This thing gets crazier by the day. I get so many mixed signals I don't know if it's her sending them, or my wishful thinking. Probably a little of both, I'm sure.
Went out to Easter brunch yesterday. She asked me Saturday if she was invited or not. I had told her SEVERAL times she was. She wanted to know if I thought it would be awkward. I told her it would be awkward either way, but she should do what she wants to do. She went, largely I suspect for our kids especially my D(23) who won't really talk to her much right now. At one point my brother made a comment about W wedding ring and I thought he noticed she wasn't wearing it. But when I looked, she had it on. Surprised the heck out of me. Kept it on all day, but when she left for work this morning it was back in its box on the dresser.
As for the OM, they speak on the phone at least two times a day - sometimes more. Usually on her way to work, and on her way home (at the least). With LOTS of texting everyday, around a hundred or so. She didn't seem to have any contact with him this Easter weekend that I could tell by the phone records. But I noticed they spoke this morning on her way to work again. Maybe he was out of town or something. Who knows.
Other than a little bit of a rough start Saturday morning, had a pretty good weekend. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn Saturday night she was coming on to me, even! However, nothing happened and the moment seemed to pass. I called this morning and finally retained a lawyer. We are scheduled for mediation on May 10, with the D supposed to be final on June 2. Hope I can come out of this without being fleeced to bad. Right now looks like I will be financing her decision to leave me to go be with another man for a loooooong time. Talking lifetime spousal support, which means until we both start collecting social security as far as I can tell so far. Thats another 20 years. Well, I'll try and not let it drag me down TOO much. LOL!
I'm still working out, going to church with my kids, trying to make new friends (recently joined facebook), got readmitted to college (have about 3 classes to get my bachelors, probably start back in fall semester), reconnecting with old friends, and reestablishing ties with family members. It's funny, I had kind of let my friends and family drift away because I had built my whole life around my W and kids. Now she is leaving, and I need to try and reconnect with those people that I let wander out of my life. I am trying to subscribe to the theory that things happen for a reason. I have to look at why this all started, and what brought me to this point. There has to be something good that comes out of this. And the 5 week countdown to the end of my M begins!
Still lots of mixed signals going on. I get text messages from her that are running conversations. Wants to tell me how her run when that day (training for a marathon - which she was talked into), how she was feeling at work (headache, stomach issues), etc. I usually don't answer them for an hour or so, unless they are important. Lots of friendly chit chat when we are both home together (weekends only). I know that it is probably mostly out of habit, or even acting like everything is ok, rather than have to actually discuss the matter. We have mediation in two weeks, and yet she still won't sit and discuss what we are going to do - even though I have asked. She doesn't really want to talk about anything important or that has substance. Just idle chit chat. She has always been this way, not wanting to really deal with a tough issue, just pretend that everything is ok and then hope it works itself out. And so it is with our M, and apparently our D.
Quick story - 2 years ago we had a lease on a 4wd vehicle. We have not had a car in 16-18 years. Always had either trucks or suv's. When the lease was up, she tells me that she is tired of those, and is ready to drive a car for a change. I remind her that we live in the country, and in the winter our road sometimes becomes impassable for cars - sometimes even for trucks. After much back and forth discussion about the pros and cons, she says "I really want a car". I tell her I think you will regret it, but it's your decision. So she buys the car, and proceeds to tell me for the next few months how much she likes it and is glad she got it. Fast forward to winter - she hates it. Hates driving in the snow and feels like she has no control without 4wd and occasionally gets stuck. She calls me and my son, and we go get her unstuck from wherever she is, sometimes she is stuck in our own driveway! Believe it or not, I never say I told you so. But she will usually say "I wish I would have listened and bought an suv or truck."
Why the story? Because now she seems to making a similar decision. One that is wrong and bad for her on so many different levels (not to mention for me and our kids). But she just seems hell-bent on this course of action, and nothing seems to slow down long enough to think. Not reason, not ration, nothing. I don't think it helps that she has the OM plus her lawyer/running friend (female) encouraging her. I just think it will be a repeat of her car buying choice. After a brief "fling" with a car, she will want her "truck" again. Maybe not. I guess we will see.
I opened a Facebook account a few weeks ago, and she found out about it this last weekend. She carried on about it and tried to make me feel bad. Said she was "surprised" that I would do that, with it being such a huge waste of time. Quoted me as saying that people who do that are such losers. Actually, what I said was I don't see how people can sit on their computers and facebook all day (ala my SIL). I explained (not that I needed to) that before I didn't care to, because she was my social circle, my best friend. I had let friends and family drift away and was ok with that - I always had her. Now, that is about to change. I told her I use it infrequently to reconnect or keep in contact with friends and family - that just because she is leaving I am not going to sit around and be lonely. Well, I hope not for long, anyway! LOL.
Well, we were supposed to go to mediation tomorrow (the 10th), but it seems we reached an agreement without going there. At least it seems that I won't be destitute, so at least that is good. Find out soon, the D will be final the first week of June I believe.
The W is moving out this weekend. Couldn't wait any longer to start her new life, I suppose. I think she's gonna be surprised with how difficult it will be - she is such a dreamer. I have always been there, right or wrong, to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces. Now, it's all on her. Hope she can handle it, but I fear a breakdown in her future.
Packing and leaving on Saturday - still hasn't told our kids she is moving out. They know that she has filed and we are getting a D, but they have no idea she will be moving out this weekend. She can't even have the decency to tell them. Heck, she even put her wedding ring on yesterday. Told her I was gonna have the locks changed after she has gone - she got a little mad! Told me it was not necessary. I told her I knew that, but things will be different now. Just can't stop thinking that she is trying to keep one foot in both "lives", so to speak. You know, keep one foot on the familiar and steady, while dangling the other out into the unknown. Not fully committing to either.
Well, she didn't move out. Asked me late Friday night if me and our 21 year old son would help her load her furniture into a rental truck early the next morning. I asked her how she would get it out and she told me she knew a "guy" that him and his friend would do it. I politely declined. I reminded her that I had said that while I will not stand in the way of you leaving and seeking a D, I will not help or assist you in getting one. She was livid. She screamed "I told you I was leaving" and then "you owe me". The latter being a reference to my truck being in the shop. She ran me over to pick it up (5 mins from our house). I tried to explain there was a little bit of difference, but she was irate. I asked her, even if I had agreed to help, how could she even bring herself to ask her own son to load up her stuff to help her leave her family. Her response? I'm not leaving my family. I said well you sure are not going on a weekend camping trip. At this, she paused and seemed a little confused.
A little additional info - less than 12 hours before she planned to move out, didn't have a rental truck reserved and didn't have not one single thing packed, not furniture, not clothes, not a toothbrush. Quite the planner! Even if I had agreed and my son and I helped, he had to leave for work the next morning. She actually wanted him to load her stuff and right before he went to work, and then she would have finished up with some small things and then left. He would have came home and she would have been gone. I just can't believe how shallow and selfish she has become. I guess what my lawyer said is true - I have to get used to the fact that the woman that is leaving and divorcing me is not the same woman that I have been married to. Man, ain't that the truth.
So for now, she is still here. Said she will have to line up a moving service to come and get her things. I suppose that I could have my brother come over and help me move her things. But I just have a hard time with helping her leave me. I know it will probably lead to me winning the battle, but losing the war kind of thing - but it's a hard concept for me to deal with. Sometimes that line between validate, support, agree with no matter what, and setting boundaries and sticking to them becomes a little blurry.
