well, I keep just moving around these boards...first newcomers, then piecing (well, I thought I was) and now here after some very dear friends encouraged me to.
In a nutshell - 18 years with the same woman, 16 years of that married. The last 5 have been a little rocky (8 if you ask her) and the last 2 years especially bad.
It started when W started working nights at her hospital job. I never saw her and was disconnecting emotionally. At the same time, I got an assistant at work that paid me the attention I was looking for. Talking led to texting. We had work lunches and one dinner. I did start to get emotionally attached to her and told my W the entire time - possibly a cry for help.
The EA ended when I could sense that the assistant wanted to take it further. I did not bc of my respect for my W and my M. But that's when the problems happened. The assistant stepped up her pursuit and ended up getting me in more trouble at work. She twisted words and ended up using them against me as I got fired for sexual harassment. Was I blameless in pushing the envelop? Not sure. Was I guilty of harassment? Absolutely not.
Needless to say, after the firing, my W started her exit strategy. She said we were on shaky ground and I entered AA immediately. A lot of my problems were alcohol related and 90 meetings in 90 days really "cured" me of that. I'm not an alcoholic, I realized after all of those meetings, and I did control my drinking. I barely touch the stuff anymore. I began to change my focus - used to be career, career, me, career, kids, wife...It changed to God, Wife, Kids, Life, Career.
I thought I was doing pretty well. After about a year, the W was getting anxious to move from CA. It was expensive there and none of our family was there to help support us. I was still making some money but nothing like I was prior to being fired. The thing that was preventing me from wanting to leave was I had too many prospects for my career. I didn't want it to be a priority but it was still important.
Last Christmas was the beginning of the end. W dropped the bomb right before we left for Ohio to visit family. I got DR and DBd my tail off. I found out she had been texting a guy for quite some time and I called her on it. She denied anything but went to Ohio to interview for jobs and look for potential new homes.
At that time, I trusted her and thought that moving the entire family was the right thing to do. I decided to give up my career temporarily (it's all in LA - entertainment) to work on my family and my M.
W got a job and a house that was big for all of us. I still didn't believe she wanted the M to work but she assured me that if she didn't, she wouldn't have gotten a big house.
The days leading up to the move were traumatic. I didn't want to leave my home and my career but thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was showing her ultimate sacrifice and change.
We moved. On the way, I totalled my car, while she flew home ahead of us - I drove me, two kids, two cats and a prius filled of luggage 1400 miles in 2 days. Just more huge sacrifices.
We arrived in Ohio this past sunday. I see W and it seems that things are pretty good. Then monday happens and my W was replaced by a venom spewing alien. She tells me by phone that she wants a divorce. I'm not even in Ohio for 24 hours and she says the typical, "I don't love you. I'm not attracted to you..." all that crap.
So now, I am completely at a loss. I have no idea what I want to do, what I should do. My kids, my stuff, my W and my life are all gone. I'm living with my parents out of a spare bedroom with hardly a dime to my name.
(just 2 short years ago, before this all started, I was nominated for an Emmy award...life was fantastic...now this)
Her history? My therapist who was treating her said she was acting like a teenager and that she hadn't fully developed out of that. Maybe her moving back to her hometown was a horrible idea for our M...
Weeks up until our move, she got on the pill (I'm snipped), she lost a ton of weight, got new wardrobe - totally different and much sexier - started walking around the house in a bikini with headphones on, and texting like a little teeny bopper would.
I suspected an EA going on and even called her on it (before the move) to which she denied.
Well, after we did move, she said that she had a couple guys "lined up" and that she wanted another baby. Just moments before she was telling me how I didn't support her going back to school to get her masters...
I know I wasn't the best husband but I never physically hurt her, treated her this bad or cheated on her. For this to happen, I'm truly at a loss and feel it's all a complete nightmare...
anyway...long winded and redundant for those who have followed me.
my goal now is to get my life back on track and have no idea how to do it. I've been encouraged to come here and get involved. I'll do my best for sure. I need to stay occupied to get my mind off of this but it is all consuming right now.
Talking to lawyers, dividing our stuff, watching the credit card balances, wondering where my mail is, knowing she's out with other men, knowing I won't see my kids every day...it's all just too much.
bolt
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Your wife does sound confused so very possibly going thru a life crisis that may have been triggered from your EA... I brought this over from your newcomers thread!
Quote:
I guess this is really where my confusion lies. What is there to "DIVORCE BUST"? I mean, I know it will be to help me but I've always had in the back of my mind that it will save my M and that's the true reason I was doing it.
I know that sounds bad but that's how I think. I feel I've lost and there's no way coming back? I mean, NAVY, did your wife file? Mine didn't even do that! She wants a dissolution - that's even faster! If she would file, we would have 6 months of dbing...but now I have less than 40 days.
I just don't see the point at this point.
At first DBing is about saving our M's...then it becomes about saving ourselves...it becomes a way of life...you DB for YOU.
Others will be along to explain that better! You might want to put a link to this new thread on your old one in nc's so that your friends over there can find you here!
Hang in there Bolt!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Welcome to the MLC board, Bolt. Sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive a lot of support from some very wise people.
Cadet should be along soon to give you some reading to do. The more you understand about MLC, the easier it is to detach and step off the roller coaster.
Can you tell us a bit about your W's childhood? Many times a MLC is rooted in something that happened in childhood or early teens. Many times children don't have the tools to deal with these situations and therefore the issue(s) aren't dealt with at all. Unfortunately, they do come back to haunt them, generally in mid-life when we tend to question ourselves about the life we've lived so far and knowing there isn't all the time in the world left.
The MLCer starts acting like a teenager and tries to turn back the clock and renegotiate that time they didn't get successfully through the first time around.
Usually the LBS can pinpoint a possible trigger that sets the MLCer off. I commend you for recognizing your EA before it went any further. You paid a very high price for that though and that combined could have triggered the MLC in your W.
That said, it would not have mattered if it was that or something else that triggered it. It would have happened anyway. There is no way to prevent it and no way to fix it for her. She has to do it by herself.
She is on her journey. Now, is the time you get to take your own. None of us are guilt free in the down fall of our marriages. Work on those things you don't like about yourself. Change them, but only if it is for yourself. Move forward with your life as if your W will not return. Be the best Bolt you can be for you. This way when you're ready for a new R, whether it be with your W, or someone else, you will not repeat those same mistakes again.
Avoid any R talks with her at this time. Come here to vent, we'll be here to listen and offer opinions. One thing you will find is that the advice can be counter intuitive to what you think you should do. Keep referring back to DR. Remember the only one you can control is you.
This is tough stuff, but I promise it does get better. Take care.
Can you tell us a bit about your W's childhood? Many times a MLC is rooted in something that happened in childhood or early teens. Many times children don't have the tools to deal with these situations and therefore the issue(s) aren't dealt with at all. Unfortunately, they do come back to haunt them, generally in mid-life when we tend to question ourselves about the life we've lived so far and knowing there isn't all the time in the world left.
The MLCer starts acting like a teenager and tries to turn back the clock and renegotiate that time they didn't get successfully through the first time around.
Usually the LBS can pinpoint a possible trigger that sets the MLCer off. I commend you for recognizing your EA before it went any further. You paid a very high price for that though and that combined could have triggered the MLC in your W.
I sure can. Her mom and dad were divorced when she was 11 - the same age my oldest is. They had an amicable divorce bc they simply just didn't want to be married.
She has told me in the past that she feels she missed out on something in life. She always did the right thing in HS and college. Always had a plan and never got to just be. We got married right after she graduated college so she never really got to live on her own.
She has told me that she feels controlled by me when in reality, not a single decision in our life has been made without very careful consideration on both parts.
I'm sure the EA did trigger this. I feel awful for that but do believe now that it would have happened anyway.
Thanks for the little ray of hope right now. I certainly need it bc most times, I feel none.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Its weird but I called her just a second ago to simply get stuff that was mine - new car insurance, my mail, my furniture - and she couldn't be more of a b!t&ch. I'm kinda glad. Makes detaching easier. Just a week ago, I would be consumed by that - her making me feel bad. Now I'm thinking...let someone else deal with her.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.( I undertand you already probably did this if so disregard)
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
