Lost

[gypsyriver]

I know I need to not show my sadness, but when I do H reaches out to me, which feels good.

Really trying to get a handle on how I SHOULD be acting.

[gypsyriver]

Is there a general point in which things start feeling more real and less like a nightmare? I feel like, in many ways, I'm still waiting to wake up.

Any advice or comments at all will be deeply appreciated.

[gypsyriver]

It's taking a reaaaally long time for my posts to get through moderation.

I think I did a good job 180'ing tonight. At least a better job. I only brought up a couple things that were to do with the affair. He still says he's not exactly sure when it started, so I asked him "before or after x event" for a couple things and determined that my instincts were right and it only began around April 1.

Other than that I backed off. I didn't answer his text messages. I didn't touch unless he touched. I didn't say I love you (haven't said that in days). I enjoyed my time with him.

I can really tell he blames me for the affair. He doesn't have any shame about it at all, or remorse. He is still doing crappy things like saying he'll try to get off early so I can have the car and then not letting me know if he did or not... and then not apologizing. But I am letting it all roll off me. Yes, it's sad that someone who is supposed to love you can hurt you so badly and then not only not care - but blame you... but, he is not himself right now.

I'm pretty sure he's told her I was emotionally abusive to him. Which, true, sometimes when I was on that medication causing depression, I said really mean things during 3 or 4 big fights - that happened just before the affair began. So I suspect he leaned on OW during those fights and she feels she is saving him from me.

I went back through our old text messages tonight. I know he is rewriting history in his mind. There is just so much love there.

I really feel it's a matter of waiting out this thing with the OW. And, of course, working on myself in the meantime.

I am doing things that I feel indignant about and then not. I mean, he still is the main financial support, and I want to show him that if he comes back, things will be different, but it really does feel awful to cook him lunch that I know he is going to take and eat with her instead of coming home to lunch with me.

But then I am also doing things that are good for me. Or trying to.