: Disney was fun. It was like I was a little kid
M: I bet you can't guess what my fav part of that vacation was
X: It was the parade at the end of the magic kingdom closing or the elevator ride at MGM
M: Wow yeah you are right. But do you know why the closing of the park was my fav
X: Why?
M: Because at that moment I could not figure out who was the kid you or D, you guy's faces were lit up like you had just stepped into a disney movie
X: LOL yeah that was awesome. Vegas was fun also
M: What was my fav in that vacation
X: The tickets to the show we got and the dinner at the Eiffel Tower because of the seats by the fountain
M: Wow you're good. You are right
We did this a few minutes and she got all my fav moments right
M: I don't think I like this game. You are good.
X: LOL
Talked a few more minutes
X: All those memories all those dreams gone.......how sad
M: they didn't have to be, I still believe they still don't but oh well that is just me
X: yeah I guess. It is just sad. So much more we wanted to do and we never did. We should have done it. I always wanting to go camping.
M: yeah camping would have been fun. You know life gets in the way one week turns into two into a month and before you know it you have lived wanting to do something and not actually doing it. It is too bad. I would do things differently.
She went to talk about different things she wanted to do, she sounded kind of down. Everytime she mentioned something we could have done my response was "I would handle things differently" and left it at that.
In all we spoke about an hour. At one point early on I said
M: Well sounds like you got to wherever you are going
X: I am just at moms house it's 90degrees out
M: Well I don't want you to sit in the car roasting so I will let you go
X: You don't have to make excuses to hang up with me
M: I am not lol I just figured it is hot since your AC does not work.
We talked for about 40 minutes after that.
Next morning I had a test for the military and I was tied up from 8AM till about 3PM around 11AM she called but I did not answer again. I could have but figured I would call her on the way home.
About 3PM I called her back. She answered
M: Hey you called?
X: yeah did you get my VM?
M: No did not check it. Was up?
X: Schooled called. D missed school?
M: Yeah she had a bunch of blood work to do but she went to work school around 11AM
We talked about D for about 30 minutes, she had done the DB session early that morning and initially I thought the phone call was about that. I assumed she had done the call but she did not bring it up. She never mentioned she actually called so neither did I.
D was with my parents all weekend so Friday my buddy and some other friends went to a bar to watch a live band play.
Sat went to NYC visited Central Park hung out all day drank some beers and my buddy and I went to a show to watch a live television show. That was fun. After the show went to dinner and drank some more beer. Got home home late. Sat morning I also got a call from a bill collector looking for X, not a good sign.
Next day went back to CT and back to NYC ended up in the financial district and visited 4 Irish Pubs. My buddy stole a glass from each one.
Monday my company left and I had to call her about some Tax issue so driving back from the airport I called her
Monday May 16th
X: Hello?
M: Hey I wanted to let you know that ABC bank called looking for you. I did not give them any of your private info but figured you should know.
X: Oh yeah great thanks. You called to tell me that bill collectors are calling me
M: I did not know who they were, I just figured you might want to know. They never told me who they were and why they were calling.
X: Yeah don't worry they have my number also, they have been calling me. Sorry they are bothering you
M: No that is fine. You doing ok?
X: You really want to know? Or. You want the same thing I tell everyone. I AM FINE.
her tone was pissy and nasty
M: Well I asked right?
X: I am broke and have no job now. I am fine. But you are doing ok you got a promotion. So good for you
M: What did you say?
X: Nothing never mind
M: How is the job search going?
X: It's Blackwell Ok what do you think. It [censored]
M: I am sorry
X: For what? Its fine. I don't need anyting from you. I am fine. I will be ok.
M: Well obviously you are having a bad day so I am going to let you go. I did not call you to irritate you, just figured you wanted to know about the call, that is all. Have a good day.
X: No I am sorry I am just being a ahole and a b!tch. It is not your fault and I should not be taking it out on you. I just can't help it. I get angry.
