Trying to get serious about DB again

[hope2011]

Last thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...017#Post2145017

My thread on WAS - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...259#Post2137259

2nd thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...835#Post2132835

First thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...704#Post2124704


Hi everyone. I took some time off to deal with a death in the family and figure out what I want, where to go from here in the marriage.

Recap:

Married 2 years, dating 2 before that. My 2nd marriage (XH left for OW), his 3rd (he ended the other 2). He has 2 teenagers from XW1, no kids together. Perfect courtship, swept me off my feet, was Prince Charming. We got married and he turned into a toad with warts who couldn't care less about me, asked me to give up everything and who rarely ever had a kind word for me, much less a gesture. I nagged, felt neglected, betrayed, used, hurt. So I nagged more, criticized, tried to stand up for myself, didn't respect him. We fought non-stop for our whole first 2 years of marriage. MC after 1 year that was horrible and caused more harm than good.

In October, 1st Bomb, H wants a D. I started to DB (had 2 yrs experience from first marriage). By December we were back to laughing, talking, hanging out, ML, etc and the holidays were great. Little did I know H was "already seperated in his mind" and had "given up" and while I thought we were better than we had been in 2 years, he was on a dating site aggressively persuing anyone who would respond to him. Aggressively and desperately persuing anyone who would respond to him. Thankfully, few did. I found out about the site before he met anyone. I e-mailed every single woman he e-mailed, whether they responded or not, and told them he was married and that his profile was a lie. Yes, it made him angry, but no, I do not regret it. He also left me overnight in a broken vehicle because he didn't feel like driving to get me, as he was "done". This was after I spent every penny I had for Christmas for his kids and his mortgage payment (house he had before we married). He was cold, cruel, just downright hateful to me. I was devastated. He has yet to apologize for any of it. We did have many long, peaceful (though sad and very tearful) R talks in January and he seemed to change his mind and want to save the M. In February, I found panties hidden in on of his drawers. He swears they had been there so long that he forgot about them (ie before me).

I kept DB'ing. I have had slip ups, no doubt. I'm human. Some days I'm not sure at all I want the M or to DB but decided to keep DB'ing until I knew what I wanted. By February things seemed to be a bit better. Slowing getting there. Less arguments. One in early March. That's the last real fight. We get along though we are both still overly sensitive at times.. He has even said ILY first a few times. Having sex, joking, being friends. The kids on the other hand have been going off the deep end and acting like teenagers.

Biggest issues still:

* Trust - I've had a hard time getting over everything. I had trust issues before him, now they are magnified. I don't trust him or myself. I struggle daily with this.

* Boys - they have stressing out both households for the past few months with attitudes, disrespect, grades. They never see me and H fight, have no clue what's gone on. Our biggest issue with them is their mom doesn't follow through on discipline - which makes us the bad guys. Added stress on H.

* Jobs - H got laid off again. 4th time in 3 years. Money stress makes it all work.

* Boundaries - I have a hard time with these. I have a hard time standing up for myself. Oh I get angry, I have a mouth. But obviously I'm the type of woman men thinks it's ok to cheat on (since they all have).

* Snooping - that trust thing rearing it's ugly head. I occasionally check his e-mail, browser history, etc. Most of the time it helps me a lot to relax, sometimes it has bit me. I find junk mail in his trash and freak out.

* Did he cheat? - this one has been the hardest. In my heart, I know he cheated. I'm a smart woman. But I don't want to believe it because it makes it harder to DB, to try to save the marriage. So it's an unknown. Which is probably for the best because if I knew 100% he cheated with proof, I can't stay. I cannot forgive that.

* 180's - I've been slacking a bit. I haven't been cleaning as much or working out for the past few weeks. I've been under the gun at work and having a hard time keeping up.

So here we are now, mid April. Day and night from December but I'm still scared. H has been trying really hard. He's been a lot more attentive, less complaining, less losing his temper, more supportive, etc. I've been trying to work past the dating site/panties/etc stuff and move on. Go or get off the pot - DB or leave. I can't be halfway committed. All in or nothing at all. I am so scared I'm going to get my heart broken but I'm going to try my best to make this work and to forgive him and move forward. But I need my BITS help. I know I can't do this alone.

[ninelives]

Hope:

The trust issue is huge. Without it in a M , what is left?

Despite my W cheating and being with OM, I believe in my heart IF she ever wakes up, she will never do it again but that may be me with head up butt.

I am very sorry you have to go through this but you alluded to having to make a decision. You know what that is. You have to GAL for you and hope that he comes out of his Fog.

Then it sounds like you have lots of hard work to do.

All the best hope.

9

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi Hope-

I am pretty new to the boards so I am not too familiar with your sitch, but I hear ya on the whole trust issue. I have trust issues also, and I deal with them each and every day.

