If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
And new stuff to update below...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
This all took place several weeks ago but I wanted to put it down here because it's for me and for anyone else who wants to see this journey I am on.
Any way here it goes:
I call to make sure she either filed extension or filed tax return. We are filing separate. Why? I am CPA and I don’t like anyone getting penalized just for not paying attention.
She said she extended and paid $100 toward tax. I said that will get applied to our liability.(from last year)
W:“I thought you paid that?”
TG:I haven’t yet.
She launches into a tirade.” It’s not Fair!”
TG: “A lot of things aren’t fair.” <<<<< She is forgetting about this more later
TG: I didn’t call you to hear this I called to do you a favor and make sure you extended.
More BS about what she has paid which none agrees to reality.
TG:You are not a victim of me. I am not the perpetrator here.
W:I never said I was the victim.
TG:Your words tell me otherwise.
Tell her I am not talking about this any longer. We hang up.
OK here’s where I f@ck up. Can you here the sound of a vacuum cleaner starting? Cause Grit is getting sucked in.
I text “Before you get upset with me further I want to remind you that I paid half of the taxes that got taken from your refund so I owe $X of what’s left and so do you. But I don’t really want to talk about splitting unless we are done. THAT is up to you. Your choice but I am not responsible for your choices. And I won’t defend myself against the consequences of your choices. That was our old M and that one is gone thank God. You want a new one then choose it."
W texted: “How am I supposed to respond? I really don’t want to get into this especially when you left. I was left with over $X 4 utilities plus other things and u took all of our things we owned together tvs, china, crystal and I still don’t have a tv and both were bought with monies from me. At least you could have returned one out of kindness. I will send you $X. Don’t make me out to be the bad person. I HAVE STRUGGLED AND SUFFERED AS WELL.”
TG text: “Coulda woulda shoulda. Past. I am not trying to make you the bad person only to take responsibility for your own choices and stop making excuses. U want to talk about this? Happy to. In counseling. Otherwise I have heard everything and so have you so let’s save our breath.”
She text’s she is not able to respond she is at dinner for work.
Que up theme from Star Wars. Grab some popcorn. Coffee. PEI I know this seems short. The rest of you bear with me....
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< BACK TO THE ACTION>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I send email:
W
The bills when I left? I wrote your mother a check for those. The TV? The small one was mine and I bought the big one when your parents were there for Thanksgiving with the money I earned. Which at the time I believed to be ours because I did not yet have knowledge of your infidelity to our marriage. Giving you back the TV out of Kindness? I was feeling a lot of emotions when I left but kindness wasn’t one of them.
So your expectation was you are having an affair so I give you a TV?
Not a victim of me huh? I left you right?
There is a reason you didn’t have a TV and china and other stuff I took and it wasn’t because I took them.
Think about that.
You HAVE struggled and suffered I know. The past and my part in it?
I have looked in the mirror and owned up to my actions and choices.
It doesn’t really matter right now that you see that. Have you looked at your part in the demise of our marriage?
Until you do we have no hope at all W.
Let me ask you something why did you invite [girlfriend] to live with us? (alcoholic friend of W’s) Because you love her? Because you cared about her? Because she was in crisis and you wanted to help her?
Why is [girlfriend] not still living with you? Would you accept her back into your life again? Under what conditions? What would she have to show you for you to do that? Would you let her back in your life while she still believed you stole from her?
I take my marriage vows very seriously. I know what they mean for me.
I do not consider leaving you a breach of those vows. I left for very good reasons. I left to protect myself against the consequences of some of the choices you were making that were harmful to yourself, me and our marriage. You can choose to look at it however you want. I will not, as I said, defend myself against the consequences of your choices.
I know why I am still standing here with my vows in my hand after a year and 5 months.
I am interested in talking about the past only in as much as it helps us with the future. I believe in our marriage.
I know we have to find a new way to talk to each other and a new way to live together but that cannot happen until you choose to look at your part and stop blaming me, and being a victim of me, or anybody else as an excuse not to work at our marriage. As an excuse not choose what you want for your life.
I am happy to seek counseling with you. There is a Retrouvaille retreat in X July 8 here is the link to it.
I will commit to this if you will.
End of email.
So you all have been witness to my journey these many months and this is flat out frustration and anger. I did not know how to process it at first.
This may even seem a bit out of character for me. It felt that way.
I was done validating. I passed that mile marker. This is reality and it was time for me to let her know my boundaries and the consequences of them.
I WANT TO STRESS TO THOSE NEW TO THIS READING THAT THIS COMMUNICATION IS AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF OF MY JOURNEY HERE.
I needed to say this. I needed to feel this.
Her response. She called a few days later to wish me a good trip as I was leaving for Vegas and that she didn't want me to think she was ignoring me.
Since then I have asked her if we can speak about the status of our M but she has made excuses as to why she can't: busy, and now she is sick apparently.
No direct response to the above questions or solutions I suggested.
What now?
I plan to ask her what her solutions might be if mine are not good ones.
I will consider what she has to say.
I will not remain in status quo. I want to live with my W. I want to share my life with someone. I am ready to move forward with my life and I cannot do that until I am done with this M.
At this point I CAN walk away without anger or regret.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Wow True. A year and a half and you're still in limbo? I'm sorry my friend. Thanks for everything you have done for me.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Wow True. A year and a half and you're still in limbo?
By my own choice Tad. Yours may be different. And should be.
And it is my choice to do that. And when to move forward.
A year and half is another man's month. Or another man's two years. Or three?
Limbo is the state I define as not being M to my W physically ( not in the same place) and not being in a healthy relationship with her,
or
NOT with someone else. Because that is a possibilty too.
The absence of that is limbo for me.
It has been a long while and I am ready to move forward
hopefully without causing her pain for her choices
I cannot save her from her (i believe) inevitable regret...
I can only save me from my own.
That was the risk I felt I faced as a man posting this here.
THAT some of you (and I am not singling you out Tad) would look at Truegritter and say "why should I listen to him?"
Truth is you don't have to. My sh!t is out there and always has been for anyone to read. I am going through this along with you, Just further down the road. IS this your fate?
Only you can decide that. That is the f@cking great thing about this!
Don't do what I say or do. LEARN. LEARN your own answer. When you find it you will know.
You'll be writing these words to someone else ( if you stick around)
And all the stuff I post(and it is all true as you can witness here) and then this....
Well my brothers this is a journey and each of us has our own paths and it is different yet the same.
Can each of you say you have W that is dealing with PTSD from childhood sexual abuse?
No?
BUT
There are certain truths I have learned that DO apply to every sitch.
You will see that through my pages.
I credit that to my experience here. And the people who took time to take an interest in me.
Why?
There is NO situation. NONE. That cannot benefit from this experience if you commit yourself to it.
I once read that to be a good therapist you had to love the patient.
Not LOVE in the sense of romantic love.
Love in the sense you care about the wellbeing of another so much you want share, to help.
"for no man is an island....the bell tolls for thee."(nickel thomas paine)
I believe in that.
And
I believe I can blow bubbles with kittens in them too. (nickel DQ commercial)
Please don't mistake my humor for insincerity.
I meant and i believe with ALL my heart...
Everything up to the word "blow" up there ^^^
Kindly and humbly submitted,
Truegritter
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I admire you Bro...you have hung on and stood. You deserve better my friend.
You could break out the stop watch and wait longer or you could move on. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, she will smell, feel, sense what she's losing. BUT ( I HATE BUT'S TOO) maybe she will FEEL your loss and repair it. If she doesn't.....HER loss...know what I'm sayin'?
I respect your time you have put in and support you whole heartedly friend.
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
