Hello to all of you. I know most/all of you are hurting and feeling at your wits end. My story does not necessarily have then ending you all are hoping for. I know that, but I'm here to say, that if you work at it, it gets better.
I'm 45 days from my D being final. I've spent the last 6 months GALing, trying to change the things about me I don't like, setting goals, achieving those goals and rewarding myself for doing so, dating, working out, re-establishing old friendships etc. etc. etc. You know what? It works!
MWD teaches to make time your friend. Sometimes it won't seem like it. I've waited by the phone/computer for longer than I care to admit. I still do sometimes. But when the call doesn't come, use the time for yourself.
Good luck to all, and keep your heads up. It gets better!
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
All I can say is I've been there. I felt utterly destroyed. I've deleted my threads, but suffice it to say that I was cheated on and left alone on the other side of the world, with no friends or family and nothing but time on my hands to feel sorry for myself and sob.
It does get better. I know you've all had times in your lives before you met your spouse that were happy. Focus on remembering that person. You are not the same, nor will you ever be again, but just know that the fact that you were once happy with yourself is proof that you can be again.
Good luck.
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
I know it will get better. But man, getting there isn't easy. Still, cherish every glimmer of happiness, and yes--you gotta force yourself to do things that will help, because man, you won't want to do 'em and you'll be convinced they won't help, because surely nothing will help.
But things help. As everyone is saying--rekindle old friendships, make new ones, work out, stay busy. Amusingly the activity helping me most right now--COMPLETELY out of character--is getting involved with social/ballroom dancing, which sounds pretty silly... but you know, going to a "town hall" dance with an evening of non-flirtation dancing, laughing, platonic touching (it's amazing how nice just simple human contact is), etc lifted my spirits tremendously for a few days.
Then I got an email from my STBX and it crushed me again but the memory of a happy day without her really does act like fuel (we haven't even started legal proceedings but I can't see avoiding them).
My story ends here. The D was finalized about a week ago. What started out with a bang has ended in a whimper. My now ex-wife started chatting with me online. I'd run a marathon the day earlier and she used the opportunity to say congrats. After a few minutes I asked "Hey, are we still married?" to which she replied "no". And that was it. No crushing, to tears, no . . . . .anything.
On to new things. Ran my first marathon in 6 years and got a personal best. Climbed a mountain yesterday. I have a great job. I've re-established long neglected friendships. Things are good. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I get lonely. But it is OK. Being alone has given me some time to see where I lost myself and leaned too much on her. It's given me the opportunity see again what she found attractive in me.
Dating has been fun. I'm casually dating a great woman, though I see that ending soon (you can only be casual so long). Yes, I'm looking for someone, but I've actually become a bit more choosy. One of the women I've gone out with is superficially perfect. Beautiful, good job, smart, athletic . . . fun. I'm my previous life, I'd stress about how perfect she is, then feel like a failure for obsessing. In reality there is something missing. So were now good friends. Not "just friends", actual friends.
One more thing. Exercise. I think it saved me. 14 months ago, I couldn't run 3 miles, I was 20+ lbs heavier, watching too much TV, eating poorly and feeling like a big sack of $#!t. Things are different now. I look good, I'm strong, I'm more attractive, and most importantly, I feel good. It takes time, it is painful, it is hard. But if there is one thing I know form having gone through this, is just how much time one has. Think about all the time you moping around with painful thoughts in your head? If you spent 1/4 of that time in a treadmill, you'd fell 10x better about yourself. I know it's not for everyone, but it saved me. Oh, and I joined a running group, and, I must say, getting to spend a few hours every week getting sweaty with attractive women isn't so bad!
M:37 W:34 M:4 years T:6 years No Kids A disclosed - 9/1/2010 W asks for separation - 10/19/2010 Moving on - 10/24/2010 A ends (and I believe her) - 12/2010 Content - 3/1/2011 Served - 3/18/2011 D Day - 6/20/2011
but the memory of a happy day without her really does act like fuel (we haven't even started legal proceedings but I can't see avoiding them).