Cautiously optimistic

[Mach1]

I understand what you are saying, and yes....you DO have to feel these things. Use them for fuel to propel yourself forward.

What about your childhood caused these feelings ?

How did they define who you became ?





Since you are at the Library anyway....

Google , Co-dependency....

There is a great book on this subject, that is worth the time to read.

DG, you need to dig and find what defines YOU.....

Oh where do I start??? Having an emotionally distant functioning alcoholic of a mother who never had a kind word to say to us...EVER.

Yea....kinda there.....

Did you find the book ?

Have you checked into Al-Anon ?

Your past isn't your fault, your future is.....

[Croppin]

I so very sorry you are feeling low today. We're here with you and you can do this. I like the if you can't take things day by day, then hour by hour and even minute by minute if you have to. Hugs.

[~¤DG¤~]

Mach-
Your last line really spoke to me. It is so true.
My past isn't my fault, and if I continue down this path I'm going to ruin my future. I don't want that. I don't want that for me and I don't want that for my kids. They deserve the best of me. I deserve the best of me.

I have made a lot of positive changes. I've let all my anger go, and I am more loving to everyone around me. That was a big problem for me. The even bigger problem is my self image and self esteem. I have to work on that.

I know I do.

I don't know how to start. Can someone please give me a tip on how to start. Seriously, I need to be told how to.

I have read about co dependency and I know that is what I am. I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't.

Wanting and doing are two different things.

[Mach1]

I have made a lot of positive changes. I've let all my anger go, and I am more loving to everyone around me.

For someone that cannot put a positive thought together....

That sure looks like one for today....





Jus sayin...

[~¤DG¤~]

You got me there......

[~¤DG¤~]

My goal tonight is to enjoy my time with my S10.
He is being promoted in Kyuki-Do to his green stripe and is very excited.
My goal for myself is to keep my cell phone off during the entire promotion and not turn it on to look to see if H has texted.

I want to be in the moment. I'm sure as heck going to try.

[dl443322]

Hi DG, my friend Mach asked me to stop by and I now know why. Forgive me for not reading all your posts.

My mom was an alcoholic. She passed away 10 years ago. I had a horrendous childhood because of it. She never had a kind word to say to me. For a lot of reasons. I will go into it if you need me to.

I then married a man who was very controlling. Nothing I did measured up.

Here's what I know now. Two of the most important relationships in my life were people who I allowed to make me feel unworthy - for almost 50 years.

I dont feel that way anymore. For a lot of reasons. First, I found a good therapist. I went on antidepressants for a time and because of some very special people on here.

Here's what I learned. That people like us, who feel that way,need to find people who mirror back to us something different than what our mothers and in my case, my h, did.

We need to find people who see us for the people we are. And I needed to forgive them. They did the best they could. It really wasnt about me at all. It was about them and their insecurities.

It took a long time and a lot of hard work for me to get to where I am now. But, oh boy, was it worth it. Still not all the way there yet, but, miles away from where I was.

So, if you are not seeing a therapist, try to find one. You might need to go on meds for a little bit. And if you do, it might take a few tries with different ones. Doesnt make you weak to do it, it takes courage.

And you have to work on changing your mindset. Pray, read, do whatever you need to.

And start to realize that you are so much more than just a wife. You have children who need you and love you, friends and family that do, too.

Your children are watching you. They are watching to see how you are handling this. They need to see you come from a place of strength. They need to see how to navigate through life's challenges. And they need to learn it from you.

So, try to remember that you are important in this world. You are worthy and special. All of us, each and everyone of us are.

Silence the voice of your mother in your head. Find new mirrors.

Start today to try to figure out who you want to be. Look at people you admire and see what it is about them that want to emulate. Figure out those things you want to change.

And then, everyday, strive to be that person.

Some days you will be, some you wont. But that's ok, as long as you try.

The changes you make need to be real. They need to be for you.

And it doesnt hurt that your h will see this new DG. One who is confident and positive.

Pick one thing. I went back to school and got my associates degree at 50 years old. I learned how to fix things in the house. I never used to travel alone or drive very far. I do now.

I showed my son that sometimes life isnt very fair, but, that doesnt mean you can give up or rise above it.

So, DG, what are you going to do just for you this weekend? Even if its just a new haircut or new hair color.

You can do this. One day at a time if you must.

