Well, up until this point I have been just an observer of posts on this site. Well, now I am an official poster. I felt I needed more input to my situation. I have a sibling that has been very supportive, but I feel my situation is becoming dire.
We have been married 10+ yrs, have a 3yr old, and now she says she wants a divorce. She unloaded on me after the New Year. Very similiar things as I have seen here, that she doesn't love me anymore, and maybe never did, I am too controlling, I am jealous, I don't respect her, I don't allow her to speak her mind, I bark at her,.....many things I do wrong, and have done our whole marriage. Over the years, a wall has been built inside of her per my actions, and now she says is too tough to get over. She is done. She had filed. It has been 2 weeks, and I have not went to pick up my papers. She has not had to have the sheriff serve me yet. However, On Monday, she gave me a business card for the lawyer..........
My wife is what I consider a walk away spouse from the DB book and posts here. I have tried the 180 tech with some success, but the divorce march still continues. We had a good weekend - went to the park with our son, church, and have a nice night. She still sleeps next to me, and cuddles up, but then is cold and won't touch or kiss me. She says she can't get past the pain, but then talks about how we should manage our money in the future. Mixed messages....
So, I guess I am looking for any advice. I have seen patience, patience, patience, on many posts here. I also try to continue to do the 180 tech, but seem to falter. Do I go pick up the papers or wait to get served?.....
Please help my bro....... I try to give him advice but I'm not too good at the legal stuff. I am divorced now but this site did help me when I was going through the storm. Does anyone know if Puppy is still around, or sandi?
I told him that he could make this difficult for her and make her have him served. Is he just making this easy on her by going to pick up the papers? But, it is not ideal for him to be served at work and it would probably make her mad, adding to her wanting to leave.
Thoughts or advice anyone???
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
And second, if you don't want the D, then yes... Let your W do all the work. You can't fight it. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. But you don't have to help it happen, either.
The longer it takes, the more time to DB and potentially R if the stars align.
Tell us more about what has happened to get to this point, Up.
And also, start talking about what your 180s might be and what you might be looking to do, or are doing, to GAL.
Wow, where do I start. It really pays to go back to the beginning to understand where we are at. When we met, we were opposites. She was a rocker girl, and I was a young professional. We were both in the art field, so that is what started the conversation. But, from there, she was struggling and misguided with money, relationships, and a career. I, on the other hand, had a career and was very understanding. I think she saw me as stability, and I was enamoured with her outgoing personality. Well, we dated a short time, then had a hicccup. A big one. She kissed and dated my best friend. That crushed me, and I struggled to say the least for awhile. We each moved on but a short time later realized we were both miserable and we decided to try it again.
Well, a year later we were married and I feel on the right track. We get back from our honeymoon, and find that her parents were divorcing. This crushed her and she started to go for therapy. She went for six months and I find out 6 months ago, that she was also going to figure out how to deal with me and my faults. I did go a few times with her, but felt really cornered (I never really did live that one down). So, we move on with our life, and did have arguments, which I never really thought were any different than any other couple. Looking back on it, they were very similiar arguments, over and over. I did something wrong, she gets mad, I don't apologize correctly, and she starts building a wall and resentment. Well, this happens 10 years, as she tells me now.
One of the differences between us is, she is very outgoing, and I am more introverted. As the years pass, she develops new relationships, while pulling away from me, becoming less affecionate, and and a result, me, more frustrated.
We wait 5 or 6 years, then try to have a child. We struggle, but eventually she become pregnant, and we have a baby boy. It seems we are doing well. Most recently I ask how did we get there ito have a baby if she felt so much resentment, and she says she waited because she wasn't sure about us. However, she was getting older and she wanted a baby so she decided to do it.
Then comes the big bomb this New years day, saying she has had it, she has tried for 10 years to make it work, but I never listened. She says I am controlling, I don't respect her, I am defensive and bark at her. I reflect and do see things on her part that do not help our situation, but I am willing to work with her to resolve our issues. She is not though. So, as a last resort I have started doing the 180 technique.
Some of the items I do 1. Don't call or text her - don't want to control her 2. Don't quiz her about her nights out 3. Try to be independant - act busy 4. Don't hug or make advances - don't want to smother her
While not a lot, I feel like this is what she wants as she is done with the relationship. So I struggle keeping to this as I am not sure if any of this will really work. Any tips of what else I can do will help me a great deal.
