Hi, This is my first post but I have been here reading for several months. This is a summary of my situation.
My H walked out on me and our two children S16 & D13 in August of this year. He has moved in with his father. He has not talked to me about why he left - just said he was not happy. I did get the ILYNILWY speech but it was pretty much out of the blue. He has said that he will talk to me when he is ready to but not before.
Yesterday, H confessed that he had feelings for my best friend. She is married and has two children the same age as my kids and they are also best friends. My friend has also confessed to having a "connection" with my husband. Surprise, Surprise her marriage is having issues also.
This confession is not really a suprise to me because I knew that there was a reason he left. He says that is not 100% why he left - but I am not buying it. He had been very detached and easily angered prior to his leaving. We did have one conversation about 3 days after he left where we decided to take two weeks and then meet and talk about what we both wanted out of our marriage and what it would take for us to get back together. He came for the meeting but would not talk saying that I was not being reasonable.
At this point I know that this is just an EA and has not gone PA. My friend has confessed this connection with my H to her H. Obviously this has caused more stress in her marriage.
My H has been going out of his way to attend sporting events that BF's children are in but not even talking to our S16, he does try to keep his relationship with D13. He has apparently already created a new "family" with my BF and her kids, at least in his mind.
As I have been going through this for several months and have been watching H, I am pretty sure this is MLC in a big way. He has said that he has not been happy for years, we would not have married if we had dated longer, etc. We have been married for 16 years and I know my H very well. He has been acting like a totally different person. Very strange.
I am really just venting here. I know there are no easy answers to what is happening but I have not seen any other threads that deal with the EA being with the BF of W. Has anyone else been in this situation? The strange thing is that I am getting the message that I just need to be patient and all of this will work out for the better.
WOW. Okay. First, stop referring you the OW as the BF. She is the OW now, even if it is just an EA. She can't be both. I don't mean to upset you, but as Starsky pointed out, how do you know what is and isn't in their relationship?
I assume she is still with her husband? This indicates an unwillingness to deprive herself of security until she is sure your H is going to do the same. And this has been at a standstill for almost a year? Anger towards you is shame towards oneself. Is he still supporting you and the kids?
I don't mean to sound pushy, but clarify a few points for the others on this Board, and we will be better able to help in anyway we can.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
As of my last posting, I have made an appointment with a lawyer. At this point my H is still supporting us, but I am going to make that official. Since he left he has been depositing money in our account to cover the bills except for last month when he paid some of the bills out of "his" account. This is a major red flag to me so I am getting the lawyer involved now.
As far as the OW, she and my H are living in a fantasy world. He did not approach her until he found out that she was having marriage issues. She likes the idea of having my H in the background while she decides what to do with her marriage. I have had conversations with both OW and H. The OW is not willing to do anything that will upset her current marriage but is loving having my H pant after her. This has actually been going on since April of 08, when H approached her about an affair and she turned him down. They apparently had a year and a half of "no contact" but when H found out she was having marriage problems he stepped up to let her know that he would be there for her. Neither one of them seem to realize that 08 is three years and the year and a half they confess to leaves a year and a half to fill in. (BTW - I have all of this documented in emails from both H and OW which will be given to the lawyer) I am sure that OW has not confessed to her H that my H has approached her with the fact that he had feeling for her - just that she felt a connection with my H. It is so highschool. They are both getting a high on the "forbidden" relationship.
I have been through all of the DB processes without any response from my H. At this point he is a WAS. I have been through the heartbroken, weeping, clinging stages, etc. I became a person I did not know and really did not like because of the actions of my H. But I am back, got the book and started working on me and have had hope until the confession. My H has been stringing me along just enough to keep the hope alive and the door open. His confession has freed my heart. I am not willing to be his "backup" if he is not sucessful in his attempt to win the OW.
I have been concerned about the legacy that I would leave to my children as far as what committment to a marriage means. It is sad to lose the dream you have always had of your future, especially when the one person you thought you could count on no matter what, turns into someone you do not know and someone who you can't even have a sensible conversation with. The legacy that I want to leave for my children is that sometimes you can do everything in your power to make a marriage work and not be sucessful but that does not mean that you have failed.