Come on now, get to gettin'.

[~¤DG¤~]

Brooklyn,

Thank you so much for responding to my thread. You have provided me with a lot of valuable information.

My Mother still is a functioning alcoholic. I love her to death because she is my Mother, but I don't like her a lot of the time. She is very negative and pessimistic, and means well but she talks before she thinks.
When I told her that H and I separated her first words were "A man doesn't leave a woman unless he has a woman waiting in the wings.". Followed by "I would have kicked him to the curb months ago."

As you can see, very supportive. And she wonders why I refuse to discuss this sitch. I have kept away because I have enough negative thoughts on my own I don't need her adding to it.

I guess you can say the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

I am in counseling, have been for almost 4 months and my therapist is amazing. She really has helped me. I feel so good after I leave, and it sticks with me for a few days.
I am also on meds too. 2 of them to be exact. One for anxiety and one for depression. They are helping me also. I still have moments, but I don't feel as out of control

Please...keep talking to me. It helps a lot.

[dl443322]

Sweetie, good for you for going to a therapist and going on meds. I was on two, also.

My mother was the same. Called me horrible names. Never knew which mother I was going to get. I know for most of my life, whether I had a good day depended on what kind of day she was having. I remember praying every morning that today was going to be only a two drink day. Not a very good start to our life, was it?

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldnt measure up. She always, always found fault. I was too much like my father's family. They looked down on her because she came from a poor background and was uneducated. I tried so hard to make her like me. Got straight A's, was quiet, never did anything wrong. It didnt matter. I didnt realize then everything I did was just making her feel badly about herself. I was a little girl, of course I didnt realize it. And it was her stuff, not mine.

So, I worked really hard to forgive her. For me. It was an important thing to do.

And you know what? I know she loved me. I do. When she was in the hospital, dying, it was me she wanted there, even more than my sister, to whom she was so close.

DG, your mother has an illness. She probably had a difficult family life. She has her own insecurities and an inability to deal with them.

If you try to look at it that way, it helps.

Do what is best for you in terms of your interactions with her right now. If it is best to pull back, then do it.

Try to see yourself through your children's eyes. See yourself as others see you. Realize that you are a good person.

This all takes time and hard work. But, when you get to where you need to be, it is all worth it.

Put your marriage safely in a box and store it away right now. Your h is on his own journey. Let him take it. You take yours.

You will be glad you did. You have a wonderful opportunity right now. A chance to figure out who you are and who you want to be.

Take it.

[~¤DG¤~]

Brooklyn,

Where were you 2 months ago, LOL. I am so thankful Mach directed you towards me. You have been most helpful.

I do love my mother, I do. And I have respect for her also. I just don't want to be like her. She also had a hard family life, her mother was an alcoholic. The majority of my aunts and uncles are alcoholics. We don't have family reunions because someone usually ends up in jail.

She has her routines and to this day I know them. I know never to go to her house on a Saturday because that is the day she cleans her house and nothing, I mean nothing stops that from happening. Saturdays at the beach? Nope. Not my Mom. I am 34 years old and even I know to not be at her house when she gets home from work because she's always in a bad mood. Always.

I'll admit, I picked up a lot of her negative habits. My house had to be spotless or else I would freak out. I'd come through the door and start yelling at everyone to pick up their stuff and keep the place clean. If my H forgot to do something, oh boy would I give him h*ll.
Everything I didn't want to be, I became.

But I know I'm not that person anymore.

My kids are with their Dad 50% of the time so I have them every other week. The first week they were home after H left I was so grateful to have someone to come home to. I didn't care that they threw their backpacks on the floor and ate an entire bag of chips. I was grateful that they were there, waiting for me. I almost cried walking through the door.

Those are the things about me that I know have changed for the better.
I used to walk around, so angry inside. Angry at what? Myself mostly. I wasn't happy with me, my life, and my H became my emotional punching bag.
I don't want anyone to be my punching bag.
I don't want my kids sitting on a therapists' couch in 10 years complaining about what an awful mother I was. That is one of my biggest fears, and I'm changing that.

I bet I haven't yelled at my kids for almost 2 months. As a matter of fact, I know I haven't. My oldest son even made a comment about how I don't yell anymore.

It takes too much energy to be p*ssed off all the time.

So anyway, thank you for your imput. It helps me more than you know.