wife having affair - please help

[facingdivorce]

Hi 25
Just responding to one of your comments>

Have you taken responsibility and or apologized for any of the mistakes you made, or pain you inflicted on her? I know you feel you are the aggrieved party, but NEWSFLASH...she sees herself as the aggrieved party, not you. I am not defending her affair. I'm trying to help you save your m.

Yes I have and in writing. I made sure that she knows I accept responsibility for my mistakes , that I am working through them actively and recognised the hurt I caused her. I dont feel a victim in this situation and I agree my ww would think she is the aggrieved one. In some of the emails I have responded to her with, I always validate her position and never make judgements. So these are good 180s for me.

She has said that she hears what I am saying and that I do say the right things, there is that scepticism though in will I actively carry that through.

the journey continues

[facingdivorce]

So more journaling. I have definately flipped a switch about two weeks ago and have definately distanced myself, but i think too much. I really dont care what happens, and in the back of head there is a warning light blinking. I need to find balance in how i feel

Small steps in the last week from my wife. She has said thanks in her notes , she wasnt saying that before and doesnt seem angry. Her voice since this began became higher, more tense and aggitated, angry. Yesterday, when i picked up the kids, she sounded , i dont know a bit sad, but more like my wife , gentler.She has even sent some non essential text messages as well. She also drove by our old home with d8 the other day. We only left it 18 months ago to buy the big new house. In the old house we were happy and she only worked part time. To afford the new big home, she had to go full time and well the rest is known. We are definately a cautionary tale.

Anyway we have quite a bit of spare furniture in the garage as our holiday home sold, so i am picking it up, and she has been helpful.

So i dont know what this means. D8 said om has not been around since i outed him....and wife hasnt travelled now for three weeks its the most still she has been in years.

Perhaps they are nano steps, not baby steps, perhaps it is the calm before the storm ( ive become pessimistic, whereas i was always positive), i have lost confidence in my intuition through this.

Anyway another week, we learn more, but no more distance as i will become the was here.

[facingdivorce]

Well ww back to angry , do they get tired of the see sawing emotions, because it sure is getting old being on the receiving end. But then again perhaps WW likes it, as it gives her an adrenalyn rush to anotherwise dull sunday. "Hey im bored, nothing on tv, hey i know i will go torment my stbxh, he sounded happy the other day, cant have that now."

Perhaps these nano steps ( a hundreth of a baby step) i thought were happening are just nothing, im clasping .

I just had to write a reply to her lawyer, who is threatening to have a restraining order put on me if i call her om again... The thing that really bugs me, is the whole notion of the letter that was to protect the affair, it is noble, it is what they want. Your the crazyhusband calling the om and making him feel uncomfortable. How dare you. You were just legally married to your wife, give it up, move on. Its like how embarrassing it is for you to defend your marriage and advocate for your young children. Your just being difficult.

Sorry for the rant. I would love to say these things to my ww, but i wont, i will validate, apologise for calling her om ( wimp) and keep my distance. I will focus on my little girls

[Starsky309]

Sorry for the rant. I would love to say these things to my ww, but i wont, i will validate, apologise for calling her om ( wimp) and keep my distance. I will focus on my little girls

Don't apologize -- VALIDATE.

"Look, I can see how you'd be p*ssed about that -- I would be too -- but everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage and our family."

Why would you APOLOGIZE for that?


Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

you don't have to apologize for calling the OM. Just leave him/them alone and say nothing more.

I thought it was a one time call you made. Were there others? What's the exact claim of the L?

You were warned that the world does NOT see their A the way you do. But if it was a one time thing, I'd say just drop it. I don't know what their cause of action is, the "intentional inflction of emotional distress"? And their behavior? Oh blah blah blah= MESS...

Yours is a cautionary tale on this issue for sure. If his L wants something from you, or is warning you to stay away, you can say "i've said my piece to the married man who slept with my
wife and for that, I won't apologize. But I'm done."

And make it clear that you made NO threat of any kind...right?

[facingdivorce]

Yes it was only the once, but they are saying it caused problems for him ( such a pity )So i worded the response much like you said, wont do it again, i was upset at discovering the affair and him travelling with my children.

I Kept it low key as i just want to sort through the finances and formalise the child custody, without a team of lawyers draining the funds.

I have no hopes of saving the marriage, not just because of my ww actions, but im feeling like a was myself now, perhaps of the ensuring months that changes, perhaps this is the new status quo. Its all new territory for me.

[AJM80]

FD- stay calm, ok? The emotions balance out over time. Set goals to just get through a few weeks, then a few weeks, etc. I've just read through and caught up on all your posts. My H and I are both pretty hardcore business people and we let work get in the way of our lives together. Sounds like your wife may have loved the idea of a little homestead, but got freaked out about giving up the career and life that defined her.

