Divorce in the middle of Dbing

[Redo]

DBing is great way to hopefully get back your life...

But what if you are going through the divorce process initiated my your WAS and you are trying to DB.

I am in this situation. Unfortunately the unassumingly mundane process of the divorce is so filled with strong emotions that i am finding it extremely hard to do any DBing at all (GAL, 180's etc) or lead any normal life.

I am wondering if others going through this process are feeling the same. If you are going through the divorce process and in the middle of discussing child-custody, asset sharing and child support/alimony payments, are you able to lead a normal life? . Are you able to do any DBing at all?
If you are able to do this, can you thrown in some pointers that could help others. If you are unable to do this, how are feeling stuck?

[Brian in Hville]

Karma,

I am going through this now. My sitch is different in that we don't have kids together. My W and I sat down one night and figured out what each of us wants. For me to go through this and not freak out, I have had to tell myself that my W has to get this D for her to get better and heal. Then we can start a new R. I am trying to be her friend when she needs one, other then that, I concentrate on me and fixing my problems. I spend more time with friends and meeting new ones.

[Redo]

Brian, i think you really hit this one home "For me to go through this and not freak out, I have had to tell myself that my W has to get this D for her to get better and heal. Then we can start a new R".

Everyone who knows that i want to get back with my wife tell me the same. They feel that until the divorce happens wife will not see what she is losing. I sometimes feel that is true. But sometimes fear gets the better of me. Fear like what if she does? What if she meets someone? what if i change my mind?
I just have to learn to live in the present i guess.

Thanks!

[jbnati]

Karma,
I am also going through this. I don't think I am quite as far along as you are at this point.
I am employing the LRT. I backed off immediately when she dropped the bomb. The GAL has been critical. I have worked pretty hard on it, and it has paid dividends as far as my mental health is concerned. I am also trying to use the whole D process as an opportunity to show her we can still work together as team, and that I care very deeply for her. A big 180 I've done in addition the things I've done to GAL is addressing conflict directly instead of avoiding it. This was a big issue in our M, but now we're forced to deal with it, unless we want the whole D process to be more unpleasant than it has to be.
I am desparately hoping that the process will turn around at some point, but if it doesn't, I've been working hard on myself, and there's little doubt I will be the better person because of all this.

[JustStunned]

Karma, right there beside you brother. GAL and DB are what is keeping my BHG (head) screwed on tight.

Doing things to distract me, improve my self worth, identifying and working to correct my part of the issues accountable to the breakup of our R is keeping me sane. It is helping me detach.

The more detached I am the more dispassionate I become about the D. The more energy I have to GAL. I have managed to turn this into a positive feed back loop. You can too.

It is not all sunshine and rose gardens. I crash also, but the more successes I have the faster I pick myself back up.

I cannot control the process leading to this D. I have input to what I think is fair to me. I have an L as a dispassionate third party charged with protecting my interests. I can control what I agree to.

[Redo]

Thanks for your feedback JS and Jbnati.

I think one of the reasons this is hard on me is because i am representing myself. No L. So yea i do have to deal with my wife and her L on the gut wrenching aspects of the divorce. That and the fact that we have a small child who i think does not deserve a broken home. I don't know why i am being affected by this so much and not my wife. She thinks its perfectly fine for our daughter.

[jbnati]

It stinks that our children and us don't have a vote in this whole thing. However, I have heard our Ws are feeling a lot more than they let us see, and I believe that.