I really wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you to make you feel better, but I don't. Just know that I am here to support you and that I care.

[hope2011]

Thank you both. H isn't a WAH anymore, at least not a true alien. He is here, trying to make it work. I guess we are piecing but that board is forum is pretty lonely. I think my trust issues wouldn't be so bad if we had R talks other than "are we ok?" "Yes were ok". I feel needy, need validation. Not good DB. So I really struggle here. H is trying but he's leery of my changes too. I need to GAL more, build a self esteem. I have a fake one covering massive insecurities and self doubt. Fake it til you make it.

[~ kd ~]

Hey Hope.

I'll say that the question of "what do you want?" will come up soon.

What do you want?

Is your trust issues causing your M downfall? IOW, it's like if you say he's cheating on you enough times, eventually he will and you'll have your reason to leave.

I'd say you DO need to have those R talks. Tell him what you need from him. Ask him what he needs from you. And then DO.

Check out Tony Robbins' "six human needs" and see what might be missing for the both of you. Maybe that will help you piece what needs to be done.

[hope2011]

I want the H I thought I was marrying. Now I'm trying to accept who he is and let go of the man I thought he was. So I guess I just want to be happy and feel loved and safe.

H isn't ready for R talks. I've tried a few times and he's not interested. Maybe he thinks it will be all complaining about him. With jobs and money stress, he can't handle criticism.

So today a problem came up and I'm struggling. Actually 2 problems.

1. H's BF and his W are being thrown a baby shower and we ate invited. H's XW2 will be there. I'm worried H will leave me alone there while he hangs out with the guys.

2. Spring break is next week. When H made good money he and the boys would go on extravagent trips. Now we barely pay bills. We promised to go help his elderly parents paint and the boys to move furniture. They moved a few months ago into an unfinished house. He just had hernia surgery and she fell and broke her hip. Now H has decided we should go on vacation, spend Easter at a theme park instead of church or family (mine), give his parents just 1 day of help (paint won't dry to move furniture) and spend 3 days at a theme park, hotel with 2 spoiled whiney teenagers who haven't earned it, won't appreciate iit and will complain the whole time. Which will put us in bad moods. Dpending money we don't have and risking our mortgage payment. I'm trying to be an adult and he's ditching responsibility. I told him nicely that I think we need to skip a vacation and keep our word. He's been sulking all day now.

[islander]

Are you and H seeking any kind of MC, or talked about going. It sounds like her wouldn't want to go.

Have you read 5LL. It is a very good book and easy to read b

Just thoughts. I don't have any real advice to give these days.

Be your best.

[hope2011]

We went to a horrible MC over a year ago who made it worse. H won't go to another one.

H is trying but still very skittish and has alien moments. I still walk on eggshells.

[2stepboogie]

Hope:

Nice to see you back after such a long absence. I see you have made some progress I also see your setbacks. I suppose the key words here is patience and consistency.

You are going to slip along the way as long as you do not lose sight of your goal and you keep trucking along you will be ok.

The trust issues is prob in both directions. When you come so close to the end and then start working your way back any wrong move can send you spiralling downward.

Both of you are prob pretty guarded.

1 day at a time.

Again nice to see you back

[hope2011]

2step, you hit the nail on the head. We are both guarded.

1 day at a time is my new mantra. Thank you.

180's this week....

H bought up vacation ideas again. I stuck with "I think we should go to your parents and help them like we promised, try to save some money and spent Easter with family. We can start to save up for vacation this summer and do something the boys will be excited about". He pouted, he gave me the cold shoulder for 3 hours. I didn't get upset, I didn't argue, I validated his need for a vacation (he just went golfing with his buddies 4 weeks ago and I gave up a business trip to save money). I didn't argue. I stayed upbeat.

Took the dog for an hour walk while H was sulking. Good exercise for both me and the dog and I got some looks from guys driving by... the ego boost was much needed. H still hasn't kissed me, complimented me or made me feel pretty in a long, long time. Going to stop waiting on him to make me feel pretty and get in shape and feel better about myself with or without him.

More cleaning this week.

No sweetclothes all week.

Party yesterday was ok. The XW didn't show up so that was easier. I made myself be more outgoing and talk to people so I wasn't standing alone. H only left me alone once and only for 10 minutes. H's BF is a really nice guy, very family-oriented, very kind and considerate of others. His W is a piece of work. When she said "I'm going back to work after 2 weeks" (they hired a nanny) because she "can't deal with a baby all the time" and will be back to traveling non-stop for work... I just smiled. I didn't roll my eyes or respond. Of course in my head I was think "Dear God, SHE gets to be a mom, but I don't? Really?!!?". And I didn't let it bother me all day.

Our area was hit by all the tornadoes so it's been a very dramatic weekend around here. But for once, it wasn't M drama.