Am I doing everything wrong?

[hoswald]

You rock! That's exactly what you want to do, I think.

And I'm totally with you that it would be easier if I couldn't stand my W. Instead I spend all day fearing the return home... and then she's there, and we're laughing or working on the house together and it's just great except that she won't kiss me. She's even said "one of the few reasons I HAVEN'T actually divorced you is that I don't want to lose you as a friend."

And that it's-so-close-to-working-yet-it's-not-quite feeling is just absolutely TORTUROUS. We'll laugh at the same joke and I know in my heart that the woman I love is there under her own emotional walls and feel like I could just reach through them and touch her and hold her...

...but I can't.

...yet.

I still have hope. But like you, I mostly work on being the best me I can.

[Confused423]

I had a slip up the other day. He texted me early in the morning and I responded and it kept the conversation going ALL day!! UGH!! I can't believe how hard it is to ignore it. Oh well...tomorrow is a new day right?

I could really use some guidance....

[Confused423]

Krit,

I LOVE the quote!!

Try not to ask any questions about the R! I know that it is hard, but I have learned that if I will wait on him to bring it up then the conversation goes better. I think that we are supposed to avoid ALL R talk, but if they bring it up...i'm not real sure how to avoid it!! Maybe some of the vets can help???

Baby steps are good. I have had a lot of baby steps. The problem that I have is that when I have baby steps or even normal steps, I start creating these "he's going to come home" fantasies in my head and sometimes that sets me up for disappointments. However, I'm sure that everyone goes through that, but you just have to remember EXPECT NOTHING and you can't be disappointed =)

I am giving my little girl as much stability as possible. The problem with that is that she has attached herself to me and does not like me to go anywhere without her. It's frustrating because he is a REALLY good Daddy and I feel so bad for him that she has these feelings. It's just frustrating!!! I keep talking to her though and letting her know that even if I leave to go somewhere...I will always come back home. Reassurance and patience is the name of the game =)

I hope you have a good week!

[Confused423]

Hoswald,

Thanks for the kudos! I don't know that I deserve them though as I am just mucking through this as I go. Half the time I don't know if I am coming or going =) I have been in your situation (except my H had an OW). I know what it's like to live in the same house and feel so far away!! I finally got really tired of it and told him that I thought it was best that he moved out. In a lot of ways it has been really good for us, but it has been really really hard on our D. She just does not understand why her Daddy doesn't come home because I am feeling better and like myself again. I would never tell her about OW...ugh - the thought of that makes my shiver. She could never understand that at all!!!!

The thing that has worked the best for me through all of this is that I have focused on ME and tried to change the things about me that I do not like. I spent 7 months trying to tell my H that he needed to change and everything got progressively worse. However, when I started to change things about myself, he started to change things about himself as well. He is still leery of my changes and he says that he is just waiting for things to fall apart again, but I know that they will not and for now...that's enough.

My heart goes out to you, but listen to the folks that are posting on your wall. They give excellent advice and they have been there and done/doing that! I'll keep checking in on you to see how things are going!! Keep your chin up =)

[Confused423]

Journaling...

It has been a very interesting weekend in a lot of ways. I thought that I had a handle on all of this and then I am thrown for a loop!!!

I'm so afraid to completely detach from my H because he has OW and I feel like if I'm not there then he will just gravitate to her more frequently than he already does.

Can someone please offer some advice...Maybe I'm not posting enough, but I do not get very many responses. Can someone help me to understand how to get more involvement form the boards?

Thanks!

[dbmod]

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[Queen_of_Swords]

Confused, hard as it is you're going to have to face your fears in regard to your H.
Your fear is trapping you now.
What's the worst that can happen? What's the best? What do you have direct control over? What do you have absolutely no control over?
Control what is directly in your hands. (That would be you.) Understand you have absolutely NO control over your H. or his thoughts, feelings or actions. NONE.

So he gravitates to OW more...people here will tell you most affairs are short lived and burn out fast. So, if he does see her more it may speed things up, because the OW isn't perfect either and is on her best behaviour...for now. She's Miss right now, but not Miss right forever. Bet on it.

Take this time to work on you. Figure out what you want out of life, figure out who you really are, who you want to become and how you wish to behave.

Let him go, you know he's gone already in so many ways. The more tightly you hang onto him right now, the more you'll make him run.

This isn't easy, not by any means, I still have trouble with it.
It will get easier in time. Use it well. Decide how you will live with or without him. Make it good for you in either event.

[Confused423]

Scylla,

Thanks for the reply!! I'm going to try to answer some of your questions because I think it will help me to ponder on this a while.

The worst that can happen: My H will integrate the OW (whom I know and thoroughly dislike) into the family and I will be stuck with her forever...UGH!!!

The best that can happen: My H will realize that he misses me and his D and he will end the relationship with the OW and begin a new marriage with me.

The only problem I have with him gravitating towards the OW more is that they have known each other a LONG time and he has dated her before. I'm afraid...plain and simple. If it was just a random girl it would not be so bad for me, but it's not!!

Often I think that I'll just let him go because I know that there has got to be someone out there who will not cheat and will love me for me. Then I think about my D who is going through He!! and I just want to try to fix our marriage because I know that it is worth it for her and for us.

It's definitely a confusing place to be and I HATE to be in limbo. Uncertainty drives me insane and he knows that. He says things all the time that make me feel amazing and it's hard not to believe him. He's probably telling her the same things huh?

If I could just get back to work, I'm sure that I would be in a much better place. I've got WAY too much time on my hands for sure!!!

[krit]

That is good advice. It really is fear trapping us. The fear of losing them. The fear of worse pain than I am feeling right now. Fear of the OW being the one he chooses - even though it is said affairs dont last. Just fear. We do our best to keep ourselves busy but it just never really leaves my mind. He even creaps his way into my dreams lately.
One day I think I commit to pulling away and then the next day I am back in the fight. It would be easier if they would also make up their minds as to what they want - stop giving me hope because it just messes with my head and heart.
Wish I had advice to give. Wish I had the answer on how to get rid of the OW. You know though most days I do feel really strong but then days like today I feel like I just want to go curl into a ball. I keep telling myself to act in the As If...As if things are going to be just fine and I will get my hug later today.

[dbmod]

^