Divorced but, NOT done

[iluvme55]

Well since I am now divorced thought I wold move into this new place....I dont know how how to move my threads over but not much different than anyone else in MLC forum.
I am now a divorced woman who still loves her husband.
Tomorrow will be 1 week since our div became final.
Mourning the death of my marriage....feeling pretty sad but moving on, I wish I could I turn back the hands of time , but that is just wishful thinking.
Can I ever really let him go in my heart?????
Can I ever fall in love again???????
And do I want to?????
I have heard he is marrying the o/w and will that maybe be the last time my heart will hurt?
How sad we have to come to this place....will my heart ever really heal....I pray and hope it does cause I cant do this anymore...
Irma

[christienick]

its a hard road - i think slowly over time you just have less bad days - but it takes years....

[iluvme55]

Journaling here at work....
I get so angry at the smallest of things.....I feel like I want to cry, have a tempter tantrum.....dont know whats going on .....

I thought I was detached, since we never see eath other or speak to each other.This time it had been over a yr when he came to get the div.I told him it had been that long and he was like wow it has been that long??? Stupid jerk..yes it has been that long ...to me it was an eternity....but to him it was just like yesterday.
I cant wait for him to one day go thru what he put me thru.

I feel lots of rage inside me....maybe been there all this time only now it is beginning to surface.
I feel like I want to just hit someone....
I know these are bad feelings but maybe posting here will help.
Since my journey I have not had these type of feelings and I feel I dont know what is going on....Irma

[christienick]

what do the kids think of all this?

[LauraOh]

ILMN--OK, you are divorced. It [censored]. There is no doubt about it.

I too will be D'd soon--I'm just waiting for the paperwork to come in the mail--any day now.

I could go on and on about all the things that worry/frustrate me/anger me--about not having a job, having 2 mortgages to pay, soon having no health insurance, etc. Having a big truck that I am paying a fortune in gas for, etc. I have a S15 who doesn't deserve this either. But it is what it is.

But here is the bottom line. Who do I want to be? Do I want to be angry, bitter, without hope?

No. I just refuse to be this person. I am working on me. A lot. It is hard work. But slowly it's starting to pay off. I have a picture of the person I want to be. I am working towards that picture.

I have surrounded myself with good people and friends. The best actually. This has taken time--I make sure these are people that respect my boundaries, and I am ultra careful to respect theirs.

I am back in school. I take it very, very seriously. I am going to have all As.

I don't let negative thoughts creep in. This is the hardest work I have ever done. But I have learned here that if you focus on the positives, they will increase. Same with negatives. Which do you want more of???

I have kept up the exercise I started during the "bombs" (I have been through 2 of them.)

I have started researtching coupon clipping and would like to start a group and have a hobby of sorts.

I have started volunteering with my local Hospice.

Do you see a trend? I am not sitting around waiting for my H to come back. I am working on me. This is taking all of my time/energy and I have very little time to worry what he is doing.

The fact is--he may or may not come back. But I will always be here. I'm going to work on what I know will always be here--ME!

There is really only one answer to this. One thing. It's to work on yourself. I can't emphasize that enough. You have to do things for you. There is no other way. If you want to hold out that *maybe* your H will come back, that is fine. But he won't if you don't do the work on yourself that you need to do.

See, by doing this work on you, you also get things like acceptance. Forgiveness. Wisdom and patience. These are all pretty powerful things. You may win back your H with those qualities.

Anger and bitterness and unforgiveness and rage? Won't get him back. Or attract anyone else either.

I hope that helps. Also follow threads that are written by strong people who "look for the positives". Brooklyn, over in MLC, is one of my favorites. If anyone has a reason to complain and be angry, it is her. But she focuses on the blessings.

And there are SO MANY!! If you discipline yourself to take your eyes off of the negative, you'll me amazed at all the positives there are.

It is hard work--blaming your H will keep you from starting it. Give up the blame and put the focus on you. Make your life up to you. Choose to always work on you.

What are some of your goals? Write them down and work on them. Writing things is very, very powerful. And checking off lists is also very, very powerful.

[Frosty Michael]

ILMN:

I'm not sure if I can give better advice that LauraOh's.

But I do recall being at work for the first time after I discovered my wife's affair and being just filled with rage with no way to vent it. And I really feel for you.

You definately have to focus on you, but the kinds of emotions we feel in these situations are very powerful, and I think venting is important, just don't let it consume you. One of the best things I learned from the various materials and support I got innitially was that we have more control over our emotions than we think. So you can choose to feel that anger and then focus on something positive like a goal.

Reward yourself. Plan something little enjoyable thing you're going to do every day. That way you can face the fact that your situation is awful, but you at least you have X to look forward to in X number of hours.