Hi all, I have posted in several different forums but this one is now the one that is most fitting with my sitch. My H served me D papers last week and is now in the process of moving out. I cannot bear to be there while he is packing, taking pictures off of the wall, and emptying closets. I am so stressed right now and don't know if it is better that I just leave and come back after he is gone to a dead, empty,lonely house or try to work through staying there, helping him pack, and load things as a way of closure. How have any of you dealt with being in the house alone after your WAS has left?
I was here when my H left and I needed to do that for me. I needed to help him pack and I needed to watch him walk out the door. I'm not the best one for advice as I'm on a complete roller coaster, but I'm going to try!
IMO, if you can't be there and calmly help him pack and load his stuff, then it would be better if you were not there. OTOH, if you can be there calmly, then he will have to look at you when he walks out of the door and I think that will stay with him for awhile.
There will be some others along shortly who'll be able to help you with this. Have you posted in Newcomers?? You tend to get more help over in that area from some of the vets on the site who give great advice and who are very wise!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Thanks Confused, I already made a mistake I think about me keeping the house rather than him as he is now moving 1.5 hours away and won't have to be there to think about me and our life together. I wish now I would have been the one to move out. How are you doing now that the house is empty? I don't have kids so there will be no life or laughter there.
I also feel that one of the benefits of staying would be to make him walk out the door while I am still there. It may be making it too easy for him if I am gone.
My H was the WAS the first time we went through a D. At that time, I insisted on being present the whole time, just so that things didn't disappear that I wanted. Not that he would purposefully take things I wanted, but there were a few things he didn't realize I wanted and we were able to talk about it before he packed it up.
I think if you can avoid R talk and be helpful, then it may be a good thing to help him. If you can't bring yourself to help him, one thing I sometimes did was just go about my business while he did his thing. (I even watched a whole movie while he was there once, except he kept asking me where to find stuff so I had to pause it every few minutes.)
At the time, I think my H thought I did it just to be mean. From the WAS perspective, seeing the one they leave behind is a very uncomfortable reminder of what they're doing and it forces interaction that they may well fear. It's possilble that no matter how cool you are he'll take it the wrong way in the short term, but in the long term it might be for the best. It's a judgment call as to whether it will hurt or help; and it depends on how good your face-to-face DB skills are. (Mine were awful, hence the movie.)
If you think that you can't handle it and you trust that he won't take anything that's important enough you'll have to ask him for later then let him at it and go do something nice for yourself -- window shop, pedicure, whatever.
I also feel that one of the benefits of staying would be to make him walk out the door while I am still there. It may be making it too easy for him if I am gone.
This is probably true. Now that I'm the WAS, I'd almost rather he took everything in the house while I'm not there then hang out to watch him get his stuff.
Oh, and as for how to deal with the empty feeling in the house. I rearranged the furniture after H left. Blew H's mind that I managed to get the television and armoir to the opposite side of the room, the manual labor was a good distraction and I was proud of myself when I was done.
I think I am going to attempt to stay as a way of closure so I can take things bit by bit rather than the panic of walking in to an empty house but we will see how it goes. Thanks for all of the great advice. I don't think I am going to help in in any way though as that is making me seem a bit too "on board" with his decision which I certainly am not. I just don't know how I am going to deal with a bunch of his strange friends in our house either way when they help in move.
A big thing I am struggling with now is how we have become such strangers to each other. We used to talk everyday and were civil and loving to each other. Now, it is like we don't even know each other and he is trying very hard to distance himself as I know that is what is making this easier for him. I have certainly detached and am trying, although pathetically so, to GAL. It is all just so, so, very sad. Two souls who were once so close, now simple strangers.
I was able to get some Prozac and Xanax today at the doc. It will probably take a couple of weeks to kick in but hopefully it will help me through this very painful time of him moving out and the stifling lonely months to come. I am starting to feel tha anger seep through at him stealing my security, comfort, safety and companionship that he gave me for so many years and that he is now ripping from my life.
The million dollar question is how does someone just stop giving a sh*t about the person that they have loved for 14 years?
I will at some point in time have to give up on trying to understand the whole thing and move to acceptance. Just not ready to do that yet. Hopefully I will exhaust myself enough that I will be ready.
I don't think you have to stop caring. I was just writing to someone today that when my H was the WAS, I came to the realization that whether he was right or wrong, he was in pain and he really believed that leaving would resolve the pain. If I really loved him I had to let him go. It's hard to be zen about it, but Prozac and Xanax may help.
Zero, it is not about me not caring about him, as I will have an unconditional love for him the rest of my life. It is him being dead inside for me. While I am in agony, he is almost ecstatic about his new life to come. I will miss him with my entire being and soul, and to him I make his skin crawl and he can't wait to get our dissolution over with.
I am a beautiful person inside and out with so many friends and loved ones. I feel that so many people would be honored to have me as a wife (not that I haven't made some bad choices that have hurt my H over the years)It is just the one person that I want most to love me in this world, doesn't. Not only that, he doesn't seem to care at all about me, again, like he will be able to walk away with a peace. Seems so unfair.
I know I will have to stop the pity party at some time.
