Hi, I have been trying to be strong and patient for 4 months now. I've read a few books, went to counseling and browsed many forums who just told me to forget her and move on, until coming across this site. I have just ordered DR from amazon as my local bookstores did not have any in stock. Here is my story and any and all advice is appreciated.
I have been with my W for 7 years, we were never officially married as she was never for marriage, not to me or anyone in her life as she put it. On Jan 4 she said she wasn't happy right now, I asked what could be done and why she wasn't happy and she didn't know. I knew work was a huge stress on her and her mother always criticized her for everything and figured this was a huge part of it. I tried to do things with her to get her out of the slump, date night, couples massage, but I dont think it did anything. 4 days later she told me she needed space and time and wanted a break and said she would go to her friends house for a few nights. As the house was hers I told her I would respect what she asked and I would move to a friends house, and I also took our dog, which was initially mine in the first place. When we purchased the house I was fresh out of finishing a graduate program at University and had a debt load and as such she didn't want the debt load on the house and bought it herself, the deal was I would pay a lessor amount, I would consider it rent, to her and I would focus on reducing my student debt and once done we would discuss refinancing. In addition, she asked me to sign a co-habitation agreement, pretty much a prenup, which I did cause I loved her and trusted her soo much, later I found out her cousin pushed hard for her to have me sign this as she was taken advantage of by her past relationships. In addition, her brother also rented a room from her, so we were never truly alone in the house. My parents also moved away 3 years ago and asked to store some of their items in an unfinished room for a while. This while led to 3 years and my W wanted the stuff gone on multiple occasions. I would try to start moving the stuff by selling it (after speaking to my parents who had no real intentions to come back for it anytime soon) but selling it was a catch 22 as the W would get mad as she promised my mother to keep it. When I moved to my friends house she said if I wanted to relieve a lot of stress to deal with the room. So I did, the first of the week I rented a storage until and moved everything out.
I stayed at a friends house for 3 weeks, we talked back and forth but conversations always dwelled on the R which I now know was a huge no-no. We agreed to make dinner together and watch a movie, I brought over flowers, made something entirely new that was pretty good for dinner and cuddled on the couch. After the movie was over she dropped the bomb that she wanted to break up. I was devastated, I took the dog and stayed at another friends house who recently renovated and had lots of space. During this time I was a wreck emotionally. I tried to go NC for a while but I honestly dont remember how long that lasted. I probably made another huge mistake by writing her a poem and getting her flowers for V-day, which she even confessed was a lot of pressure on her and pushed her away further. I moved into my own apt. in March, where I moved ALL of my stuff out of the house and left her my set of keys. The only things we have left now are a new vehicle we bought together by extending her mortgage, the washer/dryer we bought together and a snow thrower. We have talked a few times but again a huge mistake made on talking about the R and where we were going and what went wrong, often ended in tears on both sides. She says that she doesn't know where she see's the future and cant make a decision if she thinks we can work on things or that it's 100% over. She says she didn't feel I was responsible and she wasn't respected in the R, mainly due to my inaction on my parents stuff and other issues I find minor which she thinks is huge. For example, I would get off work on time and get home to make dinner, she would either be late (1 hr) and dinner would be cold or she would get home and start eating junk food while I was cooking. I would get upset as I had a hot meal ready which was now cold when she was late, or she would fill herself on junk food and not eat a proper meal. I told her that a simple call to let me know she was late would solve some of the issues as I would wait longer to start supper, but she said she never called me as she was afraid i'd yell or get angry. She also said she felt she had to compete for my attention with video games and I needed to grow up. I did play a lot, and I realize this was mainly due to boredom as my W liked to watch lots of reality tv which didn't suite me so I played games instead.
As I was no longer contributing to the bills, and her brother moved out to live with his gf, she decided to get a roommate. Another of our friends also went through a break up and sold their house and the h of that R moved into the basement of her house. I was not happy but realized I could not change anything and she assured me there is no attraction and it is only for financial reasons. He is still there today and she says they live separate lives and barely cross paths in the house.