M: Well I understand that. Matter of fact that is the reason I don't tell you to go f^&* off and hang up on you, because I understand you are frustrated and I am an easy taget.
X: Yeah but you should not be. I will figure it out.
M: Well if you need someone to talk to, you know where I am.
X: Thank you. I am fine.
Silence..........
X: Did I tell you I talked to Jody?
M: No. You told me you had an appt but never told me that you called or how it went.
X: It was ok. She did not say much. I could talk to a f*cking brick wall. All I did was talk. I doubt that someone is going to fix all my problems in 3 sessions, I doubt she is going to get me to go back running into your arms cause that is what she is there to do.
M: The sessions were for you to use as you wanted. She is not there to convince you of anything. At this point your decisions have been made, all she is there to do is help you work through it. She usually challenges me pretty good. You don't have to call her anymore if you don't want, they are for you not for me. What made you call now?
X: Depression. Well she said that she thought I was pretty smart and that I had done a lot of growing up. I told her about the teddy bear inccident (you would have to go back a few post to know what that is) I told her I talked to you about it and she asked me if you had valued my opinion and listened. I told her you seemed to have, but I was not sure yet. We talked. She is very intrigued by our sitch
M: When I first spoke to her I had so many thoughts in my head I could hardly get it all out in 1 hour so the next time I called her I had to write it down before I called. Maybe if you try that you could have a plan in place before you call her. That might help. If you decide to call her back. Did you still want to do the last session together or would you rather have that on your own?
X: Well I have not had my second session yet but yeah that still sounds good to me
M: Well I know you have not had your second sessions, you will call when you are ready. I am in no rush. Sounds like you are driving?
X: Yeah going to Ponca looking for a job.
M: Oh ok. I thought you might stop by the book store lol
X: LOL I just don't have the money right now. I think I should wait to land a job before I spend money on anything
M: yeah that is prob smart. Would you like me to send you a copy?
X: If you send it I will read it
M: That is not what I am asking you X, it's pretty simple if you would like I can if not i won't.
X: No send it. I will read it.
M: Ok well when I have time this week or next i will go by the bookstore and send you a copy.
Talked a few more minutes and that was it.
Monday 16th Evening
I called her back regarding some tax stuff.
X: Hello?
M: Just wanted to let you know the money owed for the IRS I just paid off. It was only 120 so we are good. OK?
X: Wait we still owed 120?
M: Yeah remember the letter you showed me while I was there. I got one saying it is paid and I did not know if you had a copy of the letter but it is paid.
X: Oh ok. Thank you
M: No problem. Good night
I hung up but before I hung up I heard her snickering (IMO she was thinking to herself 'you are calling for business but you really want to talk to me some more but you are playing it cool, i get it') now you can say that is mind reading but whatever, I know I am pretty close on that. How do I know. Because after the phone call I heard the snickering and thought..........She will call or text back.
20 minutes later text from her
X: I thought you were going to send me 120 LOL
M: hmmmmmmm NOpe, Sorry
X: That is ok. LOL
That was it. Now ALL of u are caught up. My fingers hurt.....
Great JOb 2step. You are playing it cool and confident as far as I can see. She is the one calling you, and she is baiting you but you are not biting. Dbing 101.
She is not done with you and you know it. It will take a lot of time and patience on your part. The tricky part in all this is for her not to come back because she FAILED financially.
You dont want that, you want her back ( if you still do) because she made a mistake, sees the new you and likes it and thinks she has a life with YOU, together.
YOU CANNOT and should not bail her out of this path she chose. Otherwise you wont be sure why she came back.
Dont get me wrong, you are not out to punish her, but she has to show you that she wants back for the right reasons IF she does in fact want back.
Great to hear from you again my friend.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
except she is still placating your with words, trying to keep you as plan B
Holy Smokes Michelle you are the third person to tell me this, would it surprise you that the other were also women? Prob not.
