Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[ninelives]

What this title means is that I am really going to follow the advice of the vets and take emotions out.

I am trying to GAL for me and yes , forgivenss may be one of the things I have to really adress.

I will NEVER forgive the affair, but I must forgive her as a human that made mistakes and will continue to make them and detach from her.

As we speak, son 15 feels really let down because he doenst want to be here tonight , young son has annoying friend over and Oldest son wants to be with hiMOM tonight.

She just called and said that she is soo tired and just wants to be by herself t=onight and that she works next weekdedn as well and that she just want to watch a movei.

Thats all

This is such BS, I am so angry right now but dont want to shoe her.

I calmly said look, he want you tonihgt , Why cant you be with hi.

I DONT UNDERSTASND how she can put OM before her sons feelsing.

I AM AGHAST.

I will not call her .

She did say some things and I will tel you in the next post.

9

[ninelives]

I get on the phone with her as oldest son is talking.

I say, is someone on the phone?

Then w talks to son about just wanting to be alone.

I say can i talk to your mom for a second.

M: W, son really needs you tonight. He is out of sorts and is feeling a little down,

W: Well Im effing tired , my back is killing me and I have worked 12 hours, I just want to relax by myself and watch a movie

M: Yeah but he wont bother you, let him watch a movie with you , its no problem is it?

W: Did you put this in his head tonight.

M: NO i did not. ( feel temperature rising but get it undercontrol) He just needs you tonight,

W: Why are you trying to make me feel guilty? Im a bad mother RIGHT?

M; Im not trying to make you feel guilty. You know he is going through tough times, IF you cant do it than there is nothing I can say. Its your choice.

W: Im a bad mother Right?

(honestly im at a loss for words) I say nothing

W: Well obviously your silence confirms this.

M: I dont know what to say. I guess all i can say is have a good night.

W: He just wants to come here and play his video games and then he yells at the TV. ITs nothing to do with me. I know him.

M: I know him as well and Im telling you, he just wants to be with you tonight.

W: WEll IM sorry but i am really tired. I cant have him tonight.

( I am so tempted to go by there and see if his truck is in the driveway but maybe he wont drive it this time, they hid the affair for a year so im sure he could be over there)

I am truly at a loss right now. Can she possibly put him infront of her son? I guess she may be more far gone than even I thought.

I know she is tired but COME ON! She always complains that her relationship with him is fragile, THIS IS NOT HELPING.

M: Okay, well if thats all , I can only wish you a good night

W: ARe you mad at me?

M: Does it really matter what I am ?

(her anger starts to show)

i dont know what she said but her voice inflicts and I just want to get off the phone now.

M: Okay, well thats it then.

W: Let me talk to oldest son please.

I let her talk to son and then. I ask him after he hangs up how he feels/

He tells me sad/ Doesnt understand why she wouldnt want to be with her son.

I tell him she is just tired. Thats all.

She invites him over tomorrow.

I know he is feeling neglected.

What do I do NOW?

HELP

9

[islander]

9

I think tha you need to be there for your son, show him that you understand how he feels, and do everything you can not to balme your W or make her look like a bad mother. Your son will come to his own conclusions, and it will have nothing to do with you influencing him.

Your W, like mine, is very lost right now and making very poor decisions. They forget or don't think about how they are hurting their children. They justify all of their actions.

[LITB]

What this title means is that I am really going to follow the advice of the vets and take emotions out.

9, are you really going to take the emotions out?

This is such BS, I am so angry right now but dont want to shoe her.

I realize how difficult it is to take the emotions out, but that didn't last long. As islander said, be there for your sons. They need you. You have control of being there for them. You DO NOT have control of your W being there for them.

She just called and said that she is soo tired and just wants to be by herself t=onight and that she works next weekdedn as well and that she just want to watch a movei.

Thats all

You said you weren't going to call her, but when you had the opportunity you were all over it. She told you she wanted to be alone. You talked to her and it made you angry to the point you wanted to drive by to see if OM was there.

She thought that you were trying to make her feel guilty. I know 25 talked about making the WAS feel guilty in one of her post.

[ninelives]

LITB

Sorry, i didnt make myself clear when I posted. I didnt call her, my son did and I did get on the phone and she was still on.

I overheard her say that she wasnt going to let son come over and thats when I asked son if I could talk to mom. I was calm throughout convo, but I was upset inside that she didnt want to see him tonight,

And yes, driving by was a fleeting thought, was NOT and DID NOT do it. I wasnt trying to make her feel guilty. I am really concerned about my sons well being and self esteem. I wanted to let her know that he wanted to see her tonight and I thought she would have been happy about that given the nature of their strained relationship.

She had an opportunity to make strides to mend that but missed it and actually made it worse.

He seemed lethargic and wanted to go to sleep. I crawled into bed with him for awhile and usually he doesnt want me to claiming he is told old for this now.

But he let me rub his backa and tassle his hair. I think that he craved some love and attention tonight and thats why he let me do this when he is now at the stage of being, TOO manly to let his dad show affection like we used to.

IN my opinion, I did follow 25's post to the letter to my wife. I assured her that I didnt want her to feel guilty, that wasnt my intent. JUst my genuine concern for our oldest son.

Thanks for the follow up thought Bay.

9

[ninelives]

Through out convo with w tonight, I kept replaying 25's message in my head and would not allow her to hear my anger. The old me would have been sarcastic to her and would have said something like

" dont trade OM for your son" I was very aware of thinking that but i didnt say it. That is a victory for me. By the end of the convo, im not sure i was angry or more shocked that it played out that way.

