Yesterday I did my first post – which I have been thinking about – I was looking at this wrong. I am upset with who he is dating but I really shouldn’t be concerned with that. I need to figure out what I need to do to take care of myself and in the process hope his fog clears and he comes to his senses. Below is my first post – I modified it a little bit – but wanted to tell my story. And if anyone has been in a similar situation I would appreciate any thoughts.
This is my first post so I will give some history on our R. We met 15 years ago. Had a rocky start but we were 21 and just having fun. Got engaged once. Broke it off – relationship ended for a while. Then one day we reconnected at a bar. Shortly after he was offered a job in a town 8 hours away. After initially turning it down I decided to go with – we were young then it was easy to pick up and move and I thought even then he was worth the gamble. So we moved away from our friends and family. Our relationship became better than it ever has been. We made a new home for ourselves, both had great jobs. Got married in 2006. Had a D in 2008. In 2009 H decided he wanted to do a career change and that he wanted to move back to where our family was. Not loving the idea I decided that it might be good for our D to be close to grandparents and I wanted to support my H. Once there our M fell apart rather fast. He concentrated on his career and I concentrated on our D. We stopped spending time together, fought quite a bit, stopped listening to eachother. In September, he stopped coming home. We just kept arguing and I felt like he wasn’t talking to me but it was actually that neither of us were listening. I was in my fog stage, in lala land believing things would just work themselves out. He brought up divorce a few times but I just let it go in one ear and out the other.
Sometime in December we had started talking about moving back to where we had come from a year and a half ago because he had been offered a fantastic job. He asked where I wanted to be if we didn’t make it. I said we should move back. I figured if we were going to make it work it would be back where I thought we had a successful M. From September to January things were so up and down. He tried to come back twice but now I know that he just cant come back – it doesn’t work that way. So we moved in the middle of January. On the way there we had to drive in a huge snow storm for 6 hours. Being a little stressed with the D in the car with me and him in the moving van, I started an argument that he says was the final one. He tells me that before the fight he was committed to giving us another try. So here we are living separately. I found the DR book about 2 months ago. It has been an awaking for me. I wish someone would have gave me this book years ago. I have been so blind as to how to how to handle a relationship and to know how to actually love my H and tell him how I need to be loved. But all this may have come to late. I found out about a month ago there is an OW. He was supposed to be spending time with our D – which he was – but then I saw the OW get out of his car. It was an accident I happened to be driving by. So I turned around and went into the restaurant. I calmly said “so now I know” and turned around and left. Since then he hasn’t told me much about her. We have had a few conversations but mostly it is me talking. He isn’t willing to let her go. On the positive side we are better friends today than we were 4 months ago. I am being patient hoping that he will come to his senses. He still says he is in love with me. I believe there is still a foundation there to build on.
One last thought is I want to maintain a friendship with him because of our D. But somedays I feel like he is playing both of us. My bday was in January – he finally bought me a gift this week. Each time we see eachother we hug. We even kissed once last week. We are doing lunch today. I want to believe he is doing this stuff becuz he cares and maybe somewhere in his head he is trying to rebuild a relationship with me. The OW lives 8 hours away so he doesn’t see her that often. I know distance makes the heart grow fonder but I just don’t know.
180...I have cut back on texting and calling but other than that not really practicing that technique. GAL... I dont really have a chance to get out because I do not have a babysitter or any family here so my D and I just try to keep ourselves busy when he isnt with us. He works so much he may have her 1 - 2 evenings a week but only until 8pm. Other than that to see her he will visit for an hour after work. I am working more on being a friend and showing him i care by carefully talking his love language (the counselor had me read the 5 love languages book). And showing empathy (which the counselor also suggested). This week is going to be tough though because he is planning to go see the OW this coming wknd. So I need to concentrate on not over doing anything or pushing in a way i shouldnt. I cross my fingers he doesnt go but that is probably a slim chance.
You don't need to have a babysitter to GAL for yourself, you can do it with your D. Go to the park, go to the zoo, try a new park. Join a Mom's group. The possibilities are endless.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Bad night last night. I am just so frustrated right now. We saw eachother yesterday morning. Everything was great. Then last night he was supposed to pick up D so she could spend time with him. He decided though to go out with a friend and not let me know. Which I was nice about but there was a different tone in his voice. Something changed. We also had plans today for the 3 of us to go to a local event - just for an hour or so together then he could spend the rest of the day with her. Well that apparently changed last night also. He was just not the same person I have been hanging out with for the last few weeks. It keeps running through my mind that he talked to the OW and she is going to push us apart again. Everytime he is going to see her and everytime he comes back he is a different person and is absent from our lives for a while again. Then again maybe it was a bad day at work but this is all so frustrating and I just dont know what to do. I am not sure I can handle him pulling away from us again. Especially seeing what it does to our D.
I am guessing though he is upset I am not letting him take our D to the OWs place for Easter. (Although I didnt put it that way). Our D and I have had a trip planned for a couple of months to go visit his mom and my parents - 8 hours away the wknd of the 30th of April. He suddenly last week asked if he could take our D back to his hometown (8 hours away) for Easter. I said I dont think she would want to make the trip 2 weekends in a row - I know I wouldnt. The conversation was dropped. Since then I have talked to Hs mom and she is not even going to be around for Easter. So apparently his plan was to take our D to the OWs familys place for easter. I understand she wld be with her daddy but she doesnt know the OW or her kids or her family. And they have only been dating a few months. So Im guessing the upset in his voice last night was he talked to the OW and they discussed how mean I was for not letting our D go back with him. So what do I do? Just leave him alone for 2 weeks now because I guess he is going to pull away from me again. It is days like today that I think I should just ask him for the papers so we can proceed with the divorce but in my heart that is not what I want.
