H OW has so much baggage

[krit]

This is my first post so I will give some history on our R. We met 15 years ago. Had a rocky start but we were 21 and just having fun. Got engaged once. Broke it off. Decided to move 8 hours away where he was offered a job – we were young then it was easy to pick up and move and I thought even then he was worth the gamble. So we moved away from our friends and family. Our relationship became better than it ever has been. We made a new home for ourselves, both had great jobs. Got married in 2006. Had a D in 2008. In 2009 H decided he wanted to do a career change and that he wanted to move back to where our family was. Not loving the idea I decided that it might be good for the D and I wanted to support my H. Once there our M fell apart rather fast. He concentrated on his career and I concentrated on our D. We stopped spending time together, fought quite a bit, stopped listening to eachother. In September, he stopped coming home. We just kept arguing and I felt like he wasn’t talking to me but it was actually that neither of us were listening. Sometime in December we had started talking about moving back to where we had just come from because he had been offered a fantastic job. He asked where I wanted to be if we didn’t make it. I said we should move back. I figured if we were going to make it work it would be back where I thought we had a successful M. From September to January things were so up and down. He tried to come back twice but now I know that he just cant come back – it doesn’t work that way. So we moved in the middle of January. On the way there we had to drive in a huge snow storm for 6 hours. Being a little stressed with the D in the car with me and him in the moving van, I started an argument that he says was the final one. He tells me that before the fight he was committed to giving us another try. So here we are living separately. I found the DR book about 2 months ago. It has been an awaking for me. I wish someone would have gave me this book years ago. I have been so blind as to how to how to handle a relationship and to know how to actually love my H and tell him how I need to be loved. But all this may have come to late. I found out about a month ago there is an OW. He was supposed to be spending time with our D – which he was – but then I saw the OW get out of his car. It was an accident I happened to be driving by. So I turned around and went into the restaurant. I calmly said “so now I know” and turned around and left. Since then he hasn’t told me much about her. We have had a few conversations but mostly it is me talking. He isn’t willing to let her go. On the positive side somehow in all this we are better friends today than we were 4 months ago. I am being patient hoping that he will come to his senses. He still says he is in love with me. I believe there is still a foundation there to build on. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week on why he is with the OW. (I found out information from SIL)She lives 8 hours away. Has 2 kids by 2 different men. I am not planning on moving back so he can be with her and I don’t know if she is willing to leave her kids and move here or maybe the fathers don’t care if she moves the kids here. They did date in HS. H brothers won’t talk to him and his mother is very disappointed. I don’t know what to do – what he chooses and who he dates will affect me in the long run and it will definitely affect our D. This does not sound like someone who is a good catch. If I have to let him go he could at least date someone without so much baggage and who is responsible!
My dilemma today is if I should talk to him and be an opposing view on what he is doing. I would want my friends to do the same for me and I don’t know who he has to talk to. Of course my real motive is to get them to end the A but right now I just don’t want him to be the 3rd daddy.

[~¤DG¤~]

Ugh-I can truly feel for you in your sitch.
Welcome to the BB, you will find a lot of support here.

As for the OW, I don't know if talking to him about her is going to get him out of his fog. I mean, if his family hasn't been able to get through to him, chances of you doing it are slim.

It is good that you read the book. Keep reading it and applying the techniques to your life. Make sure you GAL & work on your 180's. At least for your own sanity.

[Confused423]

Krit,

I can tell you that you can talk to him about the OW until you are blue in the face and it will not make the least bit of difference. All he will hear if you start giving him reasons that he is WRONG is that you are trying to tell him how to feel and believe me...that is NOT going to work.

I'm with DG! Work on GAL and your 180s...it's the best chance you have for YOU and your R. Unfortunately, we cannot make them see that their choice is wrong through words, it has to be through actions. Remember that it takes 21 days to form a habit (I think I read this somewhere on this forum)...so make today DAY 1 =)

Keep posting and others will be along to help you out. Maybe make this your journal so that you can get all of your emotions out!!! Keep looking forward and everything will be Great...one way or another =)