I stumbled across this website a couple of days ago, and have been reading the islander thread from the start and have seen how helpful everyone is on here, so cut short a BBQ to come and tell my story and hopefully get some help and advice. Sorry for the first long post but I have tried to condense it. BITS H – 37 W – 38 Together – 16y Married – 12y Daughter – 14 Son – 12 Date of WAW – 14/04/11 My Story (WAW) Things have been getting worse of the last couple of years tbh, and whilst we did try at things IMHO we only touched on the surface. In the last couple of months things had got bad for me and I had become very down with the way W had been treating me, no affection (but were still having S), snappy, moody and even starting to shout at me in front of friends. I didn’t read the signs…….. At a friends BBQ on 10/04/11 she did it again, resulting in the next few days me being down and moody with W, and this created a circle where she would be worse.
14/04/11 she said that she wasn’t happy with R, so thought we should separate! If left within the hour to stay in a hotel in another city as I had to be there early for work anyhow and thought it would be good to give her some space and returned the following evening. We had a conversation where she said we have been here before, nothing had worked and that she hadn’t been happy for a few years now. She slept in D’s double bed the next couple of nights. I knew things were not good, but not this. I am 99% sure there is no OP as she doesn’t have much time for job, me, home and kids let alone anyone else, but hey, I didn’t know this was going to happen either!
I then stayed at my friends for the next couple of nights (my 2 best mates are single) and she then stayed at her friends in another town for a couple of nights as her friends in our town are married with young kids so do not have room for her, or even want her around much as they have their own lives. She then stayed in a hotel for 3 nights for work as I said I had to be at home with kids as it was holidays so she needed to spend some time away. I also did this as it was usually me who stays away, and I wanted her to feel being in a lonely room without usual home comforts and only your thoughts.
I sent her an honest letter on 18/04/11 being completely honest in saying where I felt things had gone wrong, (her being moody, jealous of 2 of her friends becoming close and excluding her, clashing with D, all of which I felt she then took out on me, made me in a bad mood to her creating a vicious circle) I also pointed out where I felt I had gone wrong. We had some email tennis then and when I asked where she was staying the response was that I wanted her out of the house so she didn’t see as it mattered, which I felt she turned it around to me!
She returned home on 21/04/11 and slept in D double bed with her again. On Sat 25 we had a conversation and she admitted that she had been horrible to me (a bit*h in her actual words) and said she was so sorry for making me feel so sad and that she just wanted me to be happy and that she was not the person to do this. I said to her that all I wanted was to be happy with her, for us to be happy, and that I felt that I should be the one leaving, not the one saying lets work at things and that I love her, to her reply of she didn’t want to work at things any more, I’m a nice guy and now realises how much I love her and how badly she had treated me. (Should have realised I should have told her I love her more, but didn’t). She said that she didn’t know why she had been treating me so badly, only that she felt I talked down to her.
A couple of days later we had another open honest conversation, and I said we obviously have feelings for each other otherwise we wouldn’t have these conversations, but we cannot make each other happy, and its been getting worse for some time now, to which she agreed with. I said that when we had issues in the past but we never ever talked about them as in-depth as we are now, and if we had done this a couple of years ago and were still in this position now I would say lets part, but we hadn’t and we can make it work. W said no, we had tried and it was no good. I said you sent me a text only 3 weeks ago telling me how much you loved me, to the reply of “I was putting issues to the back of my mind…..”
Next day W changes her fb status to single and removes all rings!! Later that evening when I found out and she realised how hurt I was she removed the single status from fb and the post on her wall. Wife wants to move out and rent for 6 months and see. We have agreed to the current finances (She has car, I have cash as I have a CC), but she has asked me to lend her the money so she can put down 6 months rent in advance and to take it off any final settlement (i.e equity in property) which I am not sure about. She is viewing two rentals on 03/05/11, and saw one on 30/04/11 Asked her if we were doing the right thing, to which I got the reply “I think so”….. I then asked if she would consider C, to which she said don’t know, I might go to 1….. I told her I loved her and that I didn’t want to just throw 16y away without trying and exhausting everything first, to which she again replied that she thought we had and that was it. She knows I love her deeply and that I want to work at it.
Left it a couple of days, and when she came home I had cooked for the kids and was in the lounge reading the paper, to her retort, I thought you would be on your PC (which I was too much), I replied that I had realised I had become selfish and was stuck in a rut and I am not doing that anymore, I have a life and will carry this on with or without W, which she was taken back by. The rest of the evening I acted OK (Professional), which brought the comment, why are you being so amicable!
Then asked her again not to leave and lets try at this, which I now think drove her further away and she said no to C, so I said that she needs to move out ASAP, which her reply was she knew that and was trying, but a rental might not be available for another 5 weeks!! Or a couple of weeks if she can get the money. She has not thought about moving, furniture, getting things there, furnished or unfurnished etc.
We have told the kids what is going on as we feel they are old enough to understand (when I say we, I did ALL of the talking) and the kids want to stay one week with W and one week at mine, which is what we also want so we are sharing the responsibilities and finical aspects 50/50 and both getting to see them regularly. I said that I thought she had changed her fb status, removed rings and wanted to rent quickly to get out of the situation as fast as possible so she cannot turn back easily.
Friday night I went out with friends and stayed at mates house. Wife was up late drinking wine and posting on fb, which I think was due to me being out with single mates. She was posting on her mobile as the internet was down at hone and had been texting me all night to help her (She hasn’t got a clue about tech or money for that matter as I do everything) So I thought I would carry it on so she would realise just what little things such as this would be like,
I stayed at friends again on Sat, and again she was up drinking as I believe she thought I was out again (which I wasn’t). She text me at 9pm to tell me D was having a sleep over, which I didn’t respond to, and left it completely. (She doesn’t usually drink much at all, usually a few on a fri or sat night at home with me)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