I just talke to an old student of mine that dated this guy. She told me that he was an odd fellow and very controlling.

I cant believe my W has let herself be controlled by him. She is 8 years his senior. I think she is going to have one heck of an awakaning some day and NOT believe what she has done.

9

[ninelives]

W just called me. I was upbeat and talkative for awhile.

Did discuss our son. Asked her how her night was?

She is at work and hates it. I asked her if she changed any dirty skivies this morning. Light things up. No laughter from her or anything like that anymore. I think she is nervous everythime she is on phone with me. Im going to change that by keeping things light.

Another teacher and I have a goal this month. To see the positive in everything that comes our way. This includes all people. May be tough but Im game.

I shared report card with son to her. Not good. 15 % in history
( which is so wierd since he loves WW1 and 2 stuff)

30% in English/ 52% in com tech and 62% in math ( second time around)

He is floundering big time. I have lowered the boom on him and cut him off all video games until marks improve.

I raked my butt off yesterday getting ready for summer. Trouble is, now have no butt. Going out to finish today.

Thats something W always complained about that I didnt keep the yard like she wanted. I have one neighbour who is retired and a fanatic about his yard. Sooooo the comparison is there.

I will do my best to approach his yard. 180 right and also I have the garage already cleaned out and am starting the pool soon so it is up and ready in JUNE.

Watch my dust. I am feeling better and people say that I look like my old self again.

New 9

Hope I can sustain this.

[Eryam]

9,

It sounds like you have some good goals. I'm glad you're taking care of you.

I apologize in advance if I'm about to ask questions you've already answered in previous posts. In regards to your S, is he getting any counseling through this? I just remember going through school during my parent's D and my grades went in the toilet. It didn't matter how passionate I was about a subject. I was exhausted and irritated all the time, and couldn't bring myself to do anything scholastic. I even failed the second semester of a class and had to repeat it. No one at school even knew what I was going through, and that made it even more difficult.

Have your kids talked with either of you much about they're feeling about all of this? It wouldn't surprise me if they haven't (teens/preteens don't really do that... especially boys). Are the people at the school aware of what's going on?

[ninelives]

Hey Due:

Yes the times have certainly changed since when you were a kid and leaped since I was. Separations are so common these days and my son hangs with a bunch of kids that are from broken homes. ( NEVER dreamed they would be, EVER)

He does talk to me and is really upset with his mom for her affair, and that she is with an OM. I certainly didnt help matters in the beginning as I was soooo depressed and sometimes said things about OM that I should not have. He wants nothing to do with OM and will not go to his mothers if HE is around.

He doesnt want counselling. But maybe that will soften as things progress. WE are very close and tells me alot and opens up to me. He just cant believe that his mother was capable of doing these things.

I am being more positive towards his mother in front of him and encouraging a relationship with her. I wasnt like that at the start as I was consumed with bitterness and hate for the sitch.

Thanks for asking.

9

[♪CS♪]

Good job 9, you are making progress!

LITB has a good point, it is obvious the anger is still there, but for now "fake it 'till you make it." It is the best we can do sometimes. Not showing those emotions to your W is a great start.

M: W, son really needs you tonight. He is out of sorts and is feeling a little down,

W: Well Im effing tired , my back is killing me and I have worked 12 hours, I just want to relax by myself and watch a movie

M: Yeah but he wont bother you, let him watch a movie with you , its no problem is it?

W: Did you put this in his head tonight.

M: NO i did not. ( feel temperature rising but get it undercontrol) He just needs you tonight,

W: Why are you trying to make me feel guilty? Im a bad mother RIGHT?

M; Im not trying to make you feel guilty. You know he is going through tough times, IF you cant do it than there is nothing I can say. Its your choice.

W: Im a bad mother Right?

(honestly im at a loss for words) I say nothing

W: Well obviously your silence confirms this.

M: I dont know what to say. I guess all i can say is have a good night.

W: He just wants to come here and play his video games and then he yells at the TV. ITs nothing to do with me. I know him.

M: I know him as well and Im telling you, he just wants to be with you tonight.

W: WEll IM sorry but i am really tired. I cant have him tonight.

( I am so tempted to go by there and see if his truck is in the driveway but maybe he wont drive it this time, they hid the affair for a year so im sure he could be over there)

I am truly at a loss right now. Can she possibly put him infront of her son? I guess she may be more far gone than even I thought.

I know she is tired but COME ON! She always complains that her relationship with him is fragile, THIS IS NOT HELPING.

M: Okay, well if thats all , I can only wish you a good night

W: ARe you mad at me?

M: Does it really matter what I am ?

(her anger starts to show)

i dont know what she said but her voice inflicts and I just want to get off the phone now.

M: Okay, well thats it then.

W: Let me talk to oldest son please.

I suggest cutting all of this out next time. A simple "I understand, I'm sure you are very tired" would end it quick.

I know it is frustrating that your W did not want your S over. TBH, it amazes me. BUT, she will either feel guilty about that or she won't. If she does feel guilty, you either give her the option to blame you for the guilt or you don't.

I cant believe my W has let herself be controlled by him. She is 8 years his senior. I think she is going to have one heck of an awakaning some day and NOT believe what she has done.

You say this A LOT man. It is probably true. But right now it is reality. The quicker you can accept that reality and get this thought out of your head the better.

Sorry to hear your S is hurting. This has to be very tough on him. Just remember, you have to be the ROCK right now. Your W won't be, so who does that leave?

You and your S's first. I know you know this, but just a friendly reminder.