I started a new thread because some new things have happened...
I went out Saturday night with friends to a town that didn't have any cell service. When I looked at my phone I saw that I had missed some texts and calls from my XH at around 1am. It was weird because he never contacts me in the middle of the night. So, he calls me the next day and proceeds to tell me I was right all along about his OW. Apparently she wasn't a 30 yr old single woman with no family... she's actually 42, married for over 20 years, has 3 grown children and a grandson... and had even made up her name. He called me to tell me I was right and that it was totally over with her (I would hope so) and that he was broken hearted. I told him that I felt terrible for him and that it was a horrible thing to have happened, which I totally meant. He then told me that he loved me and would be willing to try again if I were to take care of my mental issues (I was diagnosed with situational depression a few years ago and he thinks it's back and that I display symptoms of adult ADHD which is probably true) and if I were to get a grip on my lack of housekeeping skills. It was his weekend with the kids, but he ended up bringing them home early so we could all hang out. He walked in and just came to me and asked for a hug and then started crying on my shoulder and clinging to me... he didn't really say much other than to elaborate on what had happened. We went out and he was quiet and lost in thought most of the time. I haven't talked to him much since then.
Um... what just happened here? I don't know what to think. On the one hand he told me he loved me and told me what I needed to do for him to come home. On the other hand... he's mourning the loss of this relationship and reeling from the fact that he fell for her lies and told everyone they were wrong when it was pointed out to him.
What the heck do I do now? My plan is to just keep on with my life and to wait and see what happens next. That doesn't really help the WTH feelings going on inside though. I feel so, so, so confused. Do I just let it go and chalk it up to him feeling bad about what happened? He said he's been telling me all along what I needed to do, but I've been ignoring him and it's made him feel like I was giving him a big "FU" and doing it to show him I didn't have to listen to him.
What next?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
They are actually things I've been doing on my own. My mental health has been something I've struggled with for a while, I was just able to put on a happy face for a long time. I'm pretty sure it's what affects my ability to keep an orderly house. To be honest, it's a mess... to the point where if someone wanted to come over I'd need a weeks notice to get the house looking decent. It's kind of embarrassing, but something that I'm working on. So, I don't think they're unreasonable and if that's all that's keeping him away then how can I not work on it? Right?
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
If these are things that you think need to be worked on then absolutely work on them for your own sense of well being. If it's just to get him back then there's too much potential to backslide and a huge disappointment if he decides that it doesn't matter that you've changed.
Also, didn't he say before that there were other issues that he hasn't told you? Don't be discouraged if these are things you really want to change about your life, but remember he hasn't put all of his cards on the table. The next requests may or may not be reasonable.
Mental health and a clean house are both good things, but be sure to cut yourself some slack. I'm a neat freak and there are days when my bed doesn't get made to my satisfaction. I really admire people who work out every day, but I'll never be one of them. I try to be a pleasant person, but some days evil-z does all of the talking. We all have weaknesses. None of us lives up to our best expectations of ourselves and it's okay so long as we own our mistakes and keep trying to do our best.
BTW, a few years ago a lot of DBers were into Flylady.net. It's a website about cleaning and organizing that's pretty good.
I'm definitely making changes for just myself. I spent way too long trying to be what I thought other people wanted and ended up losing who I was in the process. I'll never be perfect and he may never be satisfied with who I am. If that's the case then I'll just keep on with the life I've been living without the cloud of "what if" hanging over my head.
Yes, he did say there were things about me that he couldn't talk about just yet. He's told me some of the things in the past month or so... things like how I always seem to be yelling when I talk to the kids, I'm quick to get angry, the ADHD, the house... these are not things I wasn't aware of and haven't already taken steps to improve.
Me 34 H 37 M 12/97 H moved out 03/09 D 05/10 S 17 D 12 S 11