In April, my dog got really sick and was diagnosed with a muscular/nerve disorder. I haven’t spoken to my W in a while (2-3 weeks) but out of respect I thought she should know and called her to inform her. She wanted to see the dog so I invited her over to my apt for the first time. We spent the day caring for the dog, playing cards and just chatting. Thankfully we were able to get medication to treat the condition and the dog is well again. This unfortunate event kind of brought us together momentarily. I told her that I have seen the faults in the R and I wanted to come back together as a equal. Getting OUR own home, splitting responsibilities and communicating with her fully, I told her I didn't want to move back into the house she has now as it had bad memories, and wanted to start a life with her as a real couple and not in a roommate kind of set up. She was responsive to this, even asked if i'd move back in for a few months while we found a place to buy together. She did some renovations to the room my parents stuff was in, and wanted me to come over to see it, but its the room mates room and I told her I didn't think I wanted to at this time. In the end she said right now she wants to be alone to sort things out and work on herself so she can be happy and right now she needs me as a friend and doesn't know where this will go. I love this woman more than anything and i'm afraid to fall into the just friends category, but I told her if that’s what she needed then that’s what I will do.
I'm not very patient, its been 4 months and everyday I think of her and long to be back together. I try to get out so the loneliness doesn't set in, but my mind always drifts to her. She knows this, knows how I feel, but she is unsure on what she wants and doesn't know if we will be together again or not. Since then we have talked occasionally, and I try not to focus on the R. It's as if she can go either way right now.
Things went sour for me again when I had an extra ticket to a hockey game and I put out an open invitation and the ex to the guy she has living with her said she would go. We were friends in the past so I agreed. At the hockey game she asked me how I was, I told her I wasn't very happy and she said she understood but this was for the best. She said she hung out with my ex and got the impression she was much happier alone now and that she doesn't see us together so I should just move on. She said my W doesn't love me anymore and that should be a tell tale sign to move on with life. Of course I felt horrible in hearing this. I probably made another huge mistake as the next time my W called to talk I brought this up. She said she never said anything like that and how could this person know how she felt if she doesn't know how she feels right now herself. She said if it came down to it she would tell me herself.
I'm scared that I will loose her forever and don't know what else to do. It has been 4 months now that I have been away from her. I am trying to GAL by joining the gym and some sports teams and getting out with friends as much as possible. I try to resist contacting my W until she contacts me and I tell her I want this to work and will try my best and go at her pace. I wrote her an email telling her I was to move forward to give this a best shot and to not keep thinking of the past, to learn from it in our future R if she gives it a chance. It is hard to just be friends and if a R doesn't work then I don’t know if I can be just a friend. She definitely knows how I feel and I don't need to remind her anymore. All the power is in her hands and I don't know what to do to give us the best possible chance to reconcile.
I hope the DR book arrives soon so I can start reading. In the meantime I try and keep convo with her lively and positive. Once in a while I suggest getting together to go for a walk to start to show her I am changed for the best, that I have grown up and am responsible and not just telling her words she wants to hear, but no luck so far in a walk. Am I still doing things wrong? I want this to work 110%, if I didn't believe we could work this out I would move on, but my heart knows what it wants and i'm trying to stay strong. I have my good days and my bad and am trying to go 1 day at a time.
Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. What should I do to get this to work or give it the best possible chance? Should I stop asking her out and wait for her to ask me? I honestly feel I have changed for the better and have opened my eyes to the situation, how do I get her to see the changes are real and not just words to win her back?
First of all, welcome to the board. You will find a lot of awesome people here who are in similar situations who can offer you support and great advice.
I know this is hard, and your hurting, but you need to stop pursuing her. I know, it sounds impossible, but you have to for your own sanity. Your W knows how you feel, knows you want your R to work, you don't have to remind her of it because it just pushes her away.
As for this "friend" who is telling you to move on, take the advice with a grain of salt. I'm sure she was just trying to help but when it comes down to it it's your R and your life and only you know what is best for you.
As hard as it is, take this time to work on you. You can only control your actions and happiness so work on becoming a better person for you.
Hang in there and keep posting, and don't be alarmed if they don't show up right away. The board is moderated for new posters but that shouldn't last too long.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thanks for the quick advice DelinquentGurl. It's just hard to do nothing in regards to working on us. I feel that i will just become a memory to her and if we dont hang out then she wont see the possibilities and positive growth that i feel i have undergone. I will take a back seat now and see where she drives this R and hopefully she will reach out for me.
I cant wait for the DR book to arrive so i can better understand what we are going through and what can be done. I've read other posts that have inspired me and some that were crushing and i could sympathize with.
