Hello all, I don't really know where to start. Maybe a little background. We have been together for 9 years. We have 2 daughters age 4 and 7. She is a stay at home mom and I work. I own my own bus. and make a very comfortable living. I found this site when I googled "my wife feels empty inside". That is what she told me recently. She says that shes not sure if we should be together anymore. After she told me that I did some looking at myself and I do realize that I've a. taken my marrige and wife for granted, b. been controlling, c. been emotionally unavailble to her. When I was not there for her she did come to me and tell me things that she needed from me (love affection, respect etc.), but I did't listen and kind of brushed it off. I really wish I would have listened then and not got to where we are right now. But so it is. Lately I have started to take what she said very seriously. I never helped around the house before but now I make an effort to do things without being asked because it makes me feel good to help. I take my kids so she can have alone time. Most of the stuff she has asked of me before. She says she is hurt and doesnt know if she can get over it. I try to tell her that I am changing because I see how I was making her feel and because I want to. I panicked when she said she doesnt want to be with me anymore and started to really cling on to her, which I realize was a mistake. She says she needs space and wants to focus on her. I repied that I am willing to work on our marrige but I need some help from her. She says that she can't put in any effort right now because she feels drained and empty. She doesnt know if she'll ever be able to invest in our M again. This all scares me so much. I love her and I want to be with her. I thought at first it might just be issues with her, so I recommended that she go see a counsler. She came back from that and said the counslor recommended seperation or divorce. I didn't ask what she talked about because I don't feel it's my place. Then we went to a MC but she said it just brings up more anger when we talk about our life. She says that she didnt realize how deep her pain and ager was, so we have not gone back though I say I would like to. So it can help us through this stuff. We eat together as a family, sleep in the same bed, were having sex up until recently. We say "I love you" to each other at night and at the end of phone calls and stuff, but I am not sure if it's just out of habit or not.She does notice and appreciate the changes and I plan to keep them up. We talked last night and I said that I am trying to prepare myself and accept that she will be leaving me soon, and I am changing to make myeself better for when that happens. Is it a mistake to make it seem like I think its going to happen for sure? I guess I just need to vent all this. I do have some questions though, 1. I plan on buying the DB book but I am wondering if I should tell her about it, or keep it a secret? I see lots of things on here about things to do, and i dont want her to think im just following a recpie. 2. I have started to detach myself from her, but this was one of the things that she said botherd her before. I have been trying to be affectionate because this bugged her before to but now I fell im smoothering her. So should I be addressing the things she wanted before or accept that she is past that and move on to being more distant and aloof so to speak? Yesterday I was super possitive and open to whatever she wanted, she said I was being weird. I said sorry nothings up, just in a good mood and whatever. Then later I broke down and told her I was trying some stuff to make her happy and want to be with me. I am sorry if I'm all over the place, but my mind is very clouded right now. Any input is very welcome and appreciated, and I will try to write more when I calm down a bit and am able to be a little clearer. Thanks for reading.
Buy the DB and the DR book and do the work in them.
This is a journey or as it's said here, a marathon, not a sprint. Things didn't happen instantly and won't be fixed instantly.
Mentioning that you are planning for the worst wasn't a bad thing. It may not have been helpful, but may have put some question into your W's mind that you don't feel her talk about S or D is idle threat.
What changes you make in yourself to be better are best shown, not told. And make them stick. Keep them. She's paying attention, she certainly wants to know that they are permanent and not some ploy.
Lastly, there is no need to tell your W that you are on this site, or reading DB and DR. If asked, be honest, but mention that you are reading and talking with people to help you work stuff out for yourself.
As an update, I bought the book and read a bit over the weekend. Then I talked with my wife... Not good. Heres a little bit of what went down. I've been trying to be positive and do stuff for me. My wife feels that I am being "fake" with her and my attitude. It is fake because it's not how I feel or what I want. She gets mad at the distance I am trying to put in between us. I tell her that I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she might leave me. Another thing that has been making her mad is that she says it feels like im just accepting the end and moving on. I tell her that I want the exact opposite and I am just trying to give her the space that she wants. I keep doing the little things that I know she appreciates and i tell her that I do it because it makes me feel beter to help out. Kind of true, but I am also trying to please her. She saw the book quickly and kinda flipped out because she thought it was about how to get divorced. Haha i read her the full cover and that seemed to calm her down a bit. I asked her to read it if she wants becasue alot of what's written really resonates with our situation. So far she hasn't picked it up. I also had a pretty low moment, I accused her of messing around or having something to hide with her facebook account. I almost wish there was something going on because then it would explain things. She also mentioned seperating again, to wich I replied that if thats what she wants then she has to leave because I am not going to leave my house for something that I don't want. She flipped out at that and said its BS because of all she does around the house and organizing kids stuff. She says it is getting worse now but I think that is because of the set backs on the week end. Can anyone tell me if I should be working on what bugged her before?(ie affection, appreciation, respect?) Or keep staying the course. Distance and positivity and almost ignoring the elephant in the room? Or should I just keep trying to give her what I think she wants? I mean I did know her before she changed right? I wish we could go back to being happy together, this all feels like an aweful dream.
I hate the emotional mind *F* my W is doing to me. Last night was a good night. I kept doing me stuff, which involved cooking. My wife said it was cute to see me so inspired by cooking ( made beef bourginon and creme brulee, so not Kd and hot dogs). The thing that I dont get is after dinner I cleaned up put dishes away and sat down on the couch. Read my kids a good night story and the W tucked them into bed. As soon as she was done she said to me that she wanted to just hang out in bed. I said sure then went up to bed. She read a book (not DB like I have suggesgted so many times). While in bed it was like things were back to normal. I laid there and got mad. WTF? She told me that she wanted to leave and not be part of this family and then when it's convient for her she's happy to be comfortable with how things are. Then lights out and she comes over and cuddles with me. Old me would have hated that. New me was so happy that she wanted to be close I just laid there and smiled like a goof. I enjoyed it to myself, but I was a little mad. Why should I let every thing go just because its what I want? My feelings are still hurt and I still feel like Im walking on eggshells. Arrrggghhh. Thanks for letting me vent.....
Advice Please, She was supposed to go on a trip to CA in May. It was a big deal to me because of my insecurities and such. She fought the issue and I eventually said it would be something that would be good for her. She said it would be good for the space that she needed. I had a hard time dealing with a vacation withouht one another but I have kind of come to terms with it. It will be good for me to let her go. Problem is, now the family member she was supposed to go with can't go. She now wants me to go with her. I said ok at first, but now I am not so sure. Its at no cost to me and I really want to go, but I can't forget how hard she fought me to go without me. I said to her that I'm not sure it would be a good time for us to go away together(b/c of where we're at). She says.. " but it might be good, who knows". What would you do in that situation? Thanks for reading and sorry for all the spelling mistakes.
Hi Dtcal, Welcome to the site and I am so sorry that you are here. I can offer you a little advice as I have read DB and DR, but I am new to the site and have only been DBing for about 6 weeks. Have you defined your short terms goals? Are they action oriented goals? How far have you gotten into the book? I would also suggest that you not pressure your W into reading it. I see 2 potential problems with it. First, she will not be open minded to any book that you force her to read. I know that was the case with my W, I tried pressuring her to read another book, not DR. Second, if she reads it, she may think that you are insincere in your actions and are just "playing a game" to win her back. It sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things. Your W is noticing the changes, but may not believe that they are real. As far as the trip to CA, I cannot offer any advice there. I will let that be handled by one of the veterans. Stay positive and you will get through this and be a better person in the end!
