Ambivalence!

[Very Confused]

I posted my sitch in the MLC forum and got very little advice, so I'm trying the newcomers on for size!

Quick rundown of what's going on. I'm 35, WAH 33. Married a little over 3 years. He came home and dropped the "ILYBNILWY" bomb on 1/25/11 out of nowhere. Just a month previously, we had celebrated our 3rd anniversary with a nice week long vacation. I thought everything was going great. I would take stock on our relationship every so often because he had expressed that I was "mean" about 6 months prior. 1 day before the bomb, he was texting me how much he loved me and how great of a wife I was to him.

Our lease renewal to the apartment was due in only 6 days when he came home and told me that he would be leaving when the current lease ran out on 3/31. Previous to this, he told me we would renew for 1 year and the lease was just sitting on the table ready to sign. He told me "you make good money, you'll figure it out"...so I had to decide in 6 days (with me working 3 of those) whether or not to move or renew my lease. I wound up renewing for 6 months because I wasn't ready to start looking for a place yet. I honestly don't even know if I want to remain in this city. He insisted on keeping a set of keys and the garage clicker. The fact that I make more than him was a HUGE issue for him.

I am an RN and work 12 hour overnights on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My H had expressed displeasure over my schedule, and I was trying to change that, but I'm a new nurse and no one would hire me until I had acquired one year of experience. I always worried that my schedule would cause problems, and sure enough it did. We both knew and understood that I would have to work weekends for at least the first year and he claimed he was ok with it, or so I thought. H says he is not seeing or interested in anyone else, but there is perfect opportunity to do so! He wound up taking a 2nd job on the weekends so he wouldn't have to sit home alone.

The 2 months leading up to our separation, I DB'd my butt off. It really didn't help much. It was like talking to a brick wall whenever he would bring up R discussions. His mind was 100% set on leaving me and although he said he would think about staying, I knew in my heart he was going to leave. He is a "runner" and would always throw the D word out there if we had a small fight. He has family, abandonment, trust, and jealousy issues. He went back and forth on whether or not he wanted our separation to be a trial one or not. He refused to tell me what about me was making him so unhappy until about 3 weeks before he moved. He told me I was selfish, jealous, and kept a dirty house. I wish he would have admitted these things earlier! I could have done something about it all. He isn't telling his family about our separation and is still wearing his ring. I think he's not telling anyone so he doesn't look like the bad guy. His family really likes me and says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. I just wished he felt the same way.

A few days prior to leaving, H told me that he had noticed all the positive changes I had been making over the past month but he was afraid that I would revert back to the old person. I told him that this is the new me and I really meant it! I told him that I was seeking IC and gave him information to seek IC for himself too. He agreed and then out of no where, said that he would like to go with me to an appointment for MC. I was floored. BUT I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth! I don't trust him at all. I guess I'm the one with abandonment and trust issues now and it makes me so angry!

He moved, as planned, on 4/2. I came home after working 12 hours to an empty house that looked like a hurricane had hit it. There was sh!t strewn about everywhere. I wound up calling in sick to work..I can't separate my home life from work at this point, and this worries me. I work in the NICU and I can't have an off day. My head has to be in work mode constantly, and it's just not right now. I had asked if he could move on a Sunday, so I wouldn't have to deal with this and then go back to work that night. H refused. He said that the entire relationship had been "all about you and now I'm going to be the selfish one." Wow, nice.

I had been working on detaching for the 2 months that he was here after the bomb. I thought I was out of the woods the day I came home and saw all his stuff was gone. I broke down, but woke up feeling ok. The mornings of the "punched in the gut feeling when I remembered what my life had turned in to" was gone. One minute I am so angry I could turn into the Hulk, the next minute I want to file for a divorce and just move on and start dating. And the next, I'm crying hysterically holding on to one of his shirts I found in the laundry. I think about him and what he is doing every second of the day. Is this normal??

I'm trying to GAL, but I don't have ANY friends in this city. We moved here last year for my dream job, so he is all I have here. He swears to care about my safety so much, yet he left me all alone in a huge city. I don't know if I can move past this and forgive him for that.

I've gone completely dark. I have not texted or called him. I told him that I would never initiate contact, and I am sticking to that. It's so hard though. I automatically reach for my phone to call or text him. I miss him and I'm miserably lonely. I haven't talked to him since Sunday night when he came over to pick up the last of his stuff. Even the cat has been looking for him! My heart is broken..yet I have feelings of anger and hatred. I wish I could fully detach. My 1st IC appointment is tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. I had one session with a DB coach, and it was amazing, but I just couldn't afford another one.

I guess I'm more journaling than anything right now. Gotta get the post count up so I can get out of moderation. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. I read the forums every day and they have helped me so much. Thanks for listening!

[dbmod]

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[~¤DG¤~]

Welcome to the newbie board. You will find lots of support here!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like your H is behaving like a child.
He should have understood how erratic your work schedule would be.
No nurse gets hired to work M-F during the day when they finish school.

Good for you for DBing, and keep it up.
If you can, maybe get involved with a book club or some other kind of group that holds your interests.
It would be a good way for you to stay busy and also meet new people.

Keep posting....it seems like someone is always around.

[sandi2]

So sorry for your pain and this situation you're facing. You may feel alone there in the city, but you will not be alone here. There are many people here on the board that are in almost the same stitch as you, and everyone can certainly be supportive.

Have you read DR yet? I'm sure the coach told you about it.

Detaching and not pursuing him is what you need to continue doing. Wait for him to contact you, then be friendly but not clingy or desperate acting. Don't discuss the R. If he talks.....just listen. Agree when you can....validate when you can.

When you're home and feeling lonely....come here and talk to us. Reach out to others on their threads. It will help to build your support group.

Take care of yourself. That's important!