Indeed, I agree that you should keep it simple, even just one word: "Good".
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Be very kind with your words and brief with your answer:
Hello H, the kids are all great. B
I agree with you it's interesting that you got a cordial reply with the word "our" in it.....very interesting!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thanks for all your input, and I agree about the simplicity. I slept well, without thinking much about the email, and then this morning I realised that I don't think I want my h in my life any more. Yes, I cut him out because of his hostility, but now? I was considering the possibility of a friendship [not a reconciliation!!] and it gave me no pleasurable thoughts at all.
Even a year ago I would have been very interested, but the length of time and the pain of the divorce. . . . . this isn't anger or hostility from me, but something else. I may have moved on while I wasn't looking! LOL
From the limited contact that two of my sons have I think he is turning from alien/pod person into hollow man. And I have plenty of friends. Always room for new ones, but of my choosing. I find my emotional state rather sobering if that doesn't sound odd. I so desperately wanted my xh to wake up and return, for such a long period, and now I don't even think I want him as a 'friend'.
You know Beatrice, I think we eventually adapt to what our lives become after our spouses leave. We get used to living it for ourselves. We no longer have to take anyone else's concerns into consideration. We don't have to deal with anyone's likes or dislikes. All we have to consider is pleasing ourselves.
H and I, had what I considered a very good M up until about 2 years before BD. I have no interest in wanting the man H turned into back.
I am so glad you have finally found peace and happiness in the new life you've made for yourself. It's a goal I strive for.
Thank you for staying on and sharing your journey with the rest of us.
SA, thanks for this. I am still a bit surprised by my feelings. Or lack of them. My marriage was good until about 3 months before BD. Very happy, although signs of MLC were there if you knew how to look. Even H sometimes admits we were happy, but it depends very much on which way the wind is blowing that day! It is nearly 6 years since his behaviour towards me changed radically, and although I see people reconciling after that sort of time, in my case my feelings have not so much changed as disappeared. Maybe I am due my own MLC!! Rewriting history, and all that stuff.
I believe you when you say you don't want XH even as a friend. I believe you when you say your life is complete without him in it. Everything you say is correct. BUT, I still think you should wait those few days and send the simple text answer to his question. Only you can allow it to become an ongoing conversation. Just do it out of courtesy; the same as you would do a complete stranger. You don't have to be even friends, but if there is a chance of at least being not-enemies, I think you should grab it.
I don't know where this advice stands in the way of DB'ng. I'm not espousing that at the moment. That's over and done with for you. I just think you will be more at peace if you answer the question and then let it drop. JMHO!
Punkin, yes, I have every intention of answering - for several reasons - firstly I am usually a very polite person, and would reply anyway, secondly, it would be a gracious thing to do, and thirdly, I have no expectations, and therefore have no reason NOT to reply. Since I am in control of my life as much as any of us are!], ss you say, I will not getting sucked back into anything.
My life is not complete without the person my h was, and I miss that man, as we all do here - I am like a widow in that respect, in that I have learned to accept my loss, but that is another matter.
I am not dbing. I made the changes that I think I needed to make, or am making them, as an ongoing process, but that is for me.
Beatrice, it is so comforting (in a twisted kind of way) to hear so many of us going through the same thing. My husband of almost 15 years served me dissolution papers this week. His anger toward me has been out of control and has been for months. He had the affair, he stopped tryng, he has been mean, all the while I have been an "angel wife" so to speak. Some of the things he has told me.
1. Married 15 years, always knew you weren't the one. 2. Not compatible, never have been 3. I have had an awakening and am not wasting my life anymore. 4. The entire 15 years has been a waste of his time. 5. I bring out the worst in him 6. He hates my personality 7. He says I make his "skin crawl" 8. Blames me for everything and takes responsibility for nothing. 9. Done the standard re-written history and cannot remember any good times 10. Acts as if he will be relieved to get away from me. 11. Says his life has no meaning as long as he is with me. 12. Admits to being close to commiting suicide over some of our marital situations (of course all my fault). 13. Says he is going to take care of #1 from now on.
He has unresolved childhood issues, anger issues, depression issues, etc. Of course none of these are recognized by him. I have actually said to him many times "It seems like you resent my existence"
I have had so much guilt over the man that I love wanting to run like H*ll the other direction while I am left behind loving him with all my heart and all the while him knowing in his heart I am worthless and unloveable.
I love the phrase someone said on here, maybe even you, that they don't hate you ,but they hate the image that they painted of you in their head. That hits so close to home.
Beatrice, know that we are all here crawling through the same muck. We have to find our worth through each other.
