I sometimes think this is all a nightmare and I will wake up, and that the dream I had about my husband and I together would never end. It's confusing in the morning to put the pieces together in my mind--the pieces of my marriage that I didn't know was in pieces until April 9th when my husband of 22 years (25 yrs together) dropped the bomb.
We have had a history of me being "nitpicking", critical, harsh/sharp in my tone of voice esp when I experience him as not being "present", not listening to me, or being peripheral to what's going on in our lives (i.e., kids dr. appts, my schedule etc). We also have a history of me being disinterested in sex. As he now describes our relationship, "I was brutal to live with", what their was of our sex life was disatisfying for him, but my "lack of compassion" for his feelings of rejection was the worst part. I'm anxious to the point of being impossible to be around--wound as tight as a clock, he'd say. When our son was born in 1995, my husband says that he resents that he had to spend more time helping me than our baby. (in hindsight, I can see that I was likely deeply depressed)
I get it. I get that I was less than the ideal wife. Historically (and looking at old letters and cards confirms this), I was the emotional pursuer in the relationship; and in our family, i do the emotional and relationship "work" as well, i.e., "I think our son is feeling frustrated at school, I think we need to talk to the guidance counsellor;" "I'm worried about [our daughter]--she seems so unhappy, lots of tears, it's time to look for a therapist for her." I do all the birthday planning and Xmas shopping for the kids. (He executes very well.) He has a history of NOT dealing with things openly--not seeking help, not reaching out. A few times during our marriage, in frustration about our sex life he would express himself with anger that we weren't "doing it" more, and that I was selfish in that domain. Those outbursts did nothing for my libido. I had no idea it would be a 'deal breaker'.
I knew that my words and tone of voice were hurtful. Try as I might, I couldn't seem to stop myself from "barking" at him when he wasn't 'hearing" me. And when he and the kids made fun of me for snapping at them, I felt even more angry. I resented the time he spent at the office, on long hikes alone with the dog, doing housework with his headphones on. He was "checked out." I was seething and it showed.
On April 9th I thought to "break the ice"--things had been more tense for a while (esp since our daughter, a first yr college student) had left to go back after Xmas break. My husband had been more withdrawn than usual, he rejected my attempts to kiss him, and for the first time, refused my initiation of sex. Conversations had become curt and strained--at breakfast I tried to "have a talk" and apologize for my angry way of being lately, and i said "I love you." (occasionally, we'll have these "talks" and will both vow to "do better", "try harder"). That's when he said I love you too, but not in the way a husband should love a wife."
Boom! Life crumbling.
I said, "We can go see somebody--people can help us work on our marriage." He said, "You don't understand--there's nothing here to fix. I don't love you and haven't for 'some time.'"
I went straight away that week to a therapist for me, so I wouldn't go crazy. I was already on the way. Shock, denial, he'll come to his senses.
We agreed to "keep it together" emotionally for our son's sake--he's 16 and a sophmore in h.s. (my husband said that he was trying to 'hold out' till our son graduated h.s. but could no longer . . . my thoughts are 'super--so then I'd be left with absolutely nothing').
I gave up my career for him 18 years ago--we are both academics, both Ph.Ds, however I've been working part time with every move we've made for him/us/our family. I will have no income, I will have no health insurance, I will have nothing after 25 yrs of being with this man who I've not consistently shown love to in the way that one should in an ideal relationship. I did not see this coming--we have lived with a degree of general malaise in our relationship for quite some time. I always thought we'd somehow "snap out of it", or we'd reach a crisis and finally seek help. I had no idea that this man, who I've known forever as being loving, kind, and fair would on his own, during long walks in the woods (and conversations with a female former student, turned confidant) come to a decision that would destroy our family.
He did agree to see a couples counsellor, under the premise, that the counsellor would help us figure out a way to talk to our children. My husband has no interest in excavating anything meaningful during these sessions, and is there to "support me" (i.e. placate me). It's fruitless and there seems to be no sense in going back.
it's been a month now, and my husband still lives in our house, not wanting our son to know what's going on, though he's been sleeping in our daughter's room for quite some time. She comes home from college on Monday. I'm curious where he will go. To my knowledge, he's not talked to an attorney. I've been holding out hope that he will realize that this is s big mistake: in one week, a good friend of ours in another state died and left a grieving wife and 2 kids; my best friend who is also going through a separation/divorce tried to kill herself and spent a week in a psych hospital. Though it was hard to move through those 2 incidents, I thought that my husband would "get" the importance of family and sticking things out and working on them. I've never known him to be a quitter. I'm confused, crushed, broken open, lost.
I've read through so many of these threads here, ordered Michelle's books, feel somewhat hopeful one moment and then yesterday and today, feel at the end of my rope. Powerless, out of control, lonely, lost and scared.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I know it will be hard, but the most important thing for you to keep in mind is patience. I took a long time for the two of you to get to this point, it won't be solved overnight.
As hard as your friends' incidents must be, your H is probably mentally checked out, so they won't really register for them like you might think. The good news in all of this is that he is still there. That gives you the opportunity to help yourself, which he will be able to see and maybe react to.
Keep reading, writing here and most of all, remain positive, even if you have to fake it. We're all here for you!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
hello new. so much of your situation sounds like mine.....i was here last year and i believed it helped save my marriage..........for a time sadly i am here once again this year with not much luck
i will tell you to not pursue him or plead or cry, or any of those things,,,,,they only push your spouse further away
read through some of the other posts, it really helps take one day at a time and try to take care of yourself
First, I must say that was a very well written summary! It makes it so much easier to read…
It still stings me reading these, I know the feeling EXACTLY.
You said you have already been reading the forums and ordered the book, that’s a great start.
Keep posting and reading. The more you post the more responses you will begin to get and the quicker you will get off of moderation.
You might not think so, but you are in a better spot than most, your H is still home so he will see all of the wonderful changes you are about to make!!!
STOP ANY AND ALL PURSUING!
Give your H time and space while you dig deep into yourself. Start thinking about the 180’s you want to make, and then start acting on them.
Get yourself healthy and happy (yes, it’s possible), you’ll need the strength.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