25, Cat, and you have been driving this home for a few days now. Such a simple concept really, but it absolutely comes down to actions and not words. While she appears to struggle she continues to move forward.
Very Well..........
My objective is clear.........
Not to me. What is it?
To be honest with you I am not sure why I am still swimming in circles here. The outcome is very clear.
"Outcome"?? You are divorced...that happened already.
Why do I look over my shoulder?
B/C OF FEAR...NEARLY PARALYZING YOU...
Actions speak louder than words.
YEAH, WELL, WORDS WEIGH NOTHING. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS NOW IS THE ACTIONS & THEY HAVE TRANSPIRED AND YOU ARE DIVORCED...ENO OF THE M....can you hope that someday you guys will get a 2nd chance? I think someday long from now, you can hope that. But it's way too soon for now.
I wonder if I'm in love, not with X, but with the IDEA of being in love.
Many of us are or have been.
I imagine that answer will come with time.
NOT NECESSARILY. AND YOU MAY NEVER GET IT. SO??
The irony of having to let go of someone you love is that it takes a lot of love to be able let go of someone.
IN THEORY I AGREE WITH YOU. BUT IN YOUR SITCH, WHAT'S TO "LET GO" OF? SHE'S GONE...SORRY.
Problems occur when I avoid the grieving process and try to cling to something that has died. At the very least, the inability to let go will keep me stuck in the past and I won't really be living my life. It is natural to grieve for a period and just as natural to eventually let go. When that will happen is anybody's guess. I wish I knew!!!
IN A NUTSHELL, THIS IS THE CHOICE YOU SEEM TO BE MAKING FOR YOURSELF, ON A DAILY BASIS...TO STAY STUCK, NOT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...HOW SAD. MAKE A NEW CHOICE TODAY.
In order to fully accept my divorce and move on, I need to understand what happened
THIS IS A LIE I USED TO BELIEVE...fact is, I will likely NEVER understand my h's MLC (or whatever it was).AND I DON'T NEED TO EITHER. The past is NOT seen the same way by people so there'll never be agreement on it. What matters is that you learn what YOU would do differently if you had the chance, "from this day forward." Keep your eye on the "now" and the future. My biggest regret is the enormous energy and TIME i wasted trying to understand what h was doing, thinking, feeling, etc. I'd ask "Why, why why?" all the time. But then I remembered a 10 y/o girl I met in cancer camp for kids. She was terminally ill and said she had been asking God "Why" she got cancer. Her words were "I used to ask God why I got cancer. Why, why, WHY? THEN I realized i just did...and I wanted to have a fun life while I can." She did have a great summer, and it was her last. She was wise beyond her years. Enough of the "why?s"...LIVE YOUR LIFE...it's short as it is.
and acknowledging the part I played. It’s important to understand how the choices I made affected the relationship. Learning from my mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
Own them, learn from them, and let them go...period. Work on the concept of forgiveness and what it really means. FORGIVENESS WILL SET YOU FREE.
I believe I have done this and it still carries A LOT of guilt!
I am happy because I am growing daily and I honestly don't know where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude.
Going forward I will cut back the contact quite a bit although right now I don't call at all or reach out to her in anyway.
I believe the only way for me to heal is to move in the opposite direction.
My inability to heal and accept the end lies in my constant contact and allowing myself to pay more attention to her words than I do her actions.
NO WORDS OF HERS SHOULD MATTER IN TERMS OF THE R...AT ALL...LET ME REITERATE...her WORDS are NOT IMPORTANT...and frankly neither are the actions NOW, b/c she already finished the marriage....
But know that where the head goes, the heart will follow. At some level this will start to sink in if you let it, and then real change might occur. It has to for you to move forward...
Good luck.
25 my objective I believe is clear and that is to move on with my life and not look back. It is not looking for any positives signs from her or waiting to see what she decides, in my mind she has already decided. She decided to D me. I will treat her as I do a friend. After many many months of struggline to figure out this concept I am starting to understand it.
