Where to start!! I've been married for 16 yrs. We are both 39 yrs old. I thought happily. Like any other marriage we have ups and downs but nothing major. About 3 1/2 yrs ago my husband had an emotional affair. I had suspicions and confronted him. He cried and swore to me it was nothing. He met her a a job related event once and it was only phone conversations. He never saw her again. He never had physical contact with her. He begged me to forgive him that he would prove himself to me. I chose to work through it. We have an 11 yr old daughter and she deserved that much. It was a tough year or so where I was constant worried what if he does it again. I never turned him away or rejected him. Even on days I felt like leaving him for breaking my heart. I cried a lot the first 6 months. I just worked out my inner demons and i got through it without therapy. This past 2 years were, I thought, great. We had a great summer. We went out on the boat almost every weekend. We went on a few family trips with my nieces and nephews to universal studios and Disney and busch gardens. Our sex life was in full swing. Everything seemed wonderful. Last august 31, we had a small argument over a dream I had. He went all off and told me that he loves me but is not sure he is in love with me. Time is passing and he wants to live his life. He wants to party and have fun with his friends without having to worry about coming home at a reasonable time or not coming at all. He needs time to sort out his feelings. Wow was my response. What happened?? He says he's been unhappy for at least a year now but he was waiting. When I asked about the wonderful summer we just had he had no answer. We agreed we would "separate" while living in the same house. I wouldn't question where he goes or comes. I wouldn't call him unless it was related to our daughter. I moved to the spare room. This lasted about a week before he started calling and texting me. In about two weeks he invites me over to his room and we slept together. Things looked like they were going on the right track. About 4 weeks later I get another speech on how he is just not feeling it. He feels trapped and wants to run away. Again I leave to the spare room. We would set up dinner dates just us without my daughter. It seemed like slowly we were getting somewhere. It didn't seem hopeless. Then the first week of January he again tells me that it's just not working and he feels his life is paused. He needs to live cause he's not getting any younger. He starts again going out with his friends but instead of once or twice a week, almost every night til 4-5 am. I say nothing to him. I don't argue or fight what he wants to do. About a week after valentines day he comes to me again and he tells me that he read a book online that made him realize that had to try to make this work for the sake of our daughter. That she deserves that much. I agree and tell him we can work through this. He even tells me he's willing to maybe try counseling. He says no more distractions or parties. He's going to concentrate on us. Since then he has been home more. He has still gone out with his friends ( did I mention they are are in their 20's and single) once every two weeks. He still tells me he doesn't feel it. He doesn't know what's happening to him. Is he having a mid life crisis??? What can I do to help him?? I'm willing to work through it and patiently wait until his feelings come back. But how can I get him to wait too. He keeps talking about leaving. I'm scared if he leaves it's over. He won't come back. I also found out last week that he had a physical affair that lasted about 6 weeks but he ended it 2 months ago. OW is a close friend of his family!
Jack, the reason I moved out was because of our work schedules my daughter would never notice I was sleeping in her room. If he did se would notice. I did it for her not for him.
Thanks Cat04. He is very confused. Very stressed. One moment he seems open to talk and do things together the next he needs space. Idk if it's MLC or not. I'm very confused too
Sorry your here with us, but keep coming back. This forum will help a lot in giving you direction, peace, and hope.
I am no expert, but i was concerned that maybe you are letting your H have his cake and eat it too. He is confused, but you moved out of the bedroom to appease him. He texts ya to his room, you go have sex with him. These types of reactions to him, are possibly gonna make you feel more confused and used and abused, especially if he has had EA's and PA's with other women. MY advice, Keep yourself safe, especially in the bedroom if he is sleeping around. I do understand that at the time - you thought things were getting a bit better, just keep your eyes wide open.
Often when they threaten to leave and or say they feel trapped, they very well may do so. Start preparing just in case. Look out for your well being. There are a lot of classic signs and traits your H shares with MLC'ers, So read up on it in Michelles book Divorce Remedy or here on the website if you have not already done so. Then you will be able to decide if he fits the shoe. Take Care, TIPPER
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
P.S. If any of this sounds familiar, then you will realize that I have already posted to you many times already. SHHH don't say anything!
Does it feel like you are walking on eggshells to keep him living at home? It sounds like it. In some ways, you remind me of me.
It isn't the end if he moves out. I used to panic at the thought that any given thing I did (or didn't do) would be the straw that broke the camel's back. It was about him, not me. This doesn't mean I don't have ownership.
Yes, there is always hope. Hope is like a living entity that you shelter in your heart. It's something that depends on you.
