Hello all, This is my second time attempting to post, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that my post makes it to the board this time.
A month ago, my husband of 22 yrs (25 yrs together) announced that he no longer loved me and hadn't for "some time." I was crushed beyond belief but held on to a hope that he'd "snap out of it". We have one daughter at college (coming home this Tues) and a 16 yr old son at home. My H professed to wanting to "hold out" till the kids were gone but was unable to "stand it" any longer.
I know that our marriage was far from perfect, and I was very difficult to live with. He's a "withdrawer", and I'm a verbal "attacker"--passive aggressive, critical, "nagging." It's a typical pattern--the more he withdrew, the more I would "attack", and so on. Our sex life from day one was practically non-existent. How much of this had to do with the attack/withdraw pattern from the beginning? I don't know.
Though we both have Ph.D.'s, he's the one with the tenured job, I have "nothing" so to speak. He announced that he is "done", but with no plan--he had not talked to an attorney, had made no plans to move out, and had not thought about "next steps."
After much talking with my therapist (I made an appt right away), friends, reading, soul-searching I have finally stopped blaming myself and have become better about hearing his criticisms and blaming of me through the lense of the DR book and other sources that remind me that his lense is all negative right now--he only sees the negative in me, in our marriage (i.e., "maybe I never loved you", "should have gotten help/left from day one"). The emotional roller coaster is real, but I'm trying to stay on it.
This past weekend, I discovered that he's been lying to me for years, and even through this four weeks after his announcement that he didn't love me. He's been having an affair with a young woman who used to be a student of his. Thing is, for years, I'd come to him and told him I thought his friendship with her was dangerous to our marriage, and that we should be working on spending time with each other and working on our marriage. Back then, he was disinterested in seeing a therapist/mc.
He's involved our children in his secrecy (don't tell Mom I went skiing with OW, she's be pissed). I haven't been shy about my distaste for his friendship with her.
My discovery of their affair and his admissions that they'd been having sex for about a year, that they loved each other and all the stories and my thoughts about where they've been, the sneaking out of the house to go "to the office", his moaning about having so much work to do when he's been on the road to visit her, his "work trips" that have really been with her, and even in the weekend that he dumped me and said he had to go away to "think" was a weekend away with her. Most recently, I had to ask him if he was going to accompany me and our son on an out of state sports trip. He said "no, he was going to 'another state' that weekend for "field work"." So, not only is he letting our son down, to go away with her, he's also left me the responsibility of having to find care for the dog etc.
I asked him why he's "still here". He said "he's confused". I thought to myself, well, there's some hope here then. But how stupid am I to have him here in the house, to live with someone who's capable of such deceit? I professed my continued love for him despite what he did, realizing that his habits of "compartmentalizing" and avoiding and burying problems enabled him to live "two lives."
He still has not talked to an attorney--I don't think he has any idea how ugly and distasteful and downright financially devastating a divorce will be to both of us. He is not confused about his lack of love for me (that hurts so deeply for me to realize that he hasn't loved me for so long, but has stayed to "hold out" for when the kids are both gone from the nest), but just confused about what to do, re: the kids, breaking up the family, losing his "home" etc.
I feel like I "know" things that he does not because of the time I've taken to read articles, books, these boards, etc. I can see that this marriage could be fixed, but only if the partners are willing to turn and face themselves. I feel confident that I know the pattern, and that the affair was not 'out of the blue', but I have a lot of trouble with the fact that he repeatedly went back to pursue her. I should mention that I am turning 49 this year, he is turning 48 and the OW is 25!! They've known each other and been close for at least 5 or 6 years. She's very bright, and they have much in common.
I also understand how sex and life with her is much more attractive than life with me. I hate that they only thing keeping him here is the thought of what this means to the kids, and nothing to do with me. He told me last night that if there were no kids, and if it was just me, he'd be gone. Added to that, he said he's not "confused" anymore. Again, this crushed me--I feel the rejection so profoundly; and the devastation and powerlessness of knowing that I cannot make him see that we are not that unusual, that this pattern of being unhappy and getting fulfilled elsewhere is reversible.
I can't compete with a 25 year old who's ready to lay down with him when ever he walks through the door.
He's said that he doesn't necessarily want to build a life with her, and that the affair is only a part of what is going on here. I said "it's a really big part" but I understand. He is a bright scientist, but has a lot of trouble understanding or wanting to put the time into understanding the ways of relationships.
Right now, the only thing keeping him here is the displeasure of telling our kids. Our daughter has no clue, she is expecting to come home to a happy home (or at least the level of happy that we've been used to); she goes overseas for a long course shortly after she arrives here. There doesn't seem to be a "right time" to tell her. Our son is very withdrawn and silent. We both worry about what this will do to him.
H doesn't want to be with me--wants a new life free from the "misery" of living with me; after a period of feeling disconnected from him myself and feeling like the marriage is dead, I am now more committed than ever to making a new marriage work with him; neither of us wants to tell the kids what is going on. We'd been to a counsellor in the recent past, to help us work on "the kids", but admittedly, I was not ready to talk about that and wanted to focus instead on "what went wrong in the marriage." I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow and the discussion will include the children and implications. He's invited, but refuses to see her (even though he's cried that he needs to talk to someone). I can't make him go, and I told him as much.
