well, all. I haven't been around for a while, mostly bc I've been super busy with a move across the country.
An update for the relatively new newcomers. After nearly 16 years of marriage, my W came to me in December and said she didn't love me and wanted a D. I got DB and DR and read like a mad man. We flew from San Diego to Ohio for Xmas and acted like a happy couple.
I db'd my butt off but a few weeks later, she flew to Ohio. She went to see if she could live a new life without me. She interviewed and found out that she didn't want to leave me but did want to go to Ohio.
We then made plans to move there as a family. I took a big chance bc my biz is mostly in LA. If I moved, it would be difficult to do biz but I wanted to choose family. We decided to wait until we moved 2 months later to do any work on the R.
Cut to last week. We packed up the house, moved everything and drove our two cars across country.
Just outside Denver, I crashed my car and totalled it. Nobody was injured but that left us with one car. She flew to Ohio while I took the kids (and 2 cats) with the car - 1400 miles in 2 days.
Sunday, we hung out at my parents house and it seemed that things were fine.
OH WAIT...let me add something...she had been texting, chatting, calling 4 different guys that she met on FB. These were all guys from her HS. I had bad feelings about it and we had a few talks about it. She assured me nothing was going on but I still didn't like it. I didn't know these guys and they shouldn't be talking to a married woman...
ok...now during the trip, we actually felt closer. She cuddled with me, gave me kisses and felt pretty close.
Then today...she CALLS me and says she doesn't love me, never will, isn't attracted to me, and wants a Divorce...
Needless to say, I'm still in shock. I thought she would at least wait a few months to drop that bomb. It seems she planned this alllll along. She simply waited until we crossed the border to say, thanks! See ya later.
I'm really in shock and have no idea what to do. I'm left in Ohio without my kids, my cats, my cars, my wife...
I never thought I could reach this depth of a low...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
WTH is going here? Has every WAW taken leave of their senses?
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Hey bolt, I'll have to get caught back up on your sitch, but I do remember you when I first found this place. The place we love to hate. Or is it hate to love? IDK
In the meantime, just checking in. Hang in there man.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Bolt, I have been with you since your first post. I too honestly believed you were one of the most skilled DBers and thought you were going to be the next success story after Denver. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I am not anyone you should be listening to right now. I can barely breathe without my soul pulsating with anger. What your wife did was awful and I would just avoid her right now. I would go as dark as you can while you process your anger. Last night as my ex-wife dropped the bomb on me I felt the anger coming so I asked her to leave. I am very glad I did that. Otherwise, I would have said something I could never take back.
Take a break from your w and your sitch for a few days. Take care of yourself and your kids and let her swing in the breeze for a spell. She deserves no attention right now.
I wish I had the words to help you with this, but I can't even get out of my own way right now...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I know I shouldn't post with anything remotely positive bc I know the next post will be completely the opposite (I've been on these boards for a few months so I know how it works)
I did think I was going to be a success story as well. You know what though? I still think I will.
If not for the marriage, for myself.
But as far as the marriage, I did talk to W last night and it went the whole gamut of emotions. It started out with her being very angry. She said she hasn't loved me for 2 years and that she isn't attracted to me. That I never listen and never will. I don't respect her feelings and have always tried to control her. I validated and db'd like a madman. I knew I was in the fight of my life and wasn't going to give in. She did start to soften and then let a little ray of hope. She said that until we started the actual move, she was feeling positive about working on things. But the trip "showed my true colors". I agreed that the trip was awful but I explained to her that it wasn't my true colors, it was my true fear. I didn't want to leave CA because it was my home. I was lashing out to stay even though I KNEW it was the right thing to move.
Then the car accident and nearly dying, put me in a pretty weird state of mind. So in short, I said, you can't really hold anything I did or say against me there.
She then went into the mode of me never trying and that she is simply done. She said that she has done everything she can and simply can't find any love.
I said that we, as a couple, haven't given it all because I am NOW fully here and fully aware of what is going on. I said that we deserve it to ourselves, to each other, and our kids to give it one last major try. One last push so that we both have given it our all. Together, working toward a goal, not knowing if it will work.
and believe it or not, she agreed.
We then got into a more agreeable conversation. How we would divide responsibilities during this time. She still wanted me to file in CA - with the caveat of canceling it if things were working in a month.
Now, I know, a month isn't a long time and it does seem it's just prolonging the inevitable but I'm looking at it as I have a month to start getting myself truly better. I get to work with her on it but realize it is for me. It's simply a bonus if she comes along with me.
I can guarantee one thing. I will work my tail off for this. I know what I need to change now. Can I? Only time will tell. They say sometimes its only when you hit rock bottom that you can truly bounce back. I'm 100% convinced this is my rock bottom. Divorce is a bounce - I want to be a better person regardless of a divorce or not.
the only big thing I have going for me at this point is that for some crazy reason, she wants to file in CA. I talked to an A about this and he said if I file in CA, then jurisdiction is in CA and therefore, the kids would remain in CA...we are in Ohio right now and can't file in Ohio for 6 months. This may just buy me 6 months of separation before filing.
Is it positive news? I'm not sure. I'm meeting with her today to discuss things further. Maybe being face to face will make more positive changes...I don't know.
What I do know is that certain people truly influence the way my wife thinks. I know that she talked to her sister about this and her sister got into her head. Its too bad bc if her sister cared about her and her family, she wouldn't put these bad thoughts in her head. It's just something else I have to deal with.
the long and the short is the story of Bolt isn't over. maybe of Bolt's marriage but definitely...DEFINITELY...not bolt...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
You have a lot of P1$$ and vinegor and thats what you need. We all do.
Talk about almost hitting rock bottom but still having fight left in the tank so to speak.
Very inspiring Man. I hope things work out with you W and you save your M but it sounds like either way, you will come out on top.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
PLEASE BE CAREFUL. You've been here before with her, and Bond and Sandi tried to warn you (yes, I've read ALL of your posts), and I simply don't trust your wife. Whether she's in MLC or simply still carrying on with other men (or both), she doesn't seem emotionally stable, and I'm concerned about her pulling you down with her.
I'm sorry this has happened. You had one of these letdowns before..although not this bad. JTB said this to me..."She is still looking at you, she will be looking for signs, its in your goals best interest that she doesn't see any."
It sounds like she saw some of those signs (of the old you) during the move. Of course when times are extremely stressful, it's easy to fall back on old behaviors. That is where you have to work the hardest. Same goes for her, when she's under stress she goes in a certain direction.
The good news is that the move is behind you. You now have a chance to return to the changes you were made. Change isn't' a light switch, it's like trying to turn an oil tanker 180 in the middle of a storm, but I think sometimes our Ws don't fully appreciate that.
Remember, I head the words "I'm done" and "I don't love you" too.
Are you going to MC in Ohio?
On a side note, the CA filing thing makes no sense. sounds like she's not thinking very clear, but do they ever? I don't know if CA would even let you file now that you've moved your residence. Like the L said, most states have residency requirements + there can be a waiting period. So you could be looking at a good year of time.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