If you think your marriage is over, it probably is (we are good at fulfilling our own prophecies, other than those pesky New Zealand earthquake ones). But let's stop for a minute and think bigger picture about some of the things people are saying. I'm not reconciled, H hasn't said he wants to come back, etc. However, we've gone from him acting as if he was on drugs (that erratic addict behavior you described) and ignoring me/the kids when he had visitation to being a pretty good father and even saying he was an idiot for what he did. DBing is valuable for a lot of reasons. Keep it up. I can imagine a little of the hurt and pain you are feeling - let her come out of this fog and you'll start to see glimpses of the woman you married. Even if things are not working out, that will make it easier to deal with and she'll be a better mother. That woman you married knows what she did was awful, she's just hiding from it now.

If I were you, I'd probably see an atty about the cease and desist letter, just to make sure you know what you shouldn't do (avoid any future headaches - I do think you have the best intentions NOT to get into it with him). Then I would consider apologizing to your wife. If you are truly letting her go, you can say, Look, I just want you to be happy. I shouldn't have called OM, this is between you and I and he has nothing to do with it. I've done some thinking and I can see that I got too comfortable with our relationship and didn't always appreciate you and I'm sorry for that. (your call, this might be better later when she is less angry and out of control. regardless, if you mean it and keep it brief, an apology can go a long way)

Brief, honest, and walk away. Don't mention being friends or staying married or getting divorced. What she did was so wrong, a discussion probably will not go anywhere positive.

If you don't look at yourself and what you need to change about you, you're modeling your future relationships on this failed one AND you're setting an example for your girls. Another bonus of DBing is healthier future relationships, whoever they may be with.

And you sound like a nice guy. You really do. I'd probably help with the babysitting a little more - don't be a pushover, but embrace the time with your girls. They need to know you're still there for them and showing their mother love and support is a positive example. In no time they'll be bratty teens for a few years. (my sisters and I were)

[facingdivorce]

Hi ajm80
i cant believe what happened to Christchurch, i have been a couple off times and it was so beautiful.

Thanks for the advice. I have apologised to my wife, seen an atty so this doesnt bite me on the ass, said the appropriate mea kepea to their lawyer.

I have had the girls 70 percent of the time since this happened and before that i took care of them 100% of the time when ww was travelling.

I think your right about stepping off the corporate merry go round and freaking out. I summonsed up the courage and did it, that sure backfired. I saw my ic today and he thinks she may be subtley reaching out, mmmmm not sure about that. Im just tired of the analysis and what iffing. Its exhausting.

I am very cogniscant of what role i am showing the girls , and i work on that everyday. I have apologised to my wife and it was heartfelt and sincere. I have left it at that. I dont talk r with her. She knows i am working on me and that the door is open . MLC said a wise thing about forgiveness. I think i can forgive, but im not sure my ww will forgive herself, she is her own harshest critic.

Thanks for the advice i really need to stay connected i know, its just at the moment i need some mental respite.

[25yearsmlc]

FD,

now and then you Have TO GET A BREAK. Those days I used to pretend h was in the outback of Australia and unreachable. Somehow it kept me from obsessing, and Also i imagined him fairly miserable out there NOT having fun. Anyhow, I'd tell myself "FOR this week" there's nothing I can do or say as he's UNavailable so I think I'll focus only on work/writing/kids/GAL, etc.

It helps in spurts, and gives you glimpses of what life will be like when you really detach. It's little doses of it.

Also, still I must ask, what are your 180's? YOU are NOT DBing if you cannot name at least 2!!

And the GAL?? Hmmm? What about those? They are gifts for YOU & YOUR D'S...SHOW them the way. Their little hearts will be broken someday...show them how it CAN be alright. And that it is within their control, as it is within yours.

hugs buddy-keep on keeping on. There ARE some steps happening, nano steps?? We'll see. But don't underestimate the flaws of OM and the complications of HIS family....time will tell.

So now, she's in Australia this week. (Or the space shuttle, whatever...) What are YOU doing for fun?

[AJM80]

I'm amazed that you called OM - I'd wanted to with OW, but just didn't.

The what iffing is brutal, because it is so easy to lose the positive side of it and go to what iffing awful stuff. 25years is right - the busier you stay, the more life just falls into place. I find when we stay too close to home for a few days, I start to become more emotional. I find taking my own road trips with the kids to be really helpful.

Good for you, being there for your girls. I love my mom, but my dad is the one who shaped my life in so many ways. And congrats on leaving the rat race!