And so I begin this journey

[Croppin]

Well 4 weeks ago yesterday I found out about the OW. I'm just now reading DR and feeling much better about myself. Wanted to tell everyone hi and that I'm thankful for finding this site. H and I have been together 28 years, married for 23 with two kids. I firmly believe he is in a MLC because he is saying some pretty ridiculous things such as "people would think I was crazy for just leaving for no reason, that's why the affair is better" when asked why he didn't just leave prior to blowing up all our lives.

The OW is very different than I right down to the nose piercing which he says "yea, that's a minus." This coming from a professional in a conservative occupation. He is thinking of moving into the basement and staying in the home at my invitation. Says it is all up to me because that is what he has always done. Hard emotional decisions have to be made by me. Says D scares the hell out of him, but he will not stop seeing her. We still have one son at home that had been diagnosed with ADD 3 weeks prior to me discovering the affair. So yes, I've been parenting (mostly on my own) an undiagnosed ADD kid for nearly 16 years. It did take it's toll on the relationship. Me feeling unsupported, H feeling ignored apparently.

I'm better now. Took up running losing weight, signed up for 5Ks. After giving my all in compensating for all of the people in my family, it is me time. I don't know if DH is testing me or trying to passively aggressively trying to get me to change or just holding on until OW becomes available (although she can't get a divorce because her mother wouldn't accept it....right).

I'm excited to continue reading DR this evening. So much to think about.

[dbmod]

^

[ninelives]

Welcome croppin. Hang on tight because if your husband is truly in a MLC, you will experience things that Rod Serling would have been proud to produce.

The key for you is how do you navigate this. Check in often, post , journal whatever you feel but do check here alot.

I m certainly not a vet yet but I am learning. Great at giving advice but not really good at following some of the advice.

Here I believe are the most important things about DBing.

1) Learn all the lingo on this site so you can understand.
2) NEVER react with emotion. That is where I have done most of my mistakes. Let time pass before responding where possible.
3) Listen to the VETS. Even thought you know your husband best and every sitch as a life of its own, dont dismiss the wisdom of many people on this board as they have been through it before and some continue.
4) Give up only when you feel it is time to do so. Dont listen to friends and family that dont know what you want. Nobody on this board will judge you and tell you to give up on your marriage, they will tell you things that sound counter intiuitive but only you know when enough is enough.
5) Dont take things peronally here. Nobody is trying to hurt your feelings but unlike your friends, sometimes its important to be told like it is whether you like it or not.

All the best to you Croppin,

You will hear from more people and BTW, I know you are new and probably feel intimidated giving advice, but the more interest you take in other peoples threads the more you will get back.

Its almost like real life, the more you give the more you receive.

9

[sandi2]

I wouldn't count on this being a test from your H, but you will be sorely tested on this journey....if you decide to work to save the M.

You sound like a spunky gal to me, and I like that! I bet you are a survivor too. You will learn the tools you'll need in that DR book and you'll get the support you need here on the board. I hope you'll stay with us.

I read something in your post that I could identify with you. You said, "Hard emotional decisions have to be made by me". He told you everything was up to you, like it always had been. I know how that feels. Over time, it does take a toll on a woman and you have to be the strong one and take care of "everything".

Come talk to us as often as you can.