what do i do?

[grr]

my 9 year old s, has been really feeling the separation as of late
my h is usually with us until bedtime, and as soon as he leaves, the nightmare begins
he texts my h, gets very quiet, or talks to himself

we are seeking a good therapist

his teacher says he is falling way behind, will not participate with the others, complains of stomach pain, etc.............

my brother in law (who my h has the utmost respect for) called both of us last night
he said there is no way we should be thinking of divorce while our s is clearly in so much troube
after speaking to him, my h called me crying

he told me that he wants us to move in with him, but this in no way means he wants to work on our marriage

we have tried before and it didn't work

however, he agrees that we need to be under one roof right now

i am very torn,,,,,,,,,,i will do whatever it takes to give my s some peace, but my h was so angry about this

he said he hates to take this giant step backward, but will do anything for our s

he cursed the universe and asked why his s had to be so frail
to which i set a boundary right away i told him if that was his attitude, i could not have my child with him and that we would come up with another solution to help him
i was calm, but firm
he told me that would be the first and last time he would vent that way

part of me thinks this could be a step toward reconcilliation
the other thinks it might be a disaster, i need a moment to really think this thru

to be clear, he said it would be a very temporary thing
that we would get counciling for all of us on how to deal with this

goodnight or goodmorning, depending on where you are

[ninelives]

I dont know GRR. This sounds like a band aid approach and may even cause further resentment to your H. And now that resentment may extend further to your son which he may exhibit unconsiously.

This is a real tough call and one I am not qualified to make. But IMHO , I dont see this as a good thing. I dont see this as a step towards recon. but rather a step to further animosity towards you.

Please find out more about this before you make your final decision.

9

[lostinscared]

Grr...

I am so sorry for what your son is going through. I can't imagine the anguish that you feel watching your son fall apart. My prayers are with you.

I don't believe that moving back in with your H is going to resolve the issues. First, I see that there will be a lot of resentment in the household because of where your H stands in regards to the marriage. While we try to hide these feelings from the children, they are way smarter than we ever give them credit for. Ultimately, your S will pick up on those vibes. Additionally, how would he react if your H decides that your son is better and its now time to part? I just think that would be even more damaging.

Honey, I would be very concerned about you in that sitch as well. I think that this could be a very painful living sitch for you and stress you further. This would not be good ultimately for a possible reconciliation down the road. I can see a lot of resentment building between both you and your H.

I think seeking some good counseling for your S is a great idea. Family counseling an even better idea.

I'm praying for you, sweetie.

LIS

[zengypsy]

grr:

I have to concur with 9 and LIS. The last thing you need to add to your plate is resentment. That can be a big elephant in every room and it will leave you with no where to go. You will just add more stress which you don't need and you don't want that for your S.

I think finding a great C will be a tremendous help for ALL of you. The trick is going to be for you and your H to follow what the C advises. The application of the new tools is always the hardest.

Sending HUGS!

[JustStunned]

grr, I agree moving in is likely to build resentment. The statement about fraility was revealing. IMO H needs IC. Be proud of yourself for setting that boundary right away.

Counseling to bring your son some peace and help him adjust brings everyone to the table, but your son needs to be the focus.

I am so sorry this is afffecting your son this way.

[2stepboogie]

as someone else said.

What is the measure of your son getting better?

What is the timeline?

What if it takes your son 6 months or 6 yrs?

Is that something your H or you would want to do.

So when he does get better then what do you do?

Separate again and put your poor son through the same scenario all over again.

A lot to consider here.

Does it give you a better chance to save your M?

I believe it does

BUT

At what cost

[gr8 day 2B alive]

grr, sorry to hear your S is not coping well with the separation.

Moving back together would be a huge mistake.

Children need to see love from each parant. I have just started to read: Mom's House, Dad's House.
It may help you with your sitch.

Continue to show your S love. And let him know this has nothing to do with him.
Gr8

[ironMan]

What is your H's reasoning ...... that says you moving in with him until you leave again later will be better for your S? I don't follow.

Second, I wonder if maybe your H is just trying to avoid the consequences of his decisions/actions for awhile. Acting like a kid.

His decisions have grave consequences for his family .... and he needs to learn that I think. In any case, I think it would be very bad for any hope of a R. As someone else said, it will probably cause even more resentment in him .... and won't make you feel better either. So, what is the real benefit to your S here?

[hangten]

Grr in my situation my s (8) is always complaining of stomach pains too. We all live in the same house, sleep in separate rooms. My s picks up our rifts and tries to mediate more times than not. My S is old enough to see and hear what is going on. I have not said anything nor has my w. But kids pick up on every thing. My w has not slept in her bedroom since January. My w tells my s it is because her back hurts. My s tells me that he doesn't think my w is telling the truth. My w sleeps in my s room because she feels guilty and to get away from me. Your H needs to see the pain he is causing.

[PEI]

Grr ...

I hope I don't offend anyone too badly up there ^^^ BUT ... WTF? IMO discussion about whether or not this may or maybe not be good for the relationship is really misplaced. FTR, it would probably be the relationship's proverbial nail in the coffin. Your resentment levels would be nothing compared to the resentment your H would feel for not being able to do what he felt he needed etc.

This is about your son. Period. And NO, moving back in together would not be best for him at this stage ... if this is hard, imagine how hard a "fake" reconcilliation and then eventual break-up would be on him?

Try the book that gr8 is recommending. It doesn't have to be this painful for him, there are strategies and tools to help him through. Most important though is your ability to deal and respond to the ever-unfolding situation with strength and grace and honor. Teaching our children that life goes on, and that we can move forward held high even when it's hard, even when life doesn't go the way we expected is a gift to them.

(((hugs)))
PEI