Back here again - why oh why?

[lovehurts2]

Hi guys,

Its been a while since i posted..my stich is in the link below


Last year after the separation i did the 180/GAL and i can say it did work. Our communication became more frequent followed by physical connection.The following few months was like i was born again. I couldn't have been happier.

I ended up going on my holiday overseas, had the most amazing experience of my life with a girlfriend. I did everything that made my heart content (except hooking up with other men)

Since ive been back, which has been 3 months since i moved back with H, i thought things were ok, we did have fights but nothing like it was before. The nagging lessened down on my part, as i was aware it was a issue in the past.

And then...

It all then blew up on mother's day. The morning started off great as he bought me flowers and a card (we dont have any children but a dog who we treat her as a daughter) I thought it was so sweet and endearing from him.An hour later, he touched my stomach and said"getting pregnant?" i was upset, yes i have put on weight from my overseas trip, i was well aware of it and i have been working out. He had been making remarks about my weight e.g you could lose about 20kgs, or how about the double chin" He believes he is only saying it to motivate me to lose weight..it just hurts because its the words he uses aren't constructive critisim.

Because of this and many other things, our intimacy levels have dropped to non existent. He says he is more unhappy than before, and he feels there is no spark left, that we dont have any sex etc. He mentions that he is over it, and he just doesn't want to be in this relationship as he is sick of being unhappy. This was a surprise as i didnt know he was unhappy with our situation.

Im a wreck. Yes we got back together but we adverted back to our old ways, and again going in circles without finding a new way to resolve things as what we were currently doing never worked.

I suggested we go counseling and he agreed. I couldnt get in til a week later, so after the day i booked us in he said "no i don't want to go anymore, ive made up my mind, i dont see any point at all" He believes that he isnt going to pay someone to make him change his mind when he is determined that what he is feeling is not going to change. He also mentioned if he went and the therapist asks " do you want to save your marriage?" He will answer "no".

Am i just holding onto hope?

I plan to stil go and see this counselor for her to explain to me why we have these behavioral issues. I'm currently living stil with H but he believes i should move out. I can move back with my family(there will be no issue)

.... but should i go move out of the house? Im stuck whether if i should see a counselor and if i should be living in the same house? would it be healthy if we lived in the same house.

I'm stuck what to do as H is determined this is over as he believes he gave the M a second shot, did everything he could and it didn't work? To me marriage counseling is the last resort..and i know if we went, that we gave it all we could to save it.

I hate this feeling.

[lovehurts2]

some reason i cant link my old post

[~¤DG¤~]

First of all let me say I'm sorry you found your way back here again.
I'm sure this is not the place you want to be.

I would urge you to go to counseling. Even if you cannot save your marriage, you can still save you. I've been in C for almost 5 months now and it has made all the difference in the world.

I would not move out if I were you, if he's so miserable he can move.

[dcz]

Sorry that you are here I am going thur the same thing right now. I am in the same house and it is very hard some times because I dont even want to look at him. I will be here for a long time in order to save money up to move out. I just live one day at a time and try as hard as I can not to let him see how unhappy I am.

[sandi2]

See if this works.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...078#Post2044078

[lovehurts2]

thanks DG and Sandi for my link.

Last night was the first night he slept in the spare room. Up until now we were still in the same bed, but no contact.

I guess it upset me quite a bit that he couldnt even bare to be in the same room. We can't even have a conversation. The situation is so depressing that my glimmer of hope is disappearing

We had a heated argument today, he keep saying "i just want you out of my hair!" "when are you moving out?" "Don't u think its weird that its over and your still here?"He keeps re-enforcing the fact that he has made up his mind. I want to believe that it can still work, and i hope that MC this week will open our minds (he has said he will come with me now, but to prove that this M is not worth it)

I know DG, you said that if he is so uncomfortable with me than he should move out, but what if its his dad home?

His dad gave him the house to live in and i obliged to move out?
I dont know if i have any rights to stay at a house that isnt even mine after all these years.

This is the question, if i move back to my parents.. it is closer to friends and work OR should i stay in the house and GAl and hopefully he sees that i have changed. He thinks that me staying is just being desperate and holding onto nothing.

This is the 2nd separation now..i know DBing works but now its round 2, am i too expect it to work again for our marriage?

[~¤DG¤~]

I don't think it is too late personally.

I didn't realize that it was his father's house, I can understand the moving part now.

There are a couple of options here. You could stay in the home, avoid him like the plague and work on yourself and hope he doesn't get more irritated or you could move back in with your parents.
I am sure as a grown woman the last thing you want to do is move back with them but it doesn't have to be permanent.

Also, I am concerned with you trying so hard to convince him that you have changed. While I don't know the dynamics of your M, I do know that issues in a marriage are never just one person's fault.
So acknowledge your part in this, but don't blame yourself entirely. It takes 2 to tango.

Perhaps if you do leave, it might give him a chance to miss you?

My H & I have been apart for almost 3 months and I miss him like crazy.

[lovehurts2]

just an update.

Sunday night was civil...he actually made to make a effort to say more than one word to me. No R talk at all.

I thought on monday night i would go out with my best friend for dinner and decided that i'd stay at my parents house, to give him space.

So now that i have arrived home Tue night, again everything was civil, we start talking...and then all of a sudden he starts speaking about R. He keeps mentioning "dont u think its weird your still here?" "When you moving out? you hate the travel to work"

I said to him, yes i hated the travel time to work but i wanted to leave when i was ready. I said to him, if he is feeling that uncomfortable why doesn't he temporary stay at his dad's house down the road. This obviously went into a argument. He kept saying "why should i go , u should go?" and i repeated "if your the one feeling uncomfortable than only u can fix that" He said "i did, i move into the spare room, im not moving out of this house" i mentioned that every time we had a fight over the 8 years, it was always me that had to leave, had to pick up my stuff at the click of the fingers. I just had enough of him pushing me around.

He has agreed to come to counseling but basically to say "yep, i tried everything" not to actually want to hear the therapist out. He also mentioned to me that he will never tell the therapist about his insecurities, that he is there to state why he doesn't want the relationship, and to tell the therapist he wants me out so she can convince me to go (i know she would not do this, as it wouldn't be professional)


I cannot say how C will go, and if he will open up but H is stubborn and he will never go to another C session after this.

I'm at this point, where i look at my H and i think to myself..

Do i want to be with this person for the rest of my life, who doesn't want to move forward or grow in the relationship?

For the last 8 years with every argument, i was always the one fighting for this relationship, having to explain why it was worth being together and it saddens me as i as myself..

Isn't my love worthy to be fought for?

[lovehurts2]

i should also mentioned...

He said " you should sell the ring, it should be enough for you to get a car"

If that wasn't brutal i don't know what is

[lovehurts2]

Sorry that you are here I am going thur the same thing right now. I am in the same house and it is very hard some times because I dont even want to look at him. I will be here for a long time in order to save money up to move out. I just live one day at a time and try as hard as I can not to let him see how unhappy I am.

Dcz, Same with me, if I feel like I'm going to cry then I wait till he's gone to sleep or I go inside another room before I burst out.

I feel like if I stay here longer in the same house my heart will just keep on breaking. I know the longer I stay here there might be a good chance we will be arguing constantly. H has a temper and very short fuse.

Today we have our C session and truth be told, I'm scared of what will happen. It could go either way. Part of me is glad he is going and part of me isn't. He is going for all the wrong reasons.