I will keep updates on what transpires in the following days/weeks/months and gain support and advice from both side who have been there. Once i know what works or what to do, and better off not do, then i can make sure i am giving every opportunity for our R. I just want that chance, and i know i we wont need another.
Veltis, so sorry to hear about your situation, but know that you are not alone. Keep reading and posting here and you'll get tons of great advice from the rest of us.
It really helps to look at other's posts to see what NOT to do. A lot of us have heard the exact same things from our wives that you have, me included. Don't make the same mistakes so many of us have.
If I can offer any advice at all at this point, it's to BE PATIENT. I didn't follow that advice myself when so many people here gave it to me, and I'm paying the price now. If she want space and time to figure things out, listen to her man.
Stay positive Veltis, you're not alone.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
Thanks Moose, i reviewed a lot more post today including yours and see a lot of similarities and can relate to the feelings and the hurt. I've spent a fair amount of time trying to grasp what has worked for some and what hasn't, there should almost be a post on do's and dont's.
My last contact with W was 2 days ago where she sent me a friendly text at the hockey game we were both at saying she'd buy me and my buddy a beer when she won the 50/50. Since then nothing, Patience, no matter how hard and how many thoughts go through my head i will not contact her, that is my goal for now, try and go dark for a while. I will let her initiate the contact and go from there, but do i respond openly to her contact (if it comes) or keep it short and to the point?
I got my order confirmation for DR today and they shipped it this afternoon, perhaps by the weekend i'll be able to take advantage of the advice and guidance most of the posters on this form have.
I see a light at the end of the tunnel where W is still 50/50 on the fence on whether we will work or not, even after all my pressure and previous pursuits. Until W tells me there is no love and its over, then there is hope.
I watched the video on WAW, made me tear up a little and it made perfect sense and i felt a HUGE connection. I almost wish the W would see it. I'm not sure if asking her to watch it would be too much pressure and push her away? Any advice on this issue, should I or shouldn't I mention this now or in the future? I just feel like if she realized this is for real, and she got through, then our R would be back and stronger than ever.
For now, its one day at a time, resist initiating contact, and patience... thanks for reading my ramble.
No, do not mention that to her now. No R talk at all, she will see that as pursuing and will pull back even more, and that is not what you want.
What I did when I was brand new here and I had to wait for my posts to show up I would read the "Advice from wise DB's" board and their advice helped a TON. I still go over there and read from time to time.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
First contact from W since sunday.. it was through FB which i left open while getting ready for bed and she sent a message. I havent received the DR books yet but based off of advice from the post i read i tried to remain positive, up beat and as friendly as possible. Here's how it played out:
W: hi, I was going to call you tonight but it ust wasn't a good night for me Had a rough night sorry
Me: That's ok, i had company.. everything ok now?
W: just a bit of stress is getting to me
Me: sorry to hear that... anything in particular?
W: money just need to do a bit of recalculating I want to cncel some stuff
Me: i understand what you mean.. did the drop in the mortgage payments take effect yet? When they do that should help
W: I just dropped it alittle bit...but we will see the difference
Me: good.. that should help you a lot
W: let's hope so
Me: I've had a few busy days and am going to hit the hay. Try to have a good sleep, that should help.. Hoping Matt pulls through tomorrow in survivor.. good night
W: Me too, goodnight
That was the end and i logged off. I tried to be supportive, to somewhat validate and to end the convo first, kind of detach. What i copied was word for word from the chat we had.
This was the first time i was kind of brief and ended the convo first.. i guess my first 180 as i would normally try and keep the convo going and be there for her.
Was what i did and say the right approach at this time, is there anything i could have done better, like try to get her to talk more? I hope she doesn't think i don't care by ending the conversation short. I'm a little worried as this is a new approach.
Veltis, it really does seem counterintuitive at first, but it's the way to go. I think you did just fine with that convo.
If you've read my threads, you probably know how bad I was at pursuing my W again and again when we were talking. If I could've muzzled myself two months ago, I think my sitch would be very different right now. So that would be my second piece of advice after being patient: don't bring up the R talk!
By the way, have you thought about getting a phone session with a DB coach? Laurie has definitely helped keep me focused on what I really need to do.
BITS M: 35 W: 27 T 7.5 years M 5 years No kids My EA: 3/08 Her EA: 1/11, discovered 3/11 (ongoing?) ILYBINILY, D mentioned 3/8/11 W at parents house: 4/16/11
