Lately I’ve seen a lot of references to whether or not someone should “stop DBing” … or “how long I’ll be able to DB” …
Folks, DBing is not just a set of tactics used to “win back” your spouse. IMO, we all should be DBing everyone in our lives everyday. Why? Because DB is nothing more than a set of behaviours consistent with emotional health and strength.
Detachment Acting As If Beginner’s Mindset Compassion Boundaries … to name just a few …
This is the toolbelt I now wear in my everyday life.
My sister lost it today … I said “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Just before Christmas, a guy I was dating decided it wasn’t going to work … I understood it wasn’t me. I understood that he had his own issues to deal with. I didn’t ask what I’d done wrong. I didn’t try to manipulate the situation. I wished him well in his life and contentedly went my own way. He’s now sniffing around again but I’ve moved forward. His loss
My mother’s judgemental statements about my parenting etc used to upset me. They no longer do, because they are a reflection of her, not me. I also understand that she doesn’t truly intend them the way they come across. I’m not flawless … nobody’s perfect, but I am a great mom, and I know it.
I make mistakes. I no longer let pride get in the way of an apology ... or of accepting one.
My son got upset and screamed "I hate you, you're the worst mommy in the whole world." The old me would have lost it. The new me knows it's not true, but it IS how he feels right this minute. And feelings are never wrong ... but shouting at me was, so he got "I understand you feel that way. Shouting about it is never ok though and it's disrespectful, so you are getting a time out ...."
My stbxH is trying to force a friendly relationship between me and OW. Not going to happen right now, so I enforce my boundaries.
A friend I text with quite a bit seemed to need some space, so I backed off. Respected her needs. Acted as if it wasn’t me … and guess what … it wasn’t. She just needed some “her” time.
These are just a few examples … but the idea is the same. This tool belt doesn’t come off. It’s now a part of who I am.
It’s my modus operandi. It’s how I roll .
And it’s changed my life.
Stop thinking about tips and tricks and manipulation. Start thinking about healthy behaviours.
And never, I mean NEVER, stop DBing.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
BTW, Anne B rice could have used some DBing. Sam was waffling for far too long.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Your post really makes some good points. A lot of the stuff you learn from DBing is applicable to a ton of other areas in your life.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
PEI, Love it. I do find myself subconscously DBing as well. It changes your whole outlook in life.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
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