I know its sunday and there are not a lot of people on the forums, but I am dying inside and I need help.
My H has left me again, after piecing for the last 3 years. He is an alcoholic at the bars EVERYNIGHT now. I cant live that way. I exploded, and I knew it was coming, I just couldnt hold all my rejection in.
So 2 nights ago, I blew up about the amount of drinking he is doing (again), and he said "fine,I am leaving". I was so mad, I said here let me help ya and I started ragefully throwing his stuff at him. He left and spent that night at a hotel. I have no idea where he is staying other than that.
He said to me in a text that night: "I want us to both be truely happy, and we might be able to be a "we" but my motives wont waiver, I need time".
I responded: "then take the time, I need love- not someone that I am constantly being suspiscious about because they are at the local bars all night, I dont know how else to feel, I am grasping at straws".
I realize now in retrospect- I should have been going to al-anon about 3 years ago, when he first returned to me. I didnt. I regret that.I am going to go tommorow if possible.
All I know right now, is that I am sick of being the one putting all the work and effort into this marriage while he is out having his fun. I feel abandoned again, and rejected, and I dont know how much more of this I can take before I break. I am laid off from my full time tenured teaching position I had for 8 years and now am on unemployment. I dont know how I will get by finacially. I feel lost and I just dont have anything left to live for. I am so scared.HELP PLEASE! TIPPER
Tipper if I may make a suggestion? Youtube... Head Start Hegstrom, Symptoms. Watch the whole video.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
As someone who is on her second round with MLC'r/alcohol abuse, I guess you already know that he wasn't through it when he came back 3 years ago. Did either of you try counseling or any sort of DB'ng after he returned, or was everything just status quo. I know in my sitch, my h had to spend 18 months in Iraq, and that sort of put his MLC on hold. Nothing resolved when he returned.
Hold on Tip, and don't believe for a minute that you have nothing to live for. You have everything to live for. It's HIS problem. As trite as this may sound, things will work out. Trust in God and leave it on his doorstep. Come here anytime and often to ask for help or just to rant.
Again, I'm sorry you are having to go through this a 2nd time. No one should ever have to go through it a first time.
punkin, Thank you for your response, I really needed someone. I do believe he was still in MLC for the first year he returned, but the 2nd year was awesome and I felt like I had my H back,we hung out together everynight and remodeled a new house we were moving into at the time. It was bliss for that year. Then I got laid off in June '10 and thats when every thing started back up.
Then I find out from my brother tonight that he had know something my H did 3yrs ago:the week before he returned to me he bought flowers for the bar tender that I am suspicious that he likes now.
He had spent wed, thurs, and fri last week at her bar. That is why I exploded on fri, I had a feeling he liked her way back then but now its confirmed. She has a boyfriend in town that is a cop and she is not interested in my H at all, but I can just tell he likes her.
When he came back 3 yrs ago, the first 6 months he was still trying to seek out a new apartment(different than the one he was in at the time). And come to find out, she was living in the one he wanted to move into. I couldnt understand why he wanted to switch apartments then, but now I know.
I used to go to a counselor on my own. He wants nothing to do with it. Now I am gonna start al-anon, cuz - I did not feel much help from the counseling at the time. Hopefully it will help.
I have kept DBing all along untill this year, (he knows nothing about it), but then I couldnt keep it up when all the same tendencies started up. Thats when I started nagging him about his time at the bars. Every month this year we have fought about it and I have exploded time after time. It hasnt worked obviously. I definetly let the DBing slip this year. TIPPER
Take a deep breath. I am going through this again too. My H left again in February after being home for 4 years. I was dumbfounded. Everything was going fine.
You can only do so much. Let him go again. I had to. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was doing everything to make things work. He was too but I didn't feel like he was trying as hard as I was.
My H started drinking more heavily before he left. I think that is their way to mask their feelings.
Things are not going the way I wanted them for me and H but it is what I have to do.....I am divorcing him because I can't do it again.
Hang in there. It's hard enough to go through this the first time but to have to deal with it again is heartbreaking. Your in my prayers.
My h was home for 2 yrs then left 1 yr ago again for ow again because of trust issues I had. He broke mine and my son's heart again. I know how painful it is. Sorry you are going thru this. m-22yrs together-32 yrs. son-17
Thank you all so much for being here for me.I really appreciate your prayers, SO MUCH! I feel like such a failure and that I wasted the last three yrs of life trying to make him happy. I know I need to let go- and I am outwardly, But I still hurt inside so much. It will take me some time to really let him go out of my heart. I need to do it though.
He wants this time apart, I will not stop him. I have been dying inside and miserable and he cant even try to compromise with me. He says his motives wont change. I said for him to see how that works out in the long run for him - but I cant live that way. Every one I know keeps saying he is going to end up getting a DWI or hurting someone if he keeps this up. My dad pointed out to me too that in the past my H would work all hours of the night on roofs, and get home around 6 7 or 8ish as where this past year we have all seen that the alcohol is taking him over because now he is always leaving work/roof jobs around 2 3 or 4ish to go to bars. I think the workaholic is being taken over by the alcoholic in him.
Yellow Rose, I remember your sitch. I am so sorry to hear that you too are going through this again. I hope I can be stong like you are enough to realize I cant go through this time and time again. At some point I need to meet my own needs.
Short term needs/goals:first is alanon. Then to figure out another career other than P.E. & Health teacher which I have degrees in but are no good for me when all the teachers in this country including myself are getting laid off. I have no other ideas for a career and I need to figure it out soon as there are not a lot of teaching openings in NY. Long term goals/needs: to feel happy and healthy again, to find a long term job/career to start up and be happy with.To gain my self confindence and self esteem back. To be the strong woman I used to be that wouldnt put up with crap from my H.
