I've been lurking here for a few days, recently found the site and ordered a couple of Michelle's books. A lot of you are going through very similar sitch and it helps me a lot to know that. I'll try to make this as brief as possible and fill in details as people request them. Together 9 years, married 3, no kids. Back in Dec, W seemed disconnected, I asked if we were drifting apart and "no, we're fine, everything's good". Me (assuming it was all in my head) took that as an answer. I started hearing rumors about the OM from friends and coworkers in Jan. W and I talked in mid-January and she said that's she not happy and hasn't been for a few months. I asked her if she had any idea why she is unhappy and she said "everyone I work with says you don't treat me well and I'm a fool for staying with you". I asked her if she could give me some examples and she listed two small incidents from the week before. She said that she would cut off all communication with the OM while we worked on things. I immediately started doing more around the house to help her, paying more attention to her and begged to go to a MC. She was adamantly against MC, I then suggested reading some books on the matter. I read them within a couple days and asked her to, she said she wasn't ready and that she had to take baby steps. We avoided R talk and just focused on enjoying time together. Towards the end of Feb, I asked her if she thought we were on the right track and her response was "I guess things might be a little bit better". This was very disheartening bc of how hard I had been working on it. I told her I wanted to see an IC bc I felt like I was at my wits end, she became very upset about the idea of me seeing an IC, so I canceled the appt. The rumors became much worse and early in Mar., I confronted her with evidence of a EA and some form of PA that was actively going on. Neither one of us got really upset, I told her that I was done playing games and she just told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me at all anymore and left. She stayed with her parents for a few days and then moved in with a coworker (not the OM). We talk on a fairly regular basis and see each other a couple times a week. She says that she has cut off all ties with the OM, but needs to figure herself out, she has no remorse for the EA/PA and says she thinks she has this bad streak that she has repressed for too long. She has cut off most ties with family and any non-coworker friends. Communication has been slowly dropping off every week she is gone (I do not bring up R talk at all anymore since she left). I do not initiate texts/phone calls unless it is necessary (bills, schedule changes, etc). She has agreed to see an IC and has a few sessions in. I don't know what to do and appreciate any feedback. I am working on GAL so I don't come across as needy/clingy. I felt like I was forcing her into spending time with me, so now I just let her know if I am doing something fun and she is welcomed to join if she wants. I just recently started this, so I will see how it goes. Great forum and I appreciate the help.
Welcome to "the process"... the process of GALing, disconnecting, DBing, and figuring out that this is NOT a chess game... this is real life... and in real life, there's some tough challenges...
Aside from what you have been doing for you, what are your goals? Why are you here? What do you want? Some of those answers might appear obvious, but I and I'm sure others, would love to hear them...
And as Douglas Adam's liked to say... "Don't Panic!"
It just raises your anxiety and blood pressure and is generally not helpful.
Well, as far as GAL goes, I have started to reinvest time in hobbies that have been ignored for years. I have reconnected with friends that I haven't seen in a while. And, this may sound really bad, but I am truly enjoying the time to do my own thing without my W. I wasn't at first, I would sit at our house alone and wallow in my own self pity about how my W, F'd me, but not now. I do miss her, and I would like to start working on the sitch with her though. My goals are pretty simple. I want to become a happier person, I don't want a D, but have accepted it as a possibility, I've been trying to find ways to stop thinking about the sitch constantly. I would love advice from people who have had success with that. Even when I preoccupy myself in an activity (social or hobby), I have trouble getting it off my mind. Thinking about it constantly will not do anyone any good, I know that, but am having trouble putting it into practice.
Journaling a little bit tonight. I have been dark for about 3 weeks now. There has been very little noticeable signs of improvement as far as the R goes, but my life has gotten much better. I feel happier than I have in weeks, maybe months. This time alone has really helped sort some things out in my head. I have been able to spend time with old friends that I haven't seen in years. She came by and took our pet last week, that was the one thing that was tieing me to the house. At first, it hit me a little hard bc I knew she had no intent of returning home anytime soon, but now, I realize that it has taken one responsibility off my back. It has also allowed me to travel and not worry about taking care of anything else other than me. I still have not detached completely, I know that will take some time. I may be a fool bc I know that I will love her until the day I die no matter what happens, but I have also accepted either outcome as a possibility. I know that I will be fine in the end and I will emerge from this a better person. I really appreciate this forum and all the great people on it. I'm glad to see that I am not alone on this journey. The support helps immensely.