My life has changed completely since my H left. I was laid off the first week in September so am only receiving unemployment - a drastic change from being the main bread winner in our family. I have gone back to school to receive a nursing degree, I have been an accountant for the last 20 years, so I am making drastic changes for me. I truly believe that God has put me in the place I am so that I can live the life he has in store for me. As sad as it is I would not have had this opportunity if my life had not imploded. I would still be working day to day just to pay the bills at a job that did not give my any pleasure but did pay well. I had three job offers within hours of being laid off.
I still love my H, but have gotten to the point that I can say if we are meant to be it will be, but it will have to be a completely new relationship. I can love him but I can also let him go. He has damaged his realtionship with our children to the point that they really don't care if he see them or not. The damage to our relationship is not repairable. It is so strange, he almost treats me like I am his mother but on the other hand treats me like I am his enemy. I am not going on the rollercoaster ride anymore.
My children are unaware of the OW situation at this point, but I will tell them after the meeting with the lawyer. The OW is someone they really like as she has been in their lives for several years as the mother of their best friends. This is going to be hard for them but I have no responsibility for putting them in this situation.
It is so nice to be detached enough to be able to function without having "what can I do?" thoughts. I am still angry and hurt but have gotten to the point that I know there is nothing that I can do or could have done to prevent or change what has happened. I am focusing on me and my children and letting my H do what he feels he needs to do without being sucked in. It took a while to get to this point but I can honestly say that in the end I will be a much better person.
My H will be completely suprised by being served with any paperwork because he does not realize that I am back to being me. He thinks that all he has to do is come back and I will be there waiting for him and we can just pick up where we left off. I have told him that is not the case but he is so far gone that he can't understand what I say.
I hate that this is happening but I have finally gotten my sanity back and am moving forward.
Thanks for the clarification. Okay. I think you are on the right track with making some more permanent situation boundaries. Seeking the lawyer's advice is not giving up, just protecting yourself and the kids. You sound sane and clear thinking, but very, very angry. Who blames you? We've all been there.
The best advice I could give you at this point is do and say nothing from a position of anger. Back off, give yourself 24 hours, and then re examine the motivation for any action. It will protect you from self damaging moves.
As to informing your kids, think about that very long and hard. They are very small, and are not only losing a grown-up they love, but their best friends to boot. This is a lot for them to process. Daddy and ______???? I completely understand your not wanting contact, but try to do it in a less obvious way, perhaps? Steer them in other directions when they request playing time. Distract them with new things and adventures. And remember, above all, this is not the fault of OW's kids either. They will be as confused and upset as you and yours. If you can get through the hurt enough to let the children continue their friendship, perhaps only at your house, by all means, do it. If and when this ever comes out, there will be plenty of hard feelings to go around. Be a bright spot in her kids memory, as well. It's asking a lot, I know. Think it over before having 'the talk' with the kids. JMHO
Thanks for your reply. The OW has already told her kids what is happening because her H had said no contact with my H, my kids, or me after learning about the EA. Our kids are ages 13 and 16. My H went to a sporting event for the OW D13 which caused OW H (boy this is getting confusing) to go bullistic and start saying "really ugly things about my H, is he stalking a 13 year old?, etc" so the OW "had" to tell her kids "what was going on" because she did not want them to think that my H was a "bad man." She has told me on more that one occasion that my H is a "good guy." Apparently neither one of them can see that a "good guy" would not seek to cheat on his wife or break up another womans marriage. My H is all for telling my kids so that they can make an "informed" decision about how to feel about everything and not hear about it through the gossip mill. OW has asked her kids not to say anything to my kids because she does not want to hurt my kids. Not sure how there will be a gossip mill if they are not seeing each other in public. (Which they are not, because this is basically a game to OW. It is making her feel as if she is special) All of this has happened since my H approached OW again. I really think the OW and H are both in MLC based on all of this. What adult plays these kind of games? The kids have not been hanging out with each other for a couple of months.
I am actually not mad anymore - really at peace since I have had my suspisions confirmed. I really thought I was losing my mind with the "gut" feelings I was having and that just added to my stress. I am just not playing the game by their rules. I don't want to drop down to their level. If they do not have a "plan" for a continued relationship I would be greatly suprised. It is all part of the game my H and the OW are in at the moment. They are bringing the kids into a situation that is way to grown up for them. My H is the kind of person who will not back down from a decision he has made - period - right or wrong. He is living in a different world. Asked me to please leave him alone as he is trying to study for a promotion exam and all of the drama is distracting him. I have not contacted him for the last three months except for things dealing with the kids. The confession came out of the blue with no promting from me - though he did say I had been pressuring him and he just wanted to tell me the truth. I guess the OW was doing the pressuring - I had no idea I was going to be told any of this until he called and started talking.
My talk with my kids is going to have to happen so that they do not get the "sugar coated" version from my H. I am not going to be ugly or try to interfer with their friendships but my kids need to know that they are not being rejected by their friends because of any actions my kids have taken. They need to know that OW H has forbidden any contact. BTW - my H said that he would continue to see OW kids no matter what anyone says or thinks. (The Alien is a very odd person) It is going to get ugly and I have no control over that end but I do have control over how my kids find out and feel that I need to be there to answer their questions and let them know that I have no ill feelings toward their friends, that all of the children are victims of this situation. That they are not at fault and that we will get through this together.
My appointment with the lawyer is not until next week so I will have time to clarify things in my mind. When my husband left we did have a conversation about paying for the bills. He offered to pay half of the mortgage, the car insurance, and the cell bill. At the time I was employed so that worked. In the last couple of months he has had the cell account blocked so I cannot "check up on him", I had not been doing that, and had the bill forwarded to his po box. He has also had the car insurance bill forwarded to his po box. He made a statement about money still needing to be deposited to pay the mortgage but has been paying bills out of his account - the cell and the car insurance. Our health insurance is through the company he works for so if he drops me, I will be uninsured. I don't have "proof" of a lot of things but the snowball is just rolling faster and faster and I need to protect myself and my kids.
The email that I have from my H where he lays out the timeline for the EA also has language that is basically threatening to me if I do not leave the OW alone. I have had two conversations with her since his confession and neither were confrontational and she contacted me. My H is way out in Alien land and I truly feel that he has a new life planned for himself and OW, at least in his mind. I am not sure that the OW is aware of that but would be willing to bet they have had converstions of "what if."
I know that my H is out of control - I am going to let him spin. It is all I can do. It is not my place to try to fix what is happening. It is my place to try to lessen the impact on myself and my kids.
you sound grounded and strong I know how much it all hurts- your decision to seek legal advice is a good one and to watch all money, credit cards and accounts I have known a few people with similar situations have happened with a friend and their H
our H become someone we do not know they will spend like crazy lie constantly and many of them become terrible fathers
have you stopped all contact with ow? continue to do what you are doing sounds more like tough love I wish I would have been firmer/ brought the affair into the open and filed instead of giving xh such a long time to explore his options with OW
good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Your story is my story. I can't begin to tell you the last time that I posted here....I rarely have time to even visit the boards anymore...but the people here brought me such comfort during a very difficult time in my life. And the title of your thread....I just had to read your situation.
There were a couple of things about some of your posts that I wanted to comment on.
You are wiser than I was to contact an attorney and get everything legal. Please stay on that course. At some point you may get the "I will always take care of you" or something similar...but that goes away after a while. I just paid some huge legal fees because XH decided he was too poor to pay child support for 6 months. And, yes...he did take care of us in the beginning...but the guilt eventually goes away and the money follows shortly after. Also, you mentioned that he offered to pay half of the bills. Please keep in mind that fair settlements, don't always mean half. It can be proportional to your wages. Half may not be a good deal for you if you were earning less. And now with your job situation....please, please continue to seek legal advice no matter what your H says to you.
The legacy you leave your children about marriage.....I said those same words. I have never said an unkind word about their father to them. But my children are very clear about my views on marriage and divorce.
Regarding talking to your kids about what their father is doing...should he be the one doing that? I knew what XH was doing with former best friend. And you and I are in a similar situation - families hung out together, we travelled together, etc. My girls loved her - thought she was so cool. But I got wind pretty early that something was going on - but never spoke to the kids about it. I figured that it was his story to tell, his relationship with his kids that he needed to worry about. He did finally tell them and it didn't go well and it has been downhill from there. I tried to fix everything early on, but finally, after hearing from two counselors that it is not my relationship to fix, let it go. And it is good that I did because I was damaging my relationship with them but trying to save their relationship with their dad. I am here for them if they need me, but I no longer act as the mediator for them. Your kids are similar in age to mine when all of this was going in. They will figure it all out. Your H is underestimating their response - but let him deal with it. These are his actions - not yours. Let him tell them about his behavior. Let him deal with the consequences.
Regarding OW, why speak to her...why take her calls? What can possibly be gained from that? It just drags you into their soap opera. Distance yourself from all of that. Take the high road - that will put plenty of distance between the two of you.
Continue reading DB. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't about saving my marriage, but rather about saving me. And it did. And please understand that you can control your actions and behaviors, but you have no control over your H's.
STC - I am divorced. XH is now married to former BF. He used to see his kids every other weekend and one night every week. Now he sees them for an hour each week. XH lives with his wife and her three daughters and has all but forgotten about his kids, so now his relationship with his kids is pretty bad. They don't have a kind word to say about him or his wife. While this makes me sad because I never wanted this for my kids, I now know that I can't do anything about it except be there for them if they need me. And I am sorry to tell you this, but you can't lessen the impact. I thought I could....but you simply can't. All you can do is be there for them and pick up the pieces. I hope you don't think that I am a miserable middle aged divorced person. I am not. My life is very good. I have a new job (used to work with H so I lost my job in addition to my marriage), my relationship with my children is exceptional now, and I have made new friends and am really loving life.
Did I want a divorce? No. I don't believe in them. I wanted my marriage to work out, I wanted to keep my vows. But XH didn't feel the same way. I DBed almost from the beginning, but to no avail. He never looked back. And while I didn't want this, it actually turned into a positive experience for me. It isn't always easy, but the bad moments are so rare now.
Continue coming to the boards here. Although I don't recognize most of the names, except peacetoday who is amazing, I do know that these people understand and will offer you what you need, whether it is advice, comfort, or an occasional 2x4.
I do hope things work out for the better for you...although sometimes the definition of "better" can change with time. My life is definitely better now and I never thought I would be saying that!
I have not posted for a while. I have been doing a lot of work on me. I ran into OW husband and our discussion solidified some things for me. Now I am trying to figure out what this means.
I felt when the "confessions" from my H and the OW happened a few weeks ago that there was something underlying all of this coming out when it did. The OW told her H about my H approaching her in 08 about a week after I told my H that OW knew we were separated (see my initial posting for more details but OW is my ex-best friend).
During my discussion with OW H today - he told me that OW told him that I said he would leave when he found out (I have had no discussion with OW concerning her telling her H anything). OW H is unaware that my H had approached OW at anytime after 08 - I did not think he knew that my H had recently approached OW again - right before her confession to her H.
I think that my H and OW thought that by being "honest" with both me and OW H that they would be paving the way for them to be together. They thought that OW H would leave and that I would blow up and go to OW H with my story. My H thought that we needed to tell our kids so "they could decide how to feel about what was going on."
OW H is not leaving. He said they are working on things but that OW had said that she "wanted to just be alone", etc., at different times since she told him what had happened. He said they are cordial to each other, but are trying. OW children know that she had some texts, phone calls, and a lunch with my H in 08. They asked her why she did not call me to tell me that my H was contacting her. They told her that she could have stopped with the text and phone calls and that she was at fault for going to lunch with and having any contact with my H. Regardless of what happens with their relationship it will be the OW leaving as her H has no intention of leaving.
Obviously OW H does not think highly of my H. We are both shocked that the two of them would totally disregard the affect all of this would have on the children.
I may be viewing this incorrectly but does this sound like two MLC people trying to manipulate?
I have no idea if my H and OW are in contact with each other or not. I have been as dark as I possibly can with my H - contact only about children and end conversations or meetings as soon as possible. I do have to see him at some ballgames but I sit with my friends and leave him alone - most people still do not know that we are separated.
I am not really trying to hide that we are separated but I "feel" that letting everyone know will actually pave the way for my H and OW to start seeing each other openly.
So, what do you think? MLC manipulation? or just stupid adults living in a fantasy?
