Today is a hard day!!!

[Confused423]

Today was a hard day...

I try to check in with my little girl every week or two to see how she is feeling as she doesn't talk about her feelings. It's getting worse for her. What do you say to a child who says that nothing will be any better unless her Daddy comes home or dies??? I was like "you don't want your Daddy to die!" She said "no, but at least then he would not have a choice in not being here." My heart is breaking for her and there is NOTHING that I can do about it. It makes me what to strangle my H. How can he walk away from this precious child when he KNOWS that she is hurting?!?!? I have decided that I will not tell him about that statement as I do not want to hurt him that way. He really loves her so much and that would devastate him.

I just want to wrap her in my arms and let her know that everything is OK. I almost think it's time that my H tell her about the OW so that at least she could understand why he won't or can't come home right now. I don't know what to do...I'm struggling with this one.

Anyone have any advice??

[NEmoose43]

Oh man...I'm floored by that. Confused, I am so sorry you had to hear that from her. Only a child can be that honest about what she's feeling...just wish our WAS's could take lessons from her.

I agree with not telling H...especially because you really don't know how he's going to take it. Playing devil's advocate here for sure, but it might get read as manipulating if you catch him in the wrong mood.

Not sure what to say about getting him to talk to her...no kids in my sitch so I can't really speak to it. Maybe if you talked to him about how D was doing and you tell him you just get the feeling that she's not doing well with everything? Just see how he reacts to it?

Tough call, I'm sure someone with kids will have better advice here.

[Confused423]

Moose,

I had them talk not too long ago and she finally admitted to him that she was very angry with him for leaving and that she couldn't understand why he didn't just come back home. However, this has gone alittle farther than even I could have imagined. I never thought that she would take it this hard. She says that she doesn't want to be with him at all. I've tried talking to her and she says that she knows that he loves her and that he is not staying gone because of her, but that changes nothing.

It's soooo frustrating and heartbreaking to know that I can't protect her heart in this and neither can he unless he's willing to come back home to her. UGH!!!

[~¤DG¤~]

This just breaks my heart. I feel really bad for your daughter.

Naybe you could get her in some sort of counseling?

[Confused423]

DG,

I've thought about it, but she will only talk to me about things that she is feeling. I don't want to push counseling on her as she HATES to talk about her feelings and will only do it with me when I make her talk to me. She is a very scared and confused little girl right now. She tells me that she is sad inside all of the time. It hurts to see because she is usually a VERY happy child and about a month into this she became very quiet, sullen, and temperamental. I just want my happy child back...I'm so worried about her.

My H feels alot of guilt and he gets angry when she acts out. She almost has panic attacks if I start to leave her with him and she knows that I will not be there when she goes to bed. It's awful!!

[Timetotry]

Confused,

Having 4 kids, one of my D is hit hard too. Doesn't want any part of her dad. She is finally wanting to goto counseling. It breaks your heart to see them go through this too. If possible, get her to goto counseling too. It may help explain on her level what is going on.

Best of luck.

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[islander]

I don't think I would tell him what she said either. It would only hurt him, and possibly be seen as an attempt to make him feel guilty, which I think would be the only reason you would tell him.

My SD is also 9. She is a very happy, innocent child. Believes in Santa Claus and the Elf on the Shelf (if you know what that is). She went to school and actually told her friends they were wrong, it is a real elf. I mean she is very innocent and good.

Now, she is acting out. She is good sprinkled with a lot of outbursts, and hatred is starting to come out when she talks. It kills me to think what is going to happen to her in 3 or 4 years if her mother continues on this path.

As far as telling her about the OW, IDK. I wanted to tell her about My Ws A, and she freaked out, saying she did not want the kids to hate her, that we should say it was mutual. I told her I was not lying to them, that I would not tell them this is what I wanted. In the end, I did not say anything, my MIL told my SD (her grandaughter) the truth. I don't even know if my W knows her D knows.

I think the right thing to do is just be there for your D and make sure she knows that YOU love her and are not going anywhere. Let her have confidence in you. Maybe tell her that her Dad loves her, but things are just different right now.

IDK really, but I think that is good advice.

[ninelives]

Wow, its hard to fathom that your daughter would say she would rather see him dead. That type of thinking seems older.

Reassure your daughter about your H because it is essential that you put your daughter's needs first. Despite what he has done, that bond between them is essential.

I didnt always feel this way but in the last few months, i see that it is true. The children need to feel safe and secure as possible and let the adults suffer the consequences.

Be united in front of her, not to give her false hope but that no matter what, you will both be there for her.

9

[25yearsmlc]

do NOT tell her about OW...OMG don't you dare.