This is why I say my outcome is clear. I am D! Does not get any clearer than that.
The answers I have been looking for slowly come into view. At this point I am ok although I still miss her and raising a D without her is painful sometimes but the more I do with my D and the more I face the reality the easier it becomes.
There is no magic switch any of us can turn on or off that will help us do what we need to do it slowly comes. Some of us can detach better than others, others struggle A LOT.
One thing you mentioned awhile ago was how you think back and regret all the time you wasted trying to figure out what H was doing or being depressed. I understand that comment but that comment comes from a person who has healed and was successful. If someone would have told you back when you were depressed that you were spending a lot of energy on useless thoughts of loneliness you would not have believed it. I am sure I will look back and think/say the same thing.
You mentioned several times in your response "what is there to let go off. she is gone" I know this. I am not sleeping with a blowup doll pretending it's her LOL but to let go of someone is more than just their physical presence. It is letting go of the feeling or the desire to want them. That is the letting go I am speaking of.
I do think we need to understand what we have done to contribute to our demise 25 and I believe that is part of understanding what we would do differently.
Forgiveness is a slogan we use around here all the time. It is something we like to tell each other and while it is absolutely true it is much harder to do than we say. It takes a lot of reflection and self analysis and love. I wish it was as easy and waking up and saying I forgive her but I also forgive myself. It is a daily thing for a long time until it just becomes natural.
I agree that her words carry little weight at this point. One of the mistakes we make in the beginning of all this, and it is natural, is that we obsess over every little word or comment and we let it bother us for days. We hang on to them as if we are holding on to a life jacket. That is what I was holding on to for so long yet her actions are the ones I should have paid attention to.
As far as 'where the head goes the heart will follow' I have seen you post this on several threads and I must admit, at the risk of sounding like a dummy, I am not sure I get this.
I do appreciate the story you shared with me about your aunt and uncle. I think that is great. At this point I don't see this happening with me unless I happen to be in Ok for some ODD reason and we end running into each other but hey you never know.........
The tricky part in all this is for her not to come back because she FAILED financially.
Honestly 9 this is not a concern for me at all. She is pretty proud and would rather eat grass than to come back because of money. Of this I am sure.
Do I want her back?
That is a good question.
I miss her and I do love her
At this point it would be as much a choice for me as it would for her. It would be a challenge for both of us I guess if I ever get there I would have to think about what I would do. If I was still M the answer would be clear but since I am not it becomes a little murky.
It is good to see you around 2step. Good to see that you are getting better.
I know that you and your X are 1500 miles apart physically. As far as the process of healing, you are at least 1500 miles ahead of her. You have been reflecting on the things that needed self-improvement and have been working your collective a$$ off to become a better person.
She still holds a lot of resentment and anger for where she is at in her life. Maybe she is still blaming you, but perhaps she is now looking at her part of the demise in the M. Who knows? Hopefully she is willing to take that long and difficult journey to the other shore to find that 2steps' door is unlocked.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I think she is bitter but the focus has shifted from me to her. I can tell in the way she talks that she realizes it is not all 2step faults that she is living the decisions she has made. I am sad for her bucause I know she is struggling right now and I wish I could help, but I can't. If I can draw a picture of the place she is living in imagine Tombstone Arizona 1860 throw in a few more buildings and some cars with a walmart and that is pretty much it. It is hard, considering she came from NYC.
A buddy of mine who is very close to the both of us who lives a town over feels as if the newest or being home has faded and she is now going into depression. I feel she i likely depressed right now, and that also makes me very sad. I was ecnouraged by her call to Jody but I expect very little from it. More than anything the distance has forced us to look in the mirror, sometimes I believe it becomes harder when the other person is right there in front of you all the time. It is almost like a forced evaluation on us. I am sure you understand since you are in the same boat.
You are one handsome devil 2Step!! That one's for you!! Hang in there man!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
