i'm sure most WAW are happy and confident in their decisions but i sit here a mess and scared.
i don't want my M to end but i can no longer take the abuse anymore.
i hate my H for everything he has put me threw but i hate him most for marrying me only for us to divorce 6 months later the embarassment, shame, hurt and anger i feel is unbelieveable right now
i blame him for the situation we are in right now he should never have married me if he could not committ when he had an OW it was always going to end like this, and now i just feel stupid and a fool
i just feel a mess right now i dont want this to end but i know it has too, help
I'd be surprised if most WAS were happy and confident. I'm not. I am determined though.
I've been down this road before with my H, except last time he wanted the D. I was embarrassed and ashamed and hurt. I don't know how I got over the embarrassment. I guess it just took time and acceptance that I was going to be divorced. I realized no one would think I'd somehow intentionally wasted there time and energy celebrating a relationship that didn't last. As for anyone who might snicker behind my back or grouse for whatever reason, that would make them mean, not me.
H never cheated on me, but I remember the humiliation of being cheated on by a boyfriend. Oh, I was furious. In my case, no one but my boyfriend and the girl he cheated with knew about it, but the idea that this OW knew was still sickening. There isn't a cure for that, but time.
When I dropped the D bomb on H last week, I was really sad. I wanted so badly for my H to come back and be the knight in shining armor that he used to be and tell me everything would be okay. And that would be a pipe dream... in my case H tells me everything will be okay on a regular basis and then turns right around and behaves badly again.
You obviously don't accept an open marriage and in that case can't accept OW in his life. (Surprisingly, some people can.) That being the case, it's okay to walk away with your head held high. Just work on yourself, be the best person you can be, and don't worry about what he's doing. He needs to take care of his own problems.
its 2am and here i am again after another arguement or me 'attackin' H as soon as he comes in according to him.
i really feel i cannot do this anymore, i dont want to give up but we are going nowhere.
i hate who i have become with H i'm so full of anger and i'm finding it hard to put on a front to the worl when i'm angry and hurt. I feel like telling everyone the truth of our situation but still can't as i know it will not get either of us anywhere but into a further bad place.
I’m such a mess right i feel i cant right for doing wrong
Last night i ended up verbally attcking H again as he puts it as soon as he gets in. I was trying to explain to him how i still feel uncomfortable with his actions as they still mirror his actions when he was contacting OW. Last night when H got in he came into the bedroom (i was half asleep) and took the laptop to the bathroom with him. I waited 10mins then after getting myself annoyed (i know, i know bad d3) i got up and asked what he was doing to which he replied what am i doing up.
This enraged into an arguement or more me vebally attacking H with my explanations and examples. H then went downstairs to sleep on sofa and i followed him and contuinued my ‘explanations/attacking’ until he pushed me out of the living room (again bad d3 very bad).
I went upstairs to bed and cried all night out of frustartion and anger and did not sleep at all. I sent H a text saying ‘sorry for tonight ddidnt mean to go off the way i did. I can see now that i’m ur biggest problem so i’m letting u go, u say this won’t sort ur problems but i am the problem’
So this morning whilst i’m still in bed too tired to get up and dressed for work Daughter jumps into my bed and we lay and watch cartoons.
H gets ready for work in bathroom (heard him getting ready) then he starts vacuming the hallway and stairs and tidy up the shoes and coats. This is strange for him as he never does this let alone so early in the morning.
