It is my opinion, not necessarily agreed-upon by my spouse (or even considered) that our issues have a heavy MLC leaning. We have been actively fighting about our relationship for about 1 1/2yrs now - since the last time that he seriously stated that he wanted a divorce. The first time was shortly after our first daughter was born. His father died a couple of years ago - and he turned 40 at the same time. Comments like - "I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life like this" and others - lead to partial MLC "diagnosis". Problem is, a lot of what he's complaining about he is correct and I can validate his anger and upset about interfering family (mine) most likely enmeshed situation - I am just (we are just) starting to research and discover this. I have made many changes that he insisted needed to be made - happily as I agreed with most of them. He invalidates changes and continues to list yet more changes that he cannot live without - starting to be issues that I cannot change and have no control over. Guess he sees that issues I can control I have and will. We have two wonderful children (8/10) and I did not sign on for this to be a single mom. They deserve better and so do both my H and I.
Sorry you find yourself here. But it is a great place to learn and grow. I'm sure Cadet will be by shortly. But just based on your post, my own opinion is that you are worrying too much about doing thing FOR your H. If changes need to be made within you, and you agree, then change for YOURSELF. Don't expect validation from H. If the change is something you truly believe is what's best for yourself, then that is what matters. MLCers can sniff out "fake" change like nobody's business. That's why changing for our spouse is NEVER the answer. Focus on yourself. Improve yourself FOR yourself. That's all you can do. You have no control over your H's thoughts or actions. This is not easy, and you may be in for a very long haul. Keep the focus on you and your kids. That way no matter what happens, you'll end up a better person in the end.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Welcome to the Board and your own thread. A few observations, if I may.
By your original post, you sound wired very tightly. I get a sense of definitely trying to keep you emotions under tight control. You are trying to confront this objectively and logically and intelligently. That's great, but dealing with a spouse in MLC is like trying to potty train a squirrel.
Nothing about them is either logical, objective, or intelligent.
I'm not saying "When in Rome . . .", I'm saying you will drive yourself nuts trying to keep all the ducks in a row.
The only ducks you need worry about at this time are your own. Detaching, while hard at first and at intervals, is the most wonderful thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids as a parent.
Do whatever it takes to mentally remove him from the picture in your brain as much as possible. It's you and the kids. Period. Removing yourself and the kids from his hurricane life right now is the most protective thing you can do.
Hang in there.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