Thanks for responding. It seems I am really at the end of the rope.
Well, I hope this works. I have replied a numbers of times and it hasn't posted. So, here goes.
For a little more background. When my wife and I met, we were opposites. She was a rocker girl and I was a budding professional. We were both in the art field, so that is what started the conversation. I think she was attracted to my stability and direction in life, and I was attracted to her outgoing and fun side. Well, we started dating, and a had a hiccup, a big one. She kissed and dated my best friend. We split and I was miserable. Came to be a short time later, she was also. So, we got back together and tried again.
Well, it worked and we ended up getting married a year later. When we got back from our honeymoon, we find out that her parents were divorcing. She was crushed. She ended up going to counseling for that, but now find out it was also to deal with me. I did go for a few visits with her (not knowing that) and felt cornered and quit (find out I never live that one down). Well, we move on and live our lives. I feel we are ok, but we don't really talk about having kids for a while - 6yrs. We finaly do try and it takes us a while. We have our son 8 yrs into the marriage and feel reborn.
Fast forward to today, she says she was holding on having a child because she didn't know where we were going. She eventually gives in because she was getting older. In the meantime, we are having arguments over the years, that she says piled on pain and anger. I never heard her and responded to her concerns. While I think we both did things that could have been better, never realized it was that dire. I viewed it that every couple has arguments and the stories I had actually sounded like what my friends went through with their marriages.
My WAW is very outgoing, and has a lot of friends from different parts of her life. While I know she needs an outlet, I do also miss her companionship and closeness with our family. My comments and "requests" have only made her go further away. My cautiousness with new adventures has also stifled her excitement for things. She views me as controlling, disrectfull, and closed to her ideas.
So, here I am, the last 6 months trying to change and make it work. I have been going to therapy, reading DB books, and seeking advice. I want it to work, but she does not recognize any changes as she is still living off of past experiences.
For the 180 technique, here are the things I have tried: 1. Stop calling / texting her 2. Acted more independant / tried to do my own social items 3. Focused on our son (which seems to upset her) 4. Don't ever ask about her nights out, I let bring it up 5. Try to just listen 6. Don't give her affection (as I don't want to smother her)
So, I struggle with these, as I almost think this is what she actually wants as she has moved on, but I am hoping they do some good. Please offer any other suggestions you may have.
Well, I guess my post did get submitted. Sorry for the double posts and test message.
I wanted to share last nights conversation, which did not go well. I need to work on refraining from these conversations, says my sis.
"I emailed my wife yesterday to tell her about a support group I wanted to attend and let her know. Well, we talked last night, and she was asking about it (moreso I think because she thought it was to work on the marriage), which turned into a big conversation. Long story short, she threw the “she’s been working on us for 10 yrs, I did nothing” which only pissed me off inside, as I can only hear that so many times. I said she frustrates me as she is continually dwelling on the past, and never looks forward for us, never sees what I have done, and there is no crack in her armor, to even give it a try. I asked her what about the good weekends, does that create any different thoughts in her head? And she says she gets to Monday and she is upset – because she did let her guard down a bit and she regrets it. She says complacency is easy (meaning staying.
I still tell myself patience, patience, patience, but every conversation I hear that, and up til now been pretty good listening, but my frustration came out, that it seems her stance has not changed in 6+ months.
Well, this is getting very frustrating. I post and it is days later before I see my post. I actually posted I believe on Tuesday at noon and have still not seen my post yet.......
Regardless, we have moved further towards divorce. My wife said she thinks we should not sleep in the same bed, and I said, "you are welcome to sleep in the other room". I think that took her by surprise. Well, it is night 2 of her sleeping in the other room.
Not sure how I feel. Of course I miss her, but also maybe this has to happen for her to have some sense of what it will be like to be divorced and away from me. Maybe she will have one ounze of remorse, just maybe. But then I think I can't do that to myself, think about her actions. I need to focus on me.
Well, I have about 3 weeks before there is the 1st court appearance. I need to get a lawyer to help me out. What is a temporary order? I think that is what it is called.
Very quiet with the wife. We have dinner together, play with our son together, but as cold as it can get. She has shown some interest in me, with a few questions, but mainly all about herself. Such as I had a fire by myself, and she asked "How was the fire" but that is it. I am really feeling that it is over.
I feel likee I should plan something for us to do, but i don't want to smother her, but I feel like I can't sit idle by. Any opinions? please comment if u could. thanks