As i get Daughter dressed he asks if i am dropping her off at nursery i say yes and ask why were u going to take her (thinking that he is being thoughtful) he replies no look at the time i couldnt take her in now or i’d be late but it doesnt look like ur taking her in, i ask what makes him think that and he replies because i’m still in bed whilst he is doing houeswork, i leave it at that. (just for the record this convo took place @ 8am i have until 10:30am to get into work, i now realise he might have presumed i would leave to go to work and drop off daughter the same time he leaves which is at 8:10am)
H leaves @ 8:10am after giving daughter cuddles and slams the front door, on his way into work and whilst i am getting dressed H texts ‘what the hell is wrong with u last night. Ur going on mad. Now ur saying i’m out with women when i finish work. I can see that u dont believe anything i say anymore. I’m trying but i’m not perfect. Look how ur going on. No way i’m going through last night again. No point living like this. I will just go’
Somtime later on my way into work i text back ‘i understand. Thank you for vacuming stairs and making my sandwich. Try and have a good day’
H texts ‘i don’t think u understand i’m not joking. Life has too much problems. I know i fckd up again, and ur still looking for answers but thats not the way to do it’
I reply ‘ur right i do need answers and this isnt the way to go about it. I also need security knowing where i stand u say ur trying but then say what r u trying for when were going no where for me this is confusing as i dont know where i stand are u trying to fix this M or are u trying to not fix it u just say trying but trying for what is what i am confused about. I understand and believe u when u say that u are not joking, i have never seen this situation as a joke, and ur not the nly one who fcks up again i’m not perfect either take last night as an example’
I hope i was validating his opinons i find it hard to that as i have never validated before so not really sure what i am doing and being in my confused and hazed state does not help either.
I really dont know which way to turn. I feel like giving up theres no hope, when i drop the rope H feels that i dont care and have abandoned him but when i do things for him it feels to me that he doesnt care as he is getting what he wants.
Right now i don’t want H to leave but i don’t want him to stay either i really believe that we need some time apart but H tells me that if he leaves he will never come back and i think i have that over my head.
I feel like going away for a few days if only i could afford to go. I have talked to my doctor and i have a counselling session booked for Thursday (we were ment to be going on a date on Thursday but with this current sitch i dont see that happening so booked counselling instaed so that i will be out of the house)
I have ordered self help books such as After the Affair, She needs Love He needs Respect and a body building book to try and motivate myself back to the gym. I’ve made plans to go drinking with my sister for Saturday don’t even know if H will still be home then.
This is all such a mess i feel the need to SCREAM!!!!! Again, help
"I feel like giving up theres no hope, when i drop the rope H feels that i dont care and have abandoned him but when i do things for him it feels to me that he doesnt care as he is getting what he wants." This sounds very familiar. The thing about dropping the rope is that you have to really drop it. If you say you are letting go and you are emotionally hanging onto responsibility for his feelings then you haven’t let go. You should really examine why you are letting go and what the consequences are and whether you can live with those consequences. I know I’ve hurt my H’s feelings by walking away. It’s sad that it had to come to that. I worry that he’s going to go even further into isolation than he is now or maybe even do something drastic. In my case, I’m only helping make it possible for him to feel bad about himself and isolate himself further by staying; and he’s dragging me into the mire with him. Though I hope he’ll take the wakeup call and sort things out for himself, I’m not hopeful and I’m absolutely not responsible to how he reacts to my leaving the situation no matter how badly he takes it. I can only hope the best for him and steel myself for the worst. I also know how it feels to put energy and love into the R only to receive nothing in return. It’s very confusing and hurtful. I suppose it could be neglect, but it could be something as awful as manipulation. When I was reading through your report of the convos and texts, I was having a hard time keeping up. I don’t know exactly what words or tone you used in your convo with him, but it seemed like your intentions were right. I also noticed that you did a lot of mental gymnastics to understand his point of view and apologized for your own behavior. Of course, we’re not in his head here, but his words were attacking and hostile even as it was obvious you were apologizing and trying to tone down the level of the confrontation. JMHO, but you may want to cease R talk and avoid confrontations for the time being. That second may be difficult with your H, because from the outside looking in it seems like he’s spoiling for a fight and trying to set up scenarios where you are wrong and he is righteous. I strongly recommend you read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond” by Patricia Evans. It may well give you a reality check on what’s really going on in these convos with your H.