Re=read the DB books if you are thinking I'm making this up...it's such a bad idea. Usually is a tactic or punitive act, not coming from a place of love even if it's disguised as some maternal act. It's not. Don't kid yourself. You need to reassure her as much as possible And support her and h getting together as much as possible. Maybe he can take her to lunch or dinner each week, just the two of them? The closer he feels to her, the better for all. Do you understand that?

yes their relationship will suffer. That's not your respoinsbility but supporting his and her efforts IS....

my h and d22 are repairing their r to this day. And it IS much better than when he left. He didn't want to believe it was damaged a lot even though he was a child of div. He's worked hard to repair the R's with all the kids. I'm happy and proud of him for that and hopeful.

But I won't waste time worrying about what I cannot change when life is short, and I have so much I know I need to work on that I CAN change...

I think you are projecting a lot of your pain onto your son. Please don't do that. Instead, do the detaching and GAL stuff.

See, there are two paths here, when you detach and GAL. Either your h comes back or he does not. If he does come back, great. Your m will be different and better b/c of the work you've done. You will be MORE likely to succeed in your m.

If your h does NOT return, you will have GAL and detached and moved forward and HEALED faster than otherwise...

It's not easy but it IS simple, b/c ya know, it's just not that complicated.

Detach, GAL and research in detail what that will mean for YOU. Envision your life in 1/3/6 years, with or without h, and envision yourself HAPPY in either case.

Flesh it out. Detail it. What would it look like? Start making it happen.

Let me add one other thing. You are modelling something very important for your D9. She is watching you. Someday, life will hurt her, or a friend will betray her, or life will give her a terrible setback. At that time, She will recall how you handled your setback/blow to your heart. Sooo

What will she see? She will remember what you are teaching and modelling for her now. Let her see what a woman of dignity and grace does when she faces a terrible blow. She will see that despite your pain, you get through it. You create happiness in your life again. Your pain is not eternal or fatal. You will survive and what's more, you'll thrive. Teach her THAT.

[Confused423]

25,

Thank you for stopping by my thread and giving some advice. I will address the things that you have said and hopefully you can get a better understanding of where I am.


Usually is a tactic or punitive act, not coming from a place of love even if it's disguised as some maternal act.

I really don't want to tell her about OW as I'm afraid that it would do irreparable damage to her relationship with her Daddy.


Maybe he can take her to lunch or dinner each week, just the two of them? The closer he feels to her, the better for all. Do you understand that?

I understand this VERY well. I try to get her to do things with him every weekend. Also, during the week, I try to get her to stay with him at his place instead of them hanging out here so that she can get accustomed to this, but it brings on panic attacks for her part and I am just conflicted on the best course of action.

yes their relationship will suffer. That's not your respoinsbility but supporting his and her efforts IS....

I definitely support their relationship with no problems. She was a Daddy's girl before all of this happened and I am desperately trying to find a way for her to be relaxed and carefree with him again.

I think you are projecting alot of your pain onto your son.

I am definitely NOT projecting my pain onto my daughter. I do everything that I can to encourage her to spend time with her Daddy. I assure her that her Daddy loves her and that hasn't changed just because he doesn't live here. I would NEVER use my child that way...it is not only wrong, but disgusting. She is my precious little girl. I do not want her in pain and I'm doing everything that I can to help her deal with this, but there comes a point when HE is going to have to do something because she needs him more than, I think, he can really realize.


Let me add one other thing. You are modelling something very important for your D9. She is watching you. Someday, life will hurt her, or a friend will betray her, or life will give her a terrible setback. At that time, She will recall how you handled your setback/blow to your heart. Sooo

I know that she is watching me. I try to keep everything up beat when we are together and we do alot of fun stuff. We have actually talked alot about how she would handle it if her friend was to hurt her. I asked her "what would you do if K hurt your feelings or made you mad?" She said "I would forgive her because she is my BF and I love her." I said "well...your Daddy is more important than that and he loves you very much." I do NOT talk negatively about my H because he is a wonderful Daddy and he loves her to death. I want her to understand that


What will she see?She will remember what you are teaching and modelling for her now. Let her see what a woman of dignity and grace does when she faces a terrible blow. She will see that despite your pain, you get through it. You create happiness in your life again. Your pain is not eternal or fatal. You will survive and what's more, you'll thrive. Teach her THAT.

I am teaching her THAT! She has never seen me cry, nor has she heard me. I don't cry anymore anyway, so that's definitely not a problem now. My H and I actually get along very well when we are together. We do not fight or argue and we always have a good time as a family. She is seeing that I am going on with my life and I do alot of things for fun. She does not see a hopeless, pathetic, whiny woman!!! That's one of the biggest reasons that she is so unhappy with her Daddy. If I'm happy and he left because I wasn't happy, then why can't he come back if I am???


I think that I addressed everything. We are both trying hard to be good parents, but our D is handling this alot worse than we ever thought possible. My heart is breaking for her...I would never try to cause her any more pain.