starting a new thread

[verysad2day]

So, as many know things were really bad for many months. OW was discovered 100% and that was the final straw. He left that night when confronted. I cried in private ect... Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since he moved out.

Over the last 4 weeks things have been great. We have "dated" ect. He always calls before coming over if he thinks I will be home. Sometimes he comes while I am at work to mow the lawn and clean/play with the dogs.

Yesterday I was sick, ok hungover from Easter (without him) Went to bed around 6pm. Woke around 11pm for some water. He was here. WTF ever, went back to bed. This morning he was still here.

Here is my issue: I have changed, he has not and I recognize that. I want my privacy. I would never show up at his house and sleep on the couch. He calls all the time. He won't leave me alone. I do enjoy our "dates" but that should not include NOT knowing when he will show up.

How do I say: Dude, lets get this marriage back on track but I need some privacy in the home YOU wanted to leave? And, while you are here, don't tell me that I should not have drank so much (I know that), don't tell me what I am doing wrong as far as anything. But, thanks for paying your share of the bills thus far.

I am starting to think that once I dropped the rope, he isn't the match for me. I would love for it to work out, but not the way it is working out.

He did find my book 5LL and took it, I think. Can't find it

[~¤DG¤~]

First of all, good for you for finding strength to move on and be happy.

Second, I would just let him know that since he moved out, you would like to be consulted/informed before he drops by. He moved out, he should not have the right to come and go as he pleases unless you have communicated to him that it is ok for him to do so..

[BTRGuy]

I's tell him exactly what you wrote. I'd be as nice as possible, but firm at the same time. If that doesn't work, change the locks and tell him you're doing it before hand and why.

[JustStunned]

VS2D, Wow, just wow…Pardon me for saying this and please don’t take this in anyway but positive praise….

Where is the pod??

Seriously it is good to read such a strong post.

I set a boundary about when my wife could stop at the house. I must be present when she is here. So far she has respected it. Perhaps you can do something similar, just be prepared for your H to challenge it. From past threads he seemed a bit childlike in his interpersonal skills…..remembering posts about temper tantrums.

Have you spoken to one of the coaches about this?

[MrBond]

Bottom line is... do you still want to be married to him?

[rysmom]

Bond
can u come over and reply to my thread. h has been doing very thoughtful things for me lately. Im continuing to GAL. Hope you are doing well. thanks.

[verysad2day]

Good question Mr. Bond and I do not know that answer. I wanted "it" so badly that my world fell apart for 4 1/2 months. But, now that I, too, have emerged from the fog I see things differently. I think I wanted him so badly, because he wanted/had someone else. Now that is kuput and he acts as if noting happened.

I wonder how many of us would even be the slightest bit interested if we bumped into our WAS on the street as a stranger?

What I do know is he choose to step outside of our vows and continue to live here and was happy to see me walking on egg shells and doing the daily crazy dance. Would I want to be friends with a person like that?

Everything happens for a reason. I have grown 100% during this crazy period in my life, unfortunately, he has not.

[MrBond]

Ah now you've fallen into the Catch-22 of DBing. You've done detachment so well that you've "outgrown" your H. In fact, your H sees that you no longer "need" him which is why he's trying to keep your attention. It's exactly what we said would happen when you pull away.

IMHO all M are worth it and both people can change for the better. Look at yourself. You've changed for the better and your H can too.

If you decide to work on the M, then I suggest this... Since he's over all the time, make yourself scarce whereby you really don't spend time with him. Do this for a week or two and you'll see that he'll increase his contact with you. When it gets to a certain point, tell him that if you two are to proceed, then he is to arrange for C for the two of you. If he doesn't follow through, then you know that you're at two different points and then you can decide if you want to stay or not.

If you don't want to work on the M, then cut him loose.

Put the responsibility of moving forward in the M on him. But don't put the responsibility of how YOUR life is run on him. You have the control now. You just have to use it wisely.

[verysad2day]

Ty Mr. Bond. I feel like the WAS now that wants to cake eat for awhile. It is a horrible feeling. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want my marriage to work and be a terrific one/one that we both can love and live with. However, I will not sit back and watch my life waste away wondering if he will cheat again. Something that I have to find within myself.

He is not the man I married, or even the man that I threw out 4 weeks ago (today). He is a lost and broken man. Funny how once a spouse is confronted with an affair the lose all the hot air in their head. The glamor, glitz and excitement is forever gone. They are left with the reality of who they are and what price they paid for it.

My H walked into reality immediately. I know it takes other S involved much longer. I do believe that they all get there sooner or later.

[MrBond]

Everything you're feeling is completely natural. Find some time to quiet those random thoughts and see what brings you the most peace. The fear about him cheating on you again is understandable.

Has he apologized and shown you REMORSE? Remorse is when the spouse is truly sorry for what they have done and goes through any means possible to assure the LBS that it will never happen again and they sincerely apologize for it. They are willing to be monitored, check-in, have their cell phone records checked, etc.

If he just brushed those needs aside and just quickly apologized, then he is only showing REGRET. Regret is saying "I'm sorry because I got caught. Not because of the hurt I caused my LBS."

The reason why you feel the way you do is because you don't feel safe with him. You feel you can't trust him and that he broke the security and intimacy that you felt only the two of you shared.

It is his job to rebuild that trust. And it is up to you to accept it or not.