Hello, My wife and I separated a little over 3 weeks ago. We've been married 14 years and together 15. This is her 3rd marriage and my 2nd. She's struggled through this marriage with anxiety, depression, and most probably Borderline Personality Disorder and has struggled committing to the relationship, expressing often that she is not cut out for a relationship and shouldn't be married (despite lots and lots of happy wonderful times! - well, in my mind).
Within that 3 weeks, we've gone from talking to arguing meanly and now she won't give me her new phone number, blocked my emails at her work, cut off facebook communication. There is only one email address I have left to contact her at, which she responds to inconsistently, and her work phone which she gets angry if I call because we get into stuff and she doesn't want to argue about that stuff at work, and I live only a mile away from her, which is too close because I go over there when I'm troubled.
We are in a counseling hiatus. She said she can't commit to the marriage anymore. I would like to work on it. After saying she wanted a divorce in counseling because of my anger, she back off and said she was feeling like she was forced to choose divorce or work on marriage. So the counselor decided she should work with her counselor for a month to discuss her ambivalence and I should work with my counselor and figuring what I should do. And then we'd reconvene on June 6, the day after she gets back from a trip in which she's supposed to visit her mom and an old friend from Facebook with whom she has been having some kind of flirtation. Our counselor suggested we look at the Divorce Busting site. I have gobbled it all up. My wife has looked at the site sparingly (she's taking online classes and is very busy, but still...... it's because she's not invested!).
Since counseling stopped and we had a bunch of fights, she has said she's "done right now," has taken her ring off, has proceeded to go out on the town. She refuses to define "done right now" to me. Despite all this, after 15 years, we are very good friends. And I want to at least keep the friendship going so we have a place to work on things. She's asked to be left alone, which I'm having a hard time doing.
I've read Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and am half way through Change Your Life and Everyone In It. I've consumed Keeping Love Alive, Marriage Breakthrough seminar, and gotten phone counseling. My phone counselor says I must go dark. Last Resort Technique.
My wife, who has looked at some of the materials, also knows the game.. she told me that I must leave her alone, that I'm afraid if I leave her alone she won't contact me. And she's right. She's the one who stepped out, who has never in her life gone back on something she has decided to do (even if irrational and impulsive), and really isn't that interested in being married! But I know... from what I've read, that we can easily repair our relationship. Divorce Busting is fantastic and dynamic... great program. I want to try it. It would be a total shame not to try with these tools at our disposal. And she won't commit to that.
She's pretty much said we will probably have to go our own way until at least June 6th. And then, she's supposed to decide if she wants to work on the marriage or not. And I'm so afraid that it will be not.
There is much more to the story, of course, but she hasn't filed papers. We are completely separated, money, goods, etc. We used to be joined at the hip - one car, lived on a boat, no stuff, joint bank acct.... for almost 12 years (except for the boat). Sooo going from this extreme togetherness to wife not wanting to be married has upset my entire world (not to mention my own family dissolved with the death of my mom and aunt last fall, so my wife, the boat, and my dog were all I had left!...and they're now gone too! --except I get the dog, Thursday through Sunday.
I set up a phone texting tree to contact people when I felt the urge to email, call, or contact her. At the first sign of contact, like when returning the dog Sunday, she was friendly, offered me two hugs, and it just makes me want to stay and socialize and be friends and get the ball rolling, because WE ARE friendly! Part of it seems like a game, like she's punishing me..... that I have to wait for her to call, because of some recently trust violations she perceives. She's in a very blaming mode where she's done nothing wrong (15 years of my fault!)...and not taking any responsibility for her own actions, not forgiving at all. Those are difficult things for her to do.. but I know if she just gave Divorce Busting a chance, we could breakthrough almost immediately.
So... in going dark, I can't know she'll contact me. How do I go about getting her attention again? I don't know that she will miss me.
Take a deep breath and let it go. It seems you're working toward detachment and I know that's a very hard task, especially if you were so close before. Going dark is a gift to her to give her space, but even more importantly it's a gift you give to yourself to give yourself some space to detach and focus on GAL.
What she does with the space is up to her, but it's very likely she won't forget you. In fact, you probably already have her attention, even if it doesn't feel like it. If she's set on walking away then there's nothing you can do to change that, other than show her on those occassions you do see her that she's missing something great (which is why you need to GAL) and to be consistent in your changes so she knows it's not some trick.
As a WAW, I know everything that Michele says about us in DR is true. I can't tell you if you fit the role of the oblivious spouse, but I can tell you my H thinks he did nothing wrong when in fact he was ignoring me and the problems until I was depressed and tired of trying. Now he wonders why I'm mad and don't want to work at it anymore.
Only your W can fix or control or change herself, and you can only do those things for yourself. If your W decides to come back then she'll have her own work cut out for her. Let her focus on her own healing right now, while you focus on being your best.
zero12... thank you for the kind words. I've read some of your posts and you seem spot on these issues.
Everytime I say..."I've gotta make some space for myself," she takes steps back toward me. In fact, when she wouldn't give me her phone number as an emergency backup (since my social circle right now is very small and mostly out of town, and we've been very close and good friends despite our separation), she said she'd sleep on it, and then would talk to her counselor.
I had written her and said I needed some space away from this constant roller coaster and that she knew how to get a hold of me when she was willing to just *be.*
Well, not only did she call twice the next day, she gave me her phone number, and she invited me to dinner on Wed (today) and then for an End of the World party on Saturday - just the two of us. I was able to say no to the Wednesday dinner because of previous plans (dance class that I'm just starting), so we changed dinner to Thursday, and if we don't fight, we'll have our party on Saturday! I'm not sure what happened in her counseling, but something did, something happened where cutting off contact was deemed too extreme.
So, when these opportunities arise, for me it's a place for me to demonstrate ways I have changed, ways I can employ DB techniques.. to listen, to be calm, to be understanding, to just *be* without talking about relationship or doing any future-looking at all. So I jump at those opportunities... which then goes against going dark or LRT.
I'm having difficulty finding a balance. Suggestions, observations? Thanks.
One suggestion would be not to go to an end of the world party for two. It just doesn't sound fun. Is there kool-aid involved??? A process server??? Maybe it sounded better in the invitation.
Seriously, though, it's okay to be open to some invitations, but not all of them. It was a good thing that you had a conflict and wouldn't change your plans to suit her. It's not just about impressing upon her that you have other things to do. It's also about valuing yourself.
As for how to keep cool about things, it's as easy or as difficult as detaching. It may be that since the two of you have been so close, she's going to try to pull you back in every time she feels you moving away. She may be having as hard a time with this as you are, and it may be up to you to be the tough one and make space for both of you.
Also, when you are with her, try to keep in mind that you want her to feel comfortable around you. Like a safe harbor. Don't talk about the R. Like you said, just be.
Okay.... I'll give it a try. I'm not sure what motivated the turn around.. the giving me her phone number, the invitation to dinner, AND the End of the World party. I do know that she's going on vacation starting the 26th or 27th, to visit her mom in Virginia. This was a trip WE were supposed to take, but she made it for her and came up with a bunch of excuses, and then I found out she'd been making a certain contact on Facebook that looks suspicious. And at one point she got so mad at me that she extended her trip. Now this trip is partly supposed to be for her to get headspace to think through things, but she'll be surrounded by friends and a one-sided story and her mother, who would throw me under a train. When she returns on June 5th, we have a couples counseling session on June 6th... and it was at that session that we were going to try to decide are we moving forward with marriage counseling or are we going into a divorce. I'm all for.... not making any decision at all, as it is all too soon. But.. I can't speak for her! I so want to at least try to DB techniques together so we can say we tried everything we could. But she's just not there.. she's at "done right now." I don't know what it can take to turn that around.
So yes, dinner tonight.. short and sweet.. just food. And then Saturday's more light hearted End of the World party. No R talk. Period